To tell my friend

[Emotionaldrain]

That she is draining the life out of me?

I have a friend of around 8 years who is really having an effect on my mental health, I’m left feeling mentally drained and exhausted every time I see her.

I had managed to distance myself from her after I had a baby and blaming it on being too busy or tired etc but now baby is getting older it’s harder to come up with excuses why I can’t answer her multiple phone calls or why she can’t come to my house.

Every time I see or speak to her she unloads all her feelings about the same relationship problems over and over again, I’ve tried to give her advise many times which she never takes on board anyway and am sick of having the same conversation every time we see each other. She will ask for constant favours to borrow money to pick up her kids from school as she fails to prioritise her children over her partner and leaves herself stuck at the last minute.

At the moment I’m ignoring most of the phone calls and making excuses why I can’t see her because I haven’t got the energy for her drama, but at the same time I feel like a bad friend for not wanting to be there for her. Do you think it’s best to just tell her straight up how she makes me feel and that I can’t continue a friendship acting like her therapist at every conversation or would you just keep trying to avoid her (I feel like this is the easier way out but it can make things awkward)

“Hi CheekyFucker, unfortunately I think our friendship has run its course so I won’t be able to help you out any more. I hope things work out for you - Emotionaldrain”

This

She not a friend is she? She’s a user. She’ll be off to he next victim soon enough.

Meanwhile in reality, it’s hard to pull away OP. I have a friend who is the same and I feel like her therapist.

I’m working on removing myself from her orbit without being cruel. See above.

Drop her for sure. She’s affecting your health. Yes it’s hard, because if you tell her you are ending the friendship because of how she makes you feel, she’ll then call you / visit you 100 times to tell you how that made her feel, because that’s all that matters to her.
So unfortunately you will have to be quite blunt. Don’t believe for a second that this makes you a bad friend. She is a terrible friend. What has she ever done for you in return?

Depends if you want to go the Full @Blahburst (& who could blame you?) or preserve some social niceties / avoid fallout.

If you choose not to Blahburst, there will be some discomfort, but you should be able to manage it. Next time she calls to blather on at length about her bloody relationship -

"Sandra, here we are again talking about (boyfriend). We seem to go over the same old ground & yet nothing changes for you, & it's hard for me to hear. So how about we deal with it a bit differently - when you next need to offload about him, you can ramble on for 10 minutes & say exactly what you need to - then we restart the clock & change the subject entirely?"

or

"Sandra, we've talked about this so much, but here we still are - I am burned out with it because - by now - there is no new advice I can give you. But it's obvious that you still feel you need to keep talking it through, so I think you should engage with a Counsellor for a while, to support you while you work out what you can or can't change about the dynamic with (boyfriend)."

or

"Sandra, frankly I'm fed up to the back teeth with hearing about Dave. We've talked the leg off a donkey about him & nothing ever changes, so let's at least change the record. Are you up for swimming on saturday?"

She will ask for constant favours to borrow money to pick up her kids from school as she fails to prioritise her children over her partner and leaves herself stuck at the last minute.
"Can't help out as it's so last minute - the kids & I are off to XYZ, so that doesn't work - you'll have to find someone else."

@Blahburst Im working on being more direct but not quite there yet unfortunately 🤣

@LadyCampanulaTottington this is the thing, I don’t want to be cruel but really feel like just telling her the effect she is having on me, how are you managing to distance yourself?

@FictionalCharacter great point it is very one sided , the only thing we talk about is her and her problems and it’s me doing all the favours I don’t ask her for anything.

Do we have the same friend? 😂 I've just told someone to politely F off for the exact same reasons today!

She was having a strop because she couldn't come over to my house as I'm busy as she wanted to drone on about the same relationship problems that's been happening for 3 years now.

Tell them to bugger off!

Tell her something important about your life, this week - say it's important to you. Next week, ask her if she remembers the important thing you mentioned. She won't. Her dismissive response to this will hopefully give you the anger you need to tell her to get lost!

@KettrickenSmiled these are so helpful thank you, I have said to her many times there is only so many times I can keep giving you the same advice and it’s the same things every time
i speak to you.

