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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to scream next time someone tells me 'it'll happen eventually' when I'm struggling to conceive

16 replies

josil · 27/05/2022 20:06

If you're one of these people, please stop saying it.

I understand you may have no idea what to say, maybe you've gone through infertility yourself and just say it on autopilot. But please stop and think about how annoying this statement is to someone that is trying to conceive.

Also please don't tell someone struggling it will happen if they relax, it's fucking stupid.

I have never had to explain my fertility as much as I have since being in my late thirties. It's driving me mad. Just when I've forgotten about it, someone has to discuss it.

Am I resigned to a life of explaining my infertility forever?

OP posts:

emuloc · 27/05/2022 20:09

You do not have to explain anything, you are choosing too.

Original poster

josil · 27/05/2022 20:10

emuloc · 27/05/2022 20:09

You do not have to explain anything, you are choosing too.

It's impossible not to sometimes

OP posts:

MuchTooTired · 27/05/2022 20:12

YANBU, it’s a fucking ridiculous thing to say, along with ‘just relax’ and ‘you can always adopt’. Another one that used to piss me off was the tale of ben’s granny’s dog’s owner’s sister who fell pregnant just like that after trying for 55 years. It’s shit.

I gave up explaining my fertility issues and just told people I no longer wanted kids then went off quietly to do ivf because I couldn’t bear anymore ‘failure’.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2022 20:13

Don't tell people what not to say, tell them what to say. They want to be kind and reassuring and nice and supportive but they don't know how.

lancsgirl85 · 27/05/2022 20:13

I understand you may have no idea what to say,

I think this is the crux of it, really. People don't know how to respond sometimes so they say what they think is helpful or encouraging. I don't they mean to cause offence or upset you. What would be more helpful for people to say? I ask because I genuinely don't think I would know what to say either other than "I'm really sorry to hear that".

MuchTooTired · 27/05/2022 20:13

Obviously I’m not calling you a failure!! I just felt like I was!

Original poster

josil · 27/05/2022 20:13

@MuchTooTired lol I think saying I don't want kids is a good way to go now - it just ends the conversation doesn't it. Where does somewhere go from there?

Thank you, I haven't yet said that but I think that's the way to do it.

OP posts:

lancsgirl85 · 27/05/2022 20:14

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/05/2022 20:13

Don't tell people what not to say, tell them what to say. They want to be kind and reassuring and nice and supportive but they don't know how.

Yes - exactly this.

FiveShelties · 27/05/2022 20:15

I was using unable to have children but never felt the need to explain it. Not sure why you would explain to anyone about your fertility.

Original poster

josil · 27/05/2022 20:15

@lancsgirl85 I would expect someone to say I hope it works out for you eventually. Not 'I'm sure it will happen eventually' which is obviously bullshit because we know conceiving is science based not based on how 'hard you try'

Just say, I hope it works out for you. That's all I expect, I don't want pity either - sorry to hear that I don't need someone to be sorry for me.

OP posts:

MuchTooTired · 27/05/2022 20:16

@josil it really does kill the conversation dead! Although I suppose there’s the possibility of all the comments of you’ll change your mind, kids are wonderful etc etc.

I get that people don’t know what to say, and they probably do mean it with kindness. But when you’re struggling with something you desperately want and others seem to manage it by accident it’s difficult to see the kindness in their words.

Original poster

josil · 27/05/2022 20:17

@MuchTooTired yes exactly that! It's not kindness it's just thoughtless silliness I feel at times.

OP posts:

lancsgirl85 · 27/05/2022 20:19

josil · 27/05/2022 20:15

Just say, I hope it works out for you. That's all I expect, I don't want pity either - sorry to hear that I don't need someone to be sorry for me.

Ok, fair enough.

"Sorry to hear that" is a pretty standard phrase i use when I am conveying empathy to another person, I didn't realise it could be offensive or unappreciated. But point taken.

Moodycow78 · 27/05/2022 20:20

I've been there hon, we did eventually have a baby but it took years. The one that really used to piss me off was the anecdote about a friend who couldn't conceive and stopped trying and it just fucking happened, how many times I heard variations on that one! Good luck xxx

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 27/05/2022 20:20

josil · 27/05/2022 20:10

It's impossible not to sometimes

Show quote history

Not it isnt. You just need to have set replies practiced.

‘Gosh that's a very personal question!’ Moving on to
‘Wow that was a rude question!’
and then maybe…
’enough about me. Did you sort out (insert embarrassing or difficult topic questioner is faced with)’

LBFseBrom · 16/11/2022 17:34

People should not say that, it is nobody else's business. I was present at work once where one woman was probing another's fertility status and it was unbelievably embarrassing.

You don't have to tell anyone anything about it at all. Just be vague and smile. Show everyone that you are content - and enjoy your life!

If anybody persists speak to them plainly and say that is far too personal to ask, then move on.

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