Just had a blow-up with DH. It sounds very petty but is indicative of a deeper issue. He was putting some wine / beer glasses away, I told him not to because they aren't properly clean. It was him that washed them and TBH he's rubbish at it. Held up to the light, they have fingerprints, sticky marks, greasy bits on them. he skimps on the hot water, seems to think that just rinsing is enough: I'm fed up taking greasy glasses out of the cupboard and having to clean them. He took massive offence and went storming off declaring that he'd never wash glasses again then 🙄etc etc. I honestly wasn't rude, though I was direct.
It turned out he'd just done the same to our 11 yr old... DH had offered to bring a particular food stuff back from the shop for him, he didn't bring the one that DS liked but DS said thank you and ate it anyway but also told DH that it wasn't what he'd hoped for. DH basically guilt-tripped him in response. His whole attitude seems to be that because he has made an effort to do something for someone, the only acceptable response should be total gratitude - even if the outcome is not what the receiver wanted, and any criticism is taken personally.
His whole family are like this. Asked to express a preference, they freeze in the headlights and find it virtually impossible to say what they want to do / eat / drink etc in case it somehow offends or upsets or inconveniences the person who's asking. It leads DH to so many problems: at work he just plasters on a big smile and accepts whatever shit comes his way, he finds it so difficult to say no or to point out when something is unfair or that he disagrees with a decision.
I think he IBU. For me, of course grateful for the effort that he puts in by washing the glasses (or whatever) but I should also be able to say that the glasses aren't clean, shouldn't I? I shouldn't have to either stealthily re-wash them every time or drink out of dirty glasses just to save his feelings, right? Conversely, if I cook a meal for him and he doesn't like something about it, I want him to tell me, - that's how we learn, right? And if I don't agree with the criticism then I will say so as well, we'll discuss it and come to a compromise, like functioning adults.
AIBU to think that one can appreciate the effort without having to love the outcome?