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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum is better with my kids than me

18 replies

nirvanauk · 26/05/2022 19:29

I have 2 children, aged 3 and 1.

I adore them with every ounce of my being and put all my time and effort into being the best mum I can, and on the whole I do feel I do a good job.

However I am a bit of an introvert so sometimes I can find the mental load of being a mum quite draining, and struggle with the lack of headspace/alone time I get - quite often I feel like I have an 'introvert hangover'

My mum is a very involved grandparent and my kids adore her. At times I've noticed that she handles situations with the kids better than I do. Little things like there have been times when she has figured out what's wrong with them when I haven't been sure, or she's known what to say to them in a situation where I haven't been sure how to handle it. She's also better than me at relating to them through play, I enjoy playing with my kids and try really hard at it but it doesn't always come naturally to me to know how to play.

All of this makes me feel like a really useless mother. AIBU?

OP posts:

MyHusbandIsVeryStupid · 26/05/2022 19:31

She’s a seasoned mother remember! Also I definitely think there’s a patience that comes with age. I find older mothers tend to be a lot more patient with their kids. I know I’m more patient with my second than I was when I had my first at 20.
she’s also probably not having sleepless nights and generally being knackered!
don’t be so hard on yourself I’m sure you’re doing a great job!

ChaosMoon · 26/05/2022 19:32

I'm so sorry OP, I know first hand how unbelievably hard this is. My DM is the perfect mother. I'm told I'm a good mum but I'm also human. The comparison that I can see makes me feel pretty shit.

I wish I had advice but I'm not great at following it myself...

AnyFucker · 26/05/2022 19:32

She’s had a lot more practice than you !

Newmumatlast · 26/05/2022 19:33

Yabu to think you are useless. From what you say you're really hands on and though it doesn't come naturally to you to be extroverted you sound like you're really trying. What more could a child want than a mother who cares so much about them that they'll push themselves outside their comfort zone in their best interests? Also your mum was in your shoes once. Dont forget she has had years of parenting. You're just starting. It's you that will be most important to how your children are shaped as you're their mother. Just think of it as having a great support and example in your mother and how lucky that is but also recognise how good you are too

yyydelilah · 26/05/2022 19:41

I'm in the same situation. Same age gap. Some days I'll be pulling my hair out, and the kids will have been wild. My mum will stroll in and they're suddenly compliant angels.

It's much easier when you get a break after looking after two toddlers, and a lovely quiet house and a lay in.

My mum also has the patience of a saint with my kids. She was definitely less patient when I was a kid.

Don't beat yourself up. You'll be super gran one day too 😁

Whatever00 · 26/05/2022 19:42

I feel inadequate compared to my mum. That being said she see my kids a few hours a week. She gets a full 7 hours sleep a night and is able shit alone so it's not a wonder she can be fun, tolerate and is able to think straight.

Noname1999 · 26/05/2022 19:44

It's a different relationship. Also it's easy to be patient when you get to hand them back when you've had enough. Be kind to yourself.

thecurtainsofdestiny · 26/05/2022 19:44

She's had more practice!

Also, she probably comes in for a short while and can give them her full attention and energy for a short while.

Meanwhile you have to give them attention plus do the washing plus feed them plus clean the bathroom...plus...

It's not a fair comparison.

cottagegardenflower · 26/05/2022 19:45

Shes had years more practice than you, and you will eventually gain the same expertise. In the meantime, don't fret about it but enjoy the free time you can get while she babysits!

Anycrispsleft · 26/05/2022 19:47

I always think that the first half hour you spend with a kid is usually the best half hour of the day. Your kids are getting their granny's best half hour. And that's great! This is why it's so awesome if you have that "village" to help look after them.

If you reckon your mum is good at dealing with the kids, watch and learn from her. It's not easy as an introvert, I know. I remember my mother in law having endless patience with the kids when they were babies and I wondered at her ability to just go with the flow and keep entertaining them. But it's totally different if you're not responsible for them 24/7.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/05/2022 19:47

I think that's the way of things with grandparents.

My mum was a yeller when we we were little. It was normal for her to raise her voice.

The most she has ever done with my kids is sound very slightly, quietly annoyed.

Gizacluethen · 26/05/2022 19:56

I was just gonna post a similar thread. I'm also an introvert and struggle with being outgoing and imaginative play. I feel like alot of people seem to better at playing with DS. We were at a playgroup earlier and he was passing toys to other mums and they were playing with him and I just felt a bit inadequate

ChocolateHippo · 26/05/2022 20:20

Of course she's better with them, she doesn't have to deal with the little horrors darlings the whole time.

While your resources are depleted, she has a full bucket to pour from.

My DM was a good mother but often stressed and sometimes lacked patience with us because she was working full-time and had a lot on her plate. I remember being shouted at for silly things and she didn't play with us that much. She is definitely a nominee for the world's most enthusiastic grandparent though and arrives full of ideas for trips out and games to play with my DC. But then she gets to go home again.

ancientgran · 26/05/2022 20:25

It is different, being a parent you have the responsibility for everything but once you are a grandparent you can do it on your terms. If your mum has them for the afternoon she knows she can put her feet up in the evening and she knows she'll get a full nights sleep. Plus she's done it before and will be more relaxed about it.

She was a beginner once and just think one day you will be the experienced one and a nervous new mum will think you can do it all. Just enjoy it now and don't worry, you are the mum your kids need.

mubarak86 · 26/05/2022 20:27

Don't beat yourself up OP. I was quite introverted and shy wrt engaging with my dc until I had dc3. I think it was just experience and confidence. I think I will be a much better grandparent than I was mother! Rather than feel inadequate, revel in the fact that your dc have such an invested dgm that they have a great relationship with.

Peterbear · 26/05/2022 20:29

Don't beat yourself up love. My mum is a 'natural' mum and has bags more patience with kids. I have to work at it and have been winging it for 16 years now. Be happy they have a fab gran and a fab mum.x

ISeeTheLight · 26/05/2022 20:31

My DM has the patience of a saint and is a highly experienced and well respected clinical child psychologist. I never stood a chance haha.
But you know what, DD is my child, she loves me and I'm good enough.

beechhues · 26/05/2022 20:31

It's a village not a race - you are great and so is your mum, maybe one of your dc will need similar reassurance when you are a granny and can hand them back! Lovely that your dc have a lovely DM and DGM in their lives.

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