Married to a grump?

[springhassprung22]

My DH can be such a grump. Our DC are 7 and 3, and really aren’t that hard work in the grand scheme of things. Yes they’re loud and slightly feral at times but they’re sweet, they sleep well so we get plenty of rest.

I feel other DH’s are the “fun” parents whereas it’s the opposite in our house. DH is always telling the DC to be quiet when they’re really not even being that loud (he says this to me too and it drives me nuts - tells me I’m talking too loudly. I do have a loud voice and poor hearing so it’s not something I’m doing deliberately).

He’s always on at older DC for being “overexcited” and taking things too far (yes, not completely untrue, but the child has only just turned 7). He seems to hate being teased/joked about, even though he’s happy to tease and make jokes about others. He also hates mess and spends his life tidying up kids’ toys in the middle of the day before they’re necessarily done playing with them, but his version of tidying is sticking things in the closest drawer/cupboard, so everything goes missing.

I'm starting to really resent it and feel
sorry for my DC. I’m quite strict, because I feel that I have to be about the things that matter that don’t seem to register with DH - manners, listening, etc, and also because DH is very disorganised and forgetful, so if it weren’t for me taking charge there would be no activities, play dates, homework and reading books done. But then I feel sorry for the DC as they live in such a strict house because neither of us are the “fun” parent. And it’s starting to show as eldest DC especially seems very uptight and grumpy compared with peers.

Has he always been like this?

This sounds pretty joyless to me.

No I feel like he’s gotten steadily worse over the years! My own father is an absolute misery now he’s in his sixties and it’s depressing that men do often seem to get grumpier as they age. DH’s dad is anti social and joyless, we thankfully rarely see him. I know for a fact he never played with DH and siblings.

DH does do “fun things” with the DC like takes them swimming, playground etc, but he’s always been very away with the fairies so he’s not the type to instigate a game with the kids or anything, or really be in full of energy with them.

Does he perk up around other people?

Maybe you could invite some friends over and if he enjoys himself and is a bit more effervescent (a big if) then afterwards you could say, it was really nice to see you enjoying yourself. Seems like you've been a bit stressed lately? And see if he opens up. If not then at least it's positive reinforcement of those behaviours you'd like to see more of.

DH is grumpy too. Unlike yours he needs to plan things in advance. Next week we go on holiday and he has said we'll go with the flow, but that just means that we will wait until we meet family before we decide what were doing what day.

I've told the DGC to call him grumpy after than grampy😁 I mostly ignore his grumpiness.

What would happen if you sat him down and described how his son is compared to friends, and told him how he is repeating his father's parenting. Would he hear that and want to work on himself (if the conversation was constructive and not blaming), or would he be deaf to the criticism?

Good question @TopCatsTopHat . We’ve had similar conversations before, and at first he’s always very defensive, he says I’m critical and mean (I do come across as abrasive, i find it very hard to be tactful and not accusatory whilst being honest). He then reflects and vows to try harder, and for a while recently I feel like he was.

I think it’s just ingrained in him though, part of his personality. He’s an introvert. He has friends and is generally good with mine, and my family, but he hates socialising with new people - I have taken over taking DC to clubs because DH would sit in the car or on his phone whilst all the other parents chatted. I completely understand that it’s not essential to make small talk with parents of DC classmates, but my DC is an introvert himself and not hugely popular so I try and make an effort with classmates’ parents so that I can help him - play dates and so on - and set a good example.

Nothing wrong with being an introvert but I find it annoying that he’s almost introverted from his own immediate family!

That sounds miserable tbh. So you feel you have to be strict all the time?

Just tell him it's like living with your df. Have you a spare room he can move into ask him because you ain't sleeping with a grumpy old git..

It is good that he recognises he is creating an unpleasant dynamic/atmosphere.
Being an introvert doesn't mean you have to squash your children's joy in their home though, that sounds more like his upbringing, our parenting is heavily affected by our own upbringing so he would need help to break that cycle. If you struggle to be honest without being abrasive, maybe you could write him a letter instead and kindly ask him to read it and ask him to get some external help, help to parent in way that is compatible with his nature but doesn't extinguish his children's joy.
Your op was chilling in a way, not because he is being malicious but just in the sense that the miserable years stretch ahead for you all, where all that childhood development will happen walking on eggshells and unable to express spontaneous happiness, what does that do to a person's potential. Its a sentence you wouldn't wish on anyone and the outcome is there to see in his father and himself.