To feel trapped.

[Imthecaffeinequeen]

I'm not quite sure what I want from this post and I apologise in advance if I ramble!

I am at the stage now where I feel like everything in my life has gone to pot and I'm not quite sure how to get out of this hole.

I'll start with home, I have 2 children, relationship of nearly a decade (with kids dad) has pretty much come to an end, he said he no longer loves me and he considers us friends. Currently still living together due to financial reasons and neither one of us wanting to say well that's it I suppose. There is no affection, no physical contact at all although we still share a bed. I feel I'm kept here to do the cooking/cleaning/general running of a house at his convenience, hes out carrying on with his life. He has Asd so this affects how he behaves/sees things. This has come about after multiple years of me struggling with health issues and eventually being diagnosed with M.E.

I'll admit I am hardwork to live with, I am just chronically exhausted and surviving each day doing the basics, this leaves me with nothing extra in the tank to give. This also reflects on how I feel as a parent, like I am failing my children as I don't feel I do enough for them, they are of course looked after but i don't feel I give them enough enjoyment in life with days out etc. Quite often the house is upside down and I just can't face tackling it. I sleep when off work during school hours.

Next is work, I work 37.5 hours a week (3 long days) I have been a Carer for 12 years, but as I'm sure alot know the care industry is on its needs, we are constantly short staffed therefore I feel my job is taking more and more out of me as more demands fall on me, constantly working with agency staff (nothing against them!) Meaning I feel I have to pick up more of the slack as it were, as they are not familiar with the place. I do not feel like I can give the people I look after full individual attention like I want to as there is just not enough of me or time to go around! I am no longer enjoying my job as i used to but have no idea where to go from here as care is all I've known. I only have GCSE's and an nvq as further education did not work out for me due to mental health issues at the time.

Financially things are pretty hard also, to the point of putting childcare costs on a credit card in order to continue working as we are just above the cut off for any help. The rise in food/energy/petrol costs is really making me feel the pinch. Obviously the relationship situation does not help as to the outside world we are living as a couple otherwise I could look at whether I would be entitled to any help. We pay half the household Bill's each and I pay the childcare. If he does move out I'm unsure how I would work, my current role would definitely not work due to working hours exceeding available childcare. I am early 30s and was more financially secure at 20. My car is over 15 years old and falling apart, any extra bill would tip me over the edge. Also things like extra food shops are going on the credit card just to get through the end of the month, I can see myself getting more into debt.

I'm just looking at every aspect of my life and feeling like nothing is right or working out at the moment but I have no idea what to do or how to change it, or even where to start! Most nights I can't sleep and want to just drive away but I could never leave my children, they are my biggest achievement in life and I just want the best for them. I just can't help feeling guilty at the life I have brought them into. I have had pretty severe depression in the past and sometimes I wonder if its resurfacing or if it's just circumstances of life getting me down?

Reading this back I sound so negative but I just don't where to start on improving any of this.

Why do you pay for the childcare?

I cannot give you practical advice regards your relationship but I wonder whether you would benefit from a complete change of work for a while to give you time to catch up with yourself, your children and your home.

Are you able to look into funded training courses, access courses for study?

how about reducing your hours and having six months boosted by UC. Carers have kept everything going during covid and it is thankless- you deserve some respite.

In your shoes, I would research universal credit as a single parent, tell your partner that he needs to leave the home and then see if you could reduce your hours to 16. Then start looking at alternative jobs that you can start to build a pathway to.

We have taken carers so much for granted during covid - you really need to let things take care of you for a while.

You also sound exhausted (which is hardly surprising).

i think a lot of things are dragging you down including the ‘no longer love’ partner.

You are so young, young enough to meet someone else, have more children. When you dream of your life in five years what do you want it to be full of? X

Have just reread your post and realised you have ME! My goodness you have a lot to do! Carer, young children - that’s not easy.

Have you checked iron and vit d levels? Magnesium is the magic for me - without it I am hopeless.

Thank you for replying.

With regards to the childcare, I just pay for a quiet life, money is another subject that causes friction! Also a very independent person and don't like relying on others so I do push myself to carry on. I am a chronic people pleaser don't want to upset anyone and will go out of my way to help others, often to the detriment of my own well being. Health wise I probably don't look after myself properly, am slightly underweight but it comes down to choosing sleeping over eating, sleeping wins 90% of the time. I have had low vit d previously so may be worth looking into.

In the last 5 years I've had 3 family bereavements and my parents marriage broke down so spent a good 2 years supporting a parent emotionally (many teary phone calls) Which has also been hard st times.