Just seems to go in one ear and out of the other and she starts banging on again 🙄

Sorry OP. Your heart will be pounding but take a deep breath and just do it. Your friend has the hind of a rhino currently as far as sensitivity towards you goes. She's also self-centred so she'll kick off, be emotional, shocked, etc. None of which are good enough reasons not to tell her straight. No "sorry but...) or anything placating. Good luck / you'll feel like a weight has lifted. 🌹

@BadWolf2022 wonder if it’s the same one 🤔 🤣 I’m very close to doing the same, honestly every time I see her name pop up on my phone it fills me with dread!

I stopped all contact with one of my “best friends” three years ago for exactly the same reason. We had been friends for years but she only replied to my messages or wanted to see me when she needed to vent. It was all about her, her kids, her anxiety, etc… I exploded when I was diagnosed with a benign kidney tumor and told her I needed to talk to someone. I sent her a message that she ignored for 7 days and when she finally contacted me back she just wrote “pls need help, son has fever”. I did the same, ignored her message and she never contacted me again.
Since then I’m much happier and I don’t miss her at all. I only want kind people in my life.

Just seems to go in one ear and out of the other and she starts banging on again

I know OP - it;s painful innit?
If - having attempted some form of 'script' with her - she reverts to type as you fear, don't be afraid to talk about YOUR feelings instead of HERS for a change.

"Sandra I don;t think you get how distressing this is for me to have to listen to. Remember we agreed ... etc"

"Sandra, I'm going to have to stop you there. Remember we agreed ... xyz"

"Sandra - we've been over this. What is it going to take to get you to STFU about Dave?"

Because she's a boundary-pusher, you'll likely get flak for the 'corrections'.
In which case -
"Sandra, I've been polite, I've been kind, but you are being neither polite or kind to me so I am leaving the conversation for now. Bye" & HANG UP.

Or she will huff & you won't here from her for a while. Result!
I suspect this one will be a dog you just can't train so need to keep on a leash (strategies upthread) or keep issuing terse 'corrections' to (as above).

But at least this way, she'll either get some awareness of why you are fading out, or fade you out herself when she cottons on that you are a less useful resource friend than she wants ...

@Antares444 Good for you that is absolutely shocking

I'd stop giving advice.
Some people like to complain about the same thing again and again and do nothing about it.
When she's asking for your advice or she's moaning on complaining, just say

"well, what do you think you should do?"

Or "well, I don't know what to advise. You just do whatever you think is best".
She'll soon stop.

If she asked to borrow money - say no. Don't even think about it.

Put these boundaries in place and she will probably stop being in touch so often. Or have a direct conversation with her about how you feel. Either way should work!

I got to the point with a friend, where I rather brutally said, 'look, I've got my own shit going on, I simply don't have the capacity to carry yours.'

Literally had to do this last year...I tried the subtle distancing approach and unfortunately that didn't work causing things to get ugly, so I'd advise to be direct with her. Be prepared for alot of guilt tripping but stand your ground because emotional burnout is no fun. Maby she will have a moment of realisation of what a friendship really should be about. Good luck!

Part of me feels sorry for her the other part of me thinks she likes the drama of him, so much so she puts him over her kids. I wouldn't blame you for dropping g her but if she offers any value to the friendship nb polite for five mins about it without really saying anything other than mmhmm, yes that sounds frustrating, then a total topic change. Right, that's the end of that, let's move on. Do it a few times and if she doesnt get the hint at least you know you tried and she may reflect at some point why youre always busy.

I think she likes the drama of him and wants her whole life revolving around him so if you prevent that and she cant whine about him endlessly she will back off as it doesnt give her the fix shes craving.she isnt spending time with you, shes spending time with him almost byproxy.

I had a friend like your's.

The dramas... oh the dramas!

Never seemed to find her card when we were paying.
Her car was always faulty.
Life admin was beyond her.

I just couldn't take it anymore.

I'm embarrassed and very sad to say that I started to avoid her and started to ignore her messages. When I did see her I apologised profusely and gave her a drama of my own.

I was a coward , really, but I just couldn't take it any more. My husband kept warning me that I was too involved in her life and that she was a user.

I know now.

I feel that I should have just been honest with her but I was too cowardly.

She's not in my life now.

@Antares444 wow that’s awful, sounds like you are well rid of that ‘friend’ anyway

@KettrickenSmiled I’m definitely going to try those tactics and if they don’t work I think I will have to just be honest with her, I can’t carry on like this for much longer