Was this reaction OTT?

[Magictodo]

My 4.5 DD has a friend whom she meets regularly. They do a class together and afterwards they have 1.5 hrs to play in the park/library etc. Occasionally we bump into them as we hang out in the same places.

Her friend is looked after by his grandma as parents are working full time. DD and her friend are very fond of each other and always have a good time. However, lately his grandma is getting increasingly frustrated with him. When she asks him to go home he usually doesn't comply, tells him off for the pettiest of things (that he picked a leaf from a bush, making up silly words etc). When he behaves like that my DD just has this big laugh and that seems to encourage him to 'misbehave' even more and being even less compliant.

Yesterday after we left that library, he started running around in the court yard with my DD chasing him. Grandma asked him to go, he just run in the opposite direction, my DD laughing. This probably lasted 3-4 mins. Grandma got really worked up and said to me that he is like that only when he meets my DD. Whenever he meets her, his face literally changes and he is uncontrollable. She said they meet other girls and boys during the week and he is absolutely perfect. Then she got really angry, chased him, grabbed him forcefully and uttered a very angry bye, with him crying on the way home. We left in the opposite direction.

I was a bit ....not sure how to articulate it...blah ...I mean they are not doing anything terrible, they are not rude or too loud, they are in fact very gentle kids, they are obviously getting over excited meeting each other. I thought her reaction was way OTT. I really can't bear her constantly disciplining him and making me feel like I am a terrible parent because I'm not doing the same with DD. I'd like to know what are your views?

Knowing she was trying to leave, I would've stopped my child running about with him. Maybe her comments about her behaviour when he's with your child are because you don't try to rein her in when she's trying to take him home?

@StrangeCondition I did actually stop her, I grabbed her whilst he was still running.

I believe she refered to his behaviour in general when he is around her. Just over excited and being 'silly'...

I think you have different parenting approaches and different boundaries.
Either you both need to compromise and meet in middle or the kids won't be able to stay friends.

In this example you could have helped grandma by stepping in and asking your dd to stop when grandma wanted to go.
"Ok dd your friend has to go now so you need to stop chasing him, we will go and do x instead"

Maybe try support your dd to remain calm and that will help her friend ?

Maybe she finds looking after him very physically tiring and having to chase after him because he is running around with your DD was the last straw? I remember being incredibly stressed when my small grandson ran away from me in the park because I knew I couldn't run after him. I suggest that you try to be aware of when she wants him to be ready to go and rein in your DD a bit at that time. She can always run around when he has gone.

If I knew her chasing him was getting him in trouble I'd stop it gently. And if she's saying he's naughty, uncontrollable Etc.then a reminder they're all like this at this age, it's lovely to see them so excited together etc.

However, a session then 90 minutes unstructured play is a LONG time to spend with someone with totally opposite "parenting" approaches. You don't know her well enough to challenge her and too well to just ignore.

Ok, but you said you grabbed your daughter but you also said they were running around for several minutes.

I also think grandma is just a bit exasperated with you.

@calmlakes I should have mentioned in my original post, that's what I did after a few minutes of them running around. I grabbed her whilst he was still running and being excited. We wanted to leave too.

Yes, clearly we have different parenting styles. I do discipline my DD a lot, but not to the level this grandma does. I don't think it's fun for a child to have an adult constantly constantly on their back 'micromanaging' everything they say or do. Of course if they are rude, unkind...by all means I support it, but not for being over excited and asking for 5 more minutes of fun.

I really can't bear her constantly disciplining him

I don't really see why she has to adapt her childcare style to fit round yours.

I should stress that they were running after leaving the library for 3, 4 minutes at most...literally, after which I grabbed her.

Of course, I understand its exhausting, I'm exhausted myself and I do find meeting DD's friends very tiring, if it was for me, I'd not have any play dates whatsoever. But this particular grandma does invite us for different activities or their house, which I always politely decline. Which makes no sense that she us upset about his behaviour around DD.

I'm not sure either of you are wrong and I understand how both you and grandma could have felt on this occasion.
It is hard to spend a lot of time with people who parent very differently to you.
Grandma sounds tired and frustrated. Running round after an energetic dc is hard work.

@DilemmaDelilah I understand, I should be more mindful of that.

You said yourself your child encourages him to misbehave by laughing. That’s probably what she means about his behaviour being better when with other children. I don’t think she’s OTT. She’s probably just had enough.

Sounds like she finds it hard to cope with him and it's convenient for her to blame your child for the behaviour of her grandchild.

I'm sorry but 3/4 minutes of running around whilst your trying to leave would extremely long.

Especially if you knew she was trying to leave and let your child chase him for almost 5 minutes before intervening.

You obviousy have different parenting styles, mixed with the fact Grandma is probably starting to get fed up of being a constant babysitter at her age.

I don’t think you can relate tbh as if she’s a grandma presumably she’s significantly older than you, and unable to chase after a runaway four year old? Knowing his grandma was trying to leave I would not have let my DD chase after him for several minutes before intervening.

@Tandora We both were trying to leave and of course to me 3, 4 mins were not a big deal, but I get that now to some people that may seem like a long time. I think she was more worked up about the fact that he didn't comply with her request straight away rather than the length of time.

Not that it matters really, but for those who think she is a very old lady, she's 59, I'm 44.

Op you seem to be getting the blame for it all.
She tells him to do something, hew refused and its now your fault because your young child laughed and you didn't immediately grab her and gag her.
He runs, she feels obliged to run after him but can't because of her advanced decrepitude and that's your fault for having a play date with someone not physically fit enough to look after a four year old.

If she can't control him and she can't run after him, she needs to speak to her child about looking after their child. If he won't behave for her, she needs to talk to her child about discipline their child.

By all means say to you "we need to leave in 5,are you coming? If you grab Amelia first you know Jack will follow" or similar. Or knowing that they always like an extra five minutes outside the library, leave five minutes earlier.

I don't think her struggling to care for him is yours or your terrible influence of a hell raisers 🙄😁 fault

Sounds like maybe she is frustrated. I doubt it was aimed at your, more likely just the situation that worked her up.

I imagine, even at 59, caring for a lively young child all week is hard.

seems like fairly normal behaviour for 2 young kids who are over excited and maybe getting tired out. Possibly they need a shorter play after class? Or you could leave first?

She finds him challenging when you allow your daughter to run around and she has told him not to.

Keep her calm around him

Do you have other kids to meet up with? Other friends? Maybe focus on them and give this friendship a break while it’s a bit sour.
Just smile and be polite, obviously they’ll have the odd class together but don’t hang around after and redirect away.

Some of the grandparents I see providing childcare do clearly find it very tiring. Kids are bloody exhausting.
Perhaps she does activities which are less physical as she struggles. Maybe she’s pissed off at raising a kid in her retirement.
Maybe after the activity she has had enough of other kids and just wants to get home. Maybe your child encouraging him in normal silliness irritates her. Who knows, so many maybes!

It isn't actually ops responsibility to manage this boys behaviour. If OP is happy for her daughter to play for 5 minutes that's ok. She's not snorting coke off the slide.

If I was me next time I'd say 'right you two, it's time to go in a few minutes, start saying your goodbyes and stay over here please / you can have one last turn on x' and try avoid them running around mad if its pissing her off. Tell your daughter beforehand that if his gran says it's time to go you expect her to come over to you and stop running around when you say etc