I have always thought about going into physiotherapy, I certainly like to help others and I think my brain for the academic side is in there hidden away somewhere. My memory is awful though! But it's having the motivation and confidence to go for it, plus working out the practicalities. If I could have anything it would be a stable home, some enjoyment in life and my children happy and experiencing everything they can/want to!

I feel like I am oversharing, but in real I have no close friends to speak of, my life revolves around the children, house and work. I keep thinking take some steps to change one thing, be a little selfish and perhaps the rest will follow. Its knowing where to start and taking that first step. As you can probably tell I spend a lot of time wrapped up in my own thoughts!

Your post has little response but some really smart posters will be on soon to give you some good advice.

I think you sound as though you have had a huge amount to deal with and have just kept going and now your body is creaking and crying out for some attention. I think if you are a people pleaser you probably always put your own needs last, too.

I think taking small steps is a good idea but not so small that you never make any progress. That’s why courses are good as they force you into a routine. Going from where you are now to becoming a physiotherapist is a big jump but that’s why you do all the steps along the way that break it down and make it manageable. From where you are now, I would look at ways to get into physio and work backwards so a degree is needed so what do you need to get into a degree? You have GCSEs which is good - you could take a levels or see if there is an access course that gets you on to a degree. Alternatively there may be programmes that train you on the job. It’s worth thinking about for say 2 years time and then in the meantime you get your finances and personal life in better shape so that you are read.

I think when you feel the way you do there is an instinct to want to change but we try and do it by bringing more into lives before we have got rid of the problematic things we already have. Give yourself a chance ! X

www.distancelearningcentre.com/course/access-to-he-diploma/physiotherapy-health-professions/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwhLKUBhDiARIsAMaTLnHRsTI-uqrIR8sHmLqirkSgpIoT2SNKAgNpL9NX7XMLkFOHRasVZJwaAsWGEALw_wcB

Nhs apprentice ships

www.skillstraininguk.com/apprenticeship-sectors/nhs-trusts-healthcare/?ppc_keyword=health%20care%20apprenticeship&gclid=Cj0KCQjwhLKUBhDiARIsAMaTLnEdwtheXLqYJL3fxXQUVtqRXF0SJk2vxEal6jYlRkF86AYLYeZ3gXEaAqgGEALw_wcB

www.csp.org.uk/careers-jobs/become-physiotherapist/physiotherapy-apprenticeships

Degree apprenticeship

A degree apprenticeship with a healthcare provider is another way to become a physiotherapist. Apprenticeships give you the chance to earn a living while gaining your qualification. Your employer and the government will pay the tuition fees, so apprenticeships aren’t eligible for student grants.

www.healthcareers.nhs.uk/explore-roles/allied-health-professionals/roles-allied-health-professions/physiotherapist

How much does your DH contribute financially to the household and how much does he help with housework etc? Why doesn't he contribute to childcare fees?

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond with such helpful advice as well. I have rambled but to be honest I needed to get this out somewhere and it has helped!
You are right I need to make that first step to push myself to get out of this and also look at ways to deal with the problematic things in my life currently.
Thanks again x

Hi,

We currently split all household Bill's, rent etc 50 50.
Housework is more me 85% him 15% (when I am motivated to do it!) I have a bad habit of letting things build up and then doing a big clean instead of keeping on top of things day to day. Could do with a massive declutter also. I think his mindset is very much males work, females take care of the home kind of thing whereas I need to work for my sanity as I don't have much else!

The childcare situation came about as I started a new job a few months back meaning he has to be available for pick/ups drop off and some weekends wheras my previous role was evenings and I sorted the childcare with a friend. So I just pay for the childcare to avoid any arguments I suppose as my current job means he has to do more. I mean he does it so I guess it's me trying to soften the blow? With his asd he gets frustrated with working and not having much left over but the way I see it is that is the way of the world these days, we are just above the bread line and it's a case of survival. As long as the kids have what they need I'm happy to go without. Whether its my fault/his fault its come to this or a combination I don't know.

I am always a bit surprised when I hear that some women carry all the childcare costs when in a relationship with the father of those children.

I always imagined it would be shared as both of you are the parents? I don’t understand the idea that the woman makes the arrangements and that the man is a bystander in all this.

Another one here who doesn’t understand how a Father avoids paying for childcare - They are also his children!?

Personally, I don’t believe in 50/50 unless both parents share ALL finances, childcare, household chores, etc and both salaries are similar. This can be impossible to split 50/50 in most family set ups. 50/50 may work well before children come along, after children not so much. Especially if one parent (usually the Mother) ends up taking on more of the child rearing and household responsibilities.

It’s not easier to not ask him to contribute to childcare. If it was, you wouldn’t be on MN asking for advice. Overall, it sounds like you’d be better off getting rid of him. Men are meant to protect and provide.