No means no, surely?

[notavalidusername]

I'll try to make this as short as I can.

Myself & DP have a 5 year old son. We are waiting for him to be assessed as we are 99% sure he has autism. He has a lot of sensory issues too.

I was upstairs yesterday catching a break and DP was downstairs with the kids. 5 and his little sister had a bicker about a toy that they both wanted. Normally we distract one and it works.

While I was upstairs about to go down, I hear 5 shouting 'no put me down, I don't want to be held like that, I want to get down'. I went down and DP had 5 laying across his lap, wrapped up in a blanket, saying he wants to get down. I tried to do eye contact with DP to nudge him to put 5 down. But he wouldn't. Eventually I said 'he doesn't like it', and DP says 'you weren't here, you don't know what's going on'.

After the longest minute, he put 5 down. Then he stormed upstairs and didn't speak
to me. I tried and he told me not to, which led to us not speaking until this morning. He said he was 'calming 5 down' - which has never worked. Who gets calmed down by being wrapped tightly in a blanket, which crying to get down? Not our son anyway.

I am extremely annoyed that when 5 said no, he wasn't listened to by his dad. We never force the kids to hug/kiss people (including us) if they don't want to. It's their right, body autonomy and all that. DP still maintains he was calming 5 down, which clearly wasn't working. When we spoke this morning (kids at school), I asked him why he didn't send 5 up to his room with his new weighted blanket (which he loves) and he could calm himself down.

I think regardless of what happened prior to it, he should have listened to 5 and put him down instead of wrapping him in a blanket, crying and getting more worked up. I said this to DP this morning and he said 'all the parenting and discipline is on you now, I'll just live here' and stormed off again refusing to talk. I'm all for discipline but this was not discipline.

Sorry that was longer than expected. Who is being unreasonable?

You interfered
You made it clear your way was better.. but you werent even there

Ps Also there are significant benifits of being tightly held when upset. Google it.

Naming a child's emotions is part of education. I'm not saying he did it well, but it's not unreasonable to name an emotion you think your child is feeling, especially when there is autism in the family.

'It's ok to cry, you're feeling very sad, we do feel sad when we've argued with friend, I expect your tummy feels a bit yucky and you have a lump in your throat. Maybe you're a bit angry too, that happens sometimes... etc'

Bear in mind that you or your husband may have autistic traits that make communication harder. You need to be as sensitive to each other as you are toward your DC.

You're in the wrong. You have no idea what happened, then you went and undermined your husband's parenting. Your son was safe and unhurt. Taking him away from the situation and trying to calm him down was the correct thing to do.

I don't think your response to it all was right and can understand why your dh is refusing to discuss it anymore.

He did what he thought was appropriate in the moment. He is their father. It is a proven technique for taking control of a situation.

You do sound like you micromanage his parenting.

He sounds very immature.

Does he like to tease, wind up and get people going.

Just playing with you, by cornering you, is deeply unpleasant.

I think bullys like to tease.

I really don't like it.

I think you know your relationship OP.

That's not how it comes across to me. I see it not as her wanting things done "her way" but "in a way that she knows is right for the child".

I think it absolutely depends on what 5 was doing. I have a dd with adhd and other behavioural issues, she can be very violent and can harm other children and herself so we have to 'secure' her, which means restraining her. We've been on training courses on how to do this run by ss.

Doesn't sound like 5 warranted being restrained, and often with children with adhd it can make them worse. Sounds like maybe you both need to do some parenting courses and find a way that works and you both agree on