Dh and lack of sex

[goingmissing36]

I am 36, dh is 48. We rarely have sex. Maybe twice a month. I would ideally like more but am generally ok with this. He claims low libido and also takes viagra so sex tends to be planned rather than spontaneous. However I suspect he's been seeing to himself more often than this. Lots of signs (internet history mainly). I have tried gently bringing this up and get rebuffed and he becomes quite defensive. It's gotten to the stage where I feel like sex is a taboo subject with my own husband and he isn't forthcoming in either initiating or communicating about it.

I feel really hurt. If he has no libido why would he feel the need to wank? Why is this preferable to a more regular sex life with me?

I read threads about mismatched sex drives on here all the time had ultimately I know the only logical answer is to LTB as it probably won't change. This isn't an option and on balance not something I'd be willing to uproot all our lives for so please don't suggest this. I would love some tips on how to talk to him about this in an open and gentle way though. He is loving and tactile and overall a great husband it's just this one issue.

If you can't talk about sex with your own husband I would recommend counselling for you both.

But he probably would not want to go (the reason would come out then which he won't share with you).

So I would recommend counselling for yourself.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. The feelings of rejection are just awful. It makes you doubt yourself and eats away at your self-confidence.

Wishing you all the best.

From what you say it seems you don't approve of him mastrubating or watching porn so he has kept this secret. Try to be more open minded and look for ways to build intimacy together. I think self pleasure should be encouraged and should help his libido and improve the chance of intimacy. I think the problem is communication and agree re above that a therapist could help. What about wanting porn together?

A couple of thoughts:

It may be that it's not low libido as such that's his issue, but something else to do with intimacy. Feelings of failure, maybe? Sex with another person has all kinds of elements that just aren't a factor with masturbation.

But, he also may have become addicted to porn. In any case, if he is embarrassed or ashamed he will find it difficult to talk about.

The only thing I can say is that keeping that in mind, is there a way to open up a discussion that makes it clear you aren't being judgemental, but are just trying to find a solution, or even just better understanding between you?

Thank you for the replies. So often on these threads people immediately say LTB as if it were that easy, especially when everything else is good and we have a home, life and dc.

It could be an embarrassment issue. He never actually told me about the viagra until I found it because he said he felt like a failure. But my gut tells me he just isn't that interested in sex with me. He seems to enjoy it when it happens but I feel he could happily live without it.

I'm not sure if hes addicted to porn but he definitely uses it. He watches a certain niche type (nothing creepy but a little off the wall) so maybe vanilla sex with me just doesn't do it for him.

I wouldn't have an issue with masturbating if we had a healthy sex life and I certainly don't want to regulate his habits or his body but I just wish we could have a frank conversation about it. I've tried so many times and he just clams up.

Bump

You're not willing to LTB which I accept. But what if he thought you would?

Have you ever said that if he doesn't start to talk to you that you cannot carry on? And it will just eat away at you and make you miserable so is that what he wants?

There is a thread on Relationships at the moment, for those in sexless marriages and who want support and advice on this issue. There is some great advice on there.

Hey OP, I don't know if my perspective can help as I'm a long-time single person. But to me masturbation and sex are very very different. Masturbation is just a few minutes with yourself, takes the edge off and you're done. Sex requires a whole other level of engagement, both mental, emotional and physical. I don't even pleasure myself that often (a couple of times a month maybe). I have young kids so I generally feel like I have very little energy to engage properly in sex. If I had a partner we'd probably be doing it less often than you and your husband.

So the problem could come from two things, low libido and low energy. Does he seem very energetic the rest of the time ? Does he sleep enough ? Is he stressed out generally ? All these things can contribute. I have also found out recently that I have borderline vit D deficiency so I'm trying to supplement that to see if I feel less tired overall.

On the outside I probably look full of energy because I have to be full on - at work getting shit done and at home taking care of the kids. But when we go down for a nap of after kids are in bed I'm just tired and don't really want to do anything other than watch dumb videos and unplug my brain.

Only you know if this applies to your husband or if it's something else, I just wanted to share my feelings because I think I could be your husband if I had a relationship (have no energy for one atm tbh). I would also find it hard to explain or talk about with a partner because I'd feel embarrassed, I'd feel like I wasn't normal, and I'd feel like "I'm just really too tired" won't cut it as an explanation. And because I wouldn't really have any solution to offer, aside from dragging myself to have sex when I just want a quick wank and to go to sleep.

Again this may not apply in your case. Just some thoughts to explore and see if it gets you anywhere.

You could also explain to your husband how you feel and tell him you're not necessarily looking for a solution (thus taking off the pressure) but that you'd just like to know where you stand.

@Marty13 thank you for your perspective, it's really helpful. Dh has a stressful job and is over ten years older than me so I guess these things may impact his enthusiasm for sex. Sometimes a quick wank can seem like the easier option and that's fine. But I suppose it just leaves me feeling a bit like I'm left out in the cold.

I think the viagra use also limits us as there is no opportunity to just see what happens when we get in bed. It almost needs to be planned so that he knows to take a pill and this can also make it feel more like a chore.

I could cope with all of this if he just opened up a bit more. I feel like whenever I try and discuss it he just clams up either through embarrassment or simply because he's not interested in changing things, it's really frustrating.