In being such a shit parent?

[Skippingthroughthepilots]

DD is 6. I have suspected SEN for years but no idea what to do really, school are supposed to be doing a form for a referral but no movement there in over a year because she is absolutely no problem for them.

At home life is just... awful. There are nice moments, but mostly a lot of screaming, hitting, meltdowns, rude and nasty personal attacks. Nothing we do is right. I've seen the patterns clearly for ages and I think most of it is due to anxiety, but that's where the problem lies. I can't let her anxiety rule all our lives and everyone else in the family suffer or walk always on eggshells, so I get harsh about it (being nice, patient, explaining things has never worked, just wasted loads of time with no effect). For example - I move some furniture to clear space. She goes crazy. I end up putting her outside/employing a horrible threat like taking away a toy just to get her to stop screaming about it. If I ignore, she will keep on at me until I snap, so I am getting quicker to be harsh, which is obviously a horrible feeling.

Or if she has a party/playdate she will begin day by attacking younger siblings, telling them how rubbish they are etc. Will panic about clothes. Meltdown or begin campaign of rudeness until an adult loses their temper. Only when we have snapped and shouted back or punished her will she stop. The nice way never works. Whatever is going on in her head can't stop to see reason.

So AIBU to just keep being that shit parent who bullies, threatens or shouts? I obviously don't feel good about it, she's so young, but is this just what people do? Or is there another way? I'm out of ideas and we're all so miserable.

I agree that she needs to receive information about changes before they happen, like explaining you were planning to move the furniture, why, and when it would be moved back. And provide her with an option to be in another room while it happens.

The pushing with rudeness sounds like anxiety. She’s looking for tight boundaries to help her feel safe. If you frequently acquiesce to her demands she will feel insecure and anxious because she doesn’t know where the limit is.

Children like this often enjoy pretty stringent routines.

And heavy work can help them stay calm eg pushing, pulling, any sort of resistance. Swimming, running and cycling are great, also hanging from the monkey bars, helping by carrying shopping, that sort of thing.

Lower demands and expectations on your child.
Often standard disciplinary techniques do not work for ND kids and can make things worse so don't feel bad if what you are trying doesn't seem to be working.
Also it's really standard for others to not see any issues and tell you everything is fine- in my experience eventually it becomes more obvious to others.
Read "the explosive child" and see if any of it helps.
Be kinder to yourself.

You’re not a shit parent @Skippingthroughthepilots . You’re simply trying to navigate parenting of a neuro diverse child without all the tools & knowledge.Push for a referral, you’ll realise how ASD affects the way your daughter processes the world around her and it will make your life much easier.

A lot of issues with verbal & “bright” kids on the spectrum steams from being overlooked because they often outspoken and seem to be understand a lot. Which they might but their processing is completely different. A child can be exceeding in some things but lacking basic skills on other. The development is not consistent across all areas.
They struggle to cope with their own emotions, let alone people around them.

No two children with ASD are the same, but your DD does present a lot of behaviours I know from other ASD children I used to look after. An official diagnosis is not going to make your daughter worse - it will help you access the support she needs.

Thanks, I will go and read that. I guess the thing about others telling you what they think is hard, there's a lot if ND in my dad's family which is why my mum thinks were 'looking' for it. I think the only thing I'm really looking for is some strategies to help us all cope, whatever may or may not be going on. This thread has been really helpful

What’s dad’s input on this?

He struggles with exactly the same things as I do and is an involved parent. I guess I'm asking here for both of us, though I don't think he is a shit parent. He keeps his temper better than I do but is also at a loss as to what's best to do

You've described my youngest DD to a tee. I've suspected ASD since she was tiny (her siblings have it.) She creates hell at home but is an angel at school and with other people. She totally masks it and then lashes out at home. She copes with play dates as she has just a couple of close friends who she's comfortable with, but anything else that's a change of routine causes endless meltdowns.
School wont help as they say from their point of view she presents as fine, which I do understand but is frustrating.
So I've limited advice, other than with the meltdowns, in our experience getting mad and punishments don't help it just escalates the situation. Will your DD respond to hugs? Mine loves a hug and it calms her down, she will often put out her arms to be stroked too as it soothes her. Also giving her a private space she can unwind and have time out, something like a sensory tent you can keep dark, maybe put some fairy lights in or a bubble lamp?

One of mine has a processing disorder and she was 8 before she had a diagnosis school fobbed me off with shes immature etc etc, it's so frustrating.

YANBU. It is perfectly reasonable to be concerned about your child in this situation. You do not need to wait for the school to make a referral, if you do have a concern you should be able to speak to your GP. As other posters have pointed out, a child could have ASD but be able to mask. Some are high-functioning and actually do well academically.

Your mum is wrong to accuse you of 'making up problems'. You are not diagnosing your child, all you are doing is getting a professional to assess her.

She is also wrong to accuse you of 'looking' for ND. You are not 'looking' for it, you are reacting to your child's behaviour and looking for explanations and support. It sounds like she has a chip on her shoulder, so ignore her comments and do what is best for your own family.

I read a couple of books that might help, 123 magic might help you with a strategy to help deal with outbursts without using your shit. It's been very helpful here.

Your mum doesn't know DD as well as you do. School doesn't know DD as well as you do.

I found it very helpful to frame it that we were only seeking assessment. You don't have to diagnose her yourself and you don't have to convince your mother.