To be hurt by my mother's passive agressiveness

[romedisney]

I'm temporarily living with my mum in her house. I'm very aware I need my own space (emotionally and practically) - it's not an option just now but I'm working on it. She isn't in any rush to push me out because she enjoys having me living with her, whereas I find it difficult that I feel she wants to know exactly what I'm up to and who I'm with.

We both belong to the same community group and an event is being held tonight. She asked me earlier if I was going to it, and I said that I wasn't sure yet but I was thinking about it. I then asked if she was going. Her response was, "no, don't worry". After some persistence from me asking what she meant, she said, "you would never want me to go to anything you're going to".

She has form for making comments like this (eg saying "am I allowed to know who you're going for coffee with or is that confidential?") and I find it totally exhausting. I don't want to hurt her and I know she's not trying to be nasty, but I find that it drives me further away from her when I know she just wants to be close. I am an adult who wants to have her own life too. AIBU to feel hurt by this?

When I had this, I had a very, uncharacteristically blunt conversation about it with her. I said I’m an adult, it feels intrusive when you ask questions like that, and I’m not happy about it. Funnily enough it stopped.

Some parents, people that is, some people, they can never adjust from the old superiority/compliance model of a relationship that they created when you were tiny. My mother cannot fathom that I am an adult.

I think that response from @SeenCanary is really good.

If I said that to my mother though, she'd say ''well act like an adult'' which means doing exactly what she wants me to do. She gives me the silent treatment and stonewalls me because I do not submit to he narrative that she is perfect and I'm mad.