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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Stuck in the middle- DP and DM

11 replies

anon3692 · 27/05/2022 21:23

Not sure what to do- probably posting here more for traffic.

My DP and DM don't get on at all! We have a 3 month old and the stress around it all is just getting worse.

Myself, DD & DP have just been away for a week. Came home today and normally always go to my DP's parents on a Friday night- it's basically the only time we get to see all the kids on his side of the family.

A few months back my DP and DM had a falling out and it was decided our DD would no longer stay overnight with my DM. In all honesty I agree with this, she's just starting to get into a routine but even while away has been so unsettled and gone from being up once in the night to 4/5 times so I know she'd more than likely be like this at DM's and really we're both off work so there isn't really any major need for her to stay out while so young (probably my fault for allowing this when she was around 3 weeks old for around a month one night a week so I'll take full responsibility for that).

So while on the phone to DM this week while away she asked if DD wanted to stay over one night next week- I explained for what feels like the 100th time that we don't want her staying out at the moment but she could have her for the day- happy to drop her off first thing and pick her up tea time. DM not happy with this and said I'm clearly being controlled, obviously not my decision and she wanted nothing to do with me and DD to 'stop arguments'. I explained it didn't cause any arguments and that's it's my decision as much as DP's that we don't want her staying out.

Coming home today and DM had said as she has a week off she was getting a life home to my grandparents so she didn't have her company car all week- I offered to pick her up from work with DD and go with her to grandparents to see them as well and then drop her home- she said no it didn't matter.
When calling her tonight she was off from the start and then said 'take it you've been to his mothers tonight?' I said yes we go every week why- she said 'okay whatever I'll speak to you whenever' and put the phone down on me!

I'm fuming, AIBU to be fuming?? I understand they don't like each other but it's not like I dropped her to go and see DP's parents, if I'd of gone to her like I offered we probably wouldn't have gone to MIL's as it would have been too late.

I feel like I'm in the wrong no matter what I do. Don't even know if I'm looking for advice or just a hand hold it's just so bloody stressful and as daft as it sounds sometimes I wish I could just take my DD and run away for a few weeks 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2022 21:30

What do you think DP has done wrong? I can’t see from this post why you’re stuck in the middle. You specifically say the two of you are on the same page.

You’re annoyed at your mum, I’m not completely sure why, but why does that make you want to run away?

I’m staggered you had your 3 week old stay the night with your mum on a regular basis, who’s benefit was that for? Not your baby’s. But that’s probably beside the point.

forrestgreen · 28/05/2022 05:28

Decide on what you want, communicate it clearly. Make sure you're being fair between both side of the family as I think your mum is feeling left out.
She was feeling special as she had overnight privileges. (Madness, although that's another thread). Tell her you were grateful for the chance to sleep however this holiday has highlighted the need for a consistent routine. So you'll save overnights until she's x)
Maybe give your mum and dh family alternate Friday nights?

Notajogger · 28/05/2022 05:45

Calm down on all the family stuff. You, DD and DP are the family unit now and your daughter needs some stability, not to be off with other people for whole nights or days at a time.

Your mum reminds me somewhat of my own and sounds manipulative, you need to let her know you and DP are the unit and on the same page, not you and her. Reduce contact and change your behaviour/reactions to her, she needs to see you mean business.

MarmaladeLime · 28/05/2022 05:54

What has your DP done "wrong" for you to be stuck in the middle? You're DM is being odd. I would go round hand have an honest chat.

MarmaladeLime · 28/05/2022 05:55

And your DC needs stability

PinkSyCo · 28/05/2022 05:57

Sounds to me like you’re a people pleaser, and your mum is taking advantage of that and it is in fact her that’s trying to control you with her childish sulking and passive aggression. My advice? Stick to your guns and ignore her immature attempts to manipulate you.

Bonjovispjs · 28/05/2022 05:59

You let your 3 week old daughter stay away from you overnight???why would you do that?

Ferngreen · 28/05/2022 06:11

I would play it down and not feel you have to solve this as it sounds like DM being jealous of ILs, disliking DP (why?), and blaming her unreasonabless on you.
Just go over with baby for a cuppa and let her see you and baby then.

CJsGoldfish · 28/05/2022 06:11

So, it was ok for your child to stay with your DM until your DP became pissed off at her for something and now she's not allowed to stay? Because, honestly, it sounds more like a punishment for whatever he thinks she's done framed as concern to make it more palatable. 🤷‍♀️

Herejustforthisone · 28/05/2022 06:15

How old are you, OP?

Quitelikeit · 28/05/2022 06:15

I echo goldfish above.

whst did they fall out about?

ignore posters criticising the fact you let your baby stay with your dm

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