To be disappointed in this response?

[Bagoshite]

I recently split up with my long term partner. It was an unexpected breakup, and I am still feeling traumatised and bruised by it. I have no family other than my DC. I do have friends I have known for many years however my oldest group have a history of being flaky and unreliable.

It was like this before I met my Ex, in fact I'd kind of felt it for years but it was him that voiced it first - and then I realised how obvious it was that he could see it all. Anyway I stepped back a bit and stopped doing all the organising, which meant our meet ups became less frequent, and when they did, there was always some stress, which I'd end up relating to my partner. Who was always quite pragmatic about it but equally would say 'don't worry, however much they piss you off you've always got me'. Anyway, obviously I don't now...hence this thread!

So I've told these friends about the break up. I had to tell them by 3 different communication methods as 1 of them doesn't have a smartphone, 1 doesn't have messenger and the other doesn't have WhatsApp. As you can imagine, arranging anything is a nightmare. One was really kind, little or nothing from the others. I suggested meeting up. The kind one has a busy social life and isn't free til late summer apart from a couple of weekends when the others are busy. Which I get, people have arrangements, but it feels a bit disappointing that I'm not going to see any of them for 3 months, when it's actually now I could do with some support.

So that was the first disappointment. What put the fucking tin lid on it was when one of them (who I'd suggested I drive up and visit in the next month if we're not meeting up for ages - she lives about 80 mins away but doesn't drive and isn't working currently) says oh well you can come and see me when you want but we'll have to include Bob.

Bob is her 50 something boyfriend of a few months standing. I've met him once for about 15 mins. Why on earth do I want to spend the day with him, especially having just broken up with someone? I mean fucking hell is that not a bit insensitive?

Oh and the 3rd friend I can't easily go and see because her DH doesn't like visitors, and she doesn't like driving here!

None of them have children BTW, I do but mine are adults. No health issues, caring responsibilities etc.

I do have some other friends that I have a couple of things loosely arranged with next month but I guess I hoped for better from this lot. AIBU?

And no one called you?

Well, if I have read it right, you haven't kept up your friendship with them, but are now wanting them to drop everything because you want support from them ?

In which case YABU

Did you actually read the OP? That’s not what OP said at all.

I would have texted and asked you if it would be ok to call, as some might not.

Sorry you have had such a low key reaction from your friends.

If you can afford it could you consider a few counseling sessions?

No, they don't call as a rule. I can't remember the last time we spoke on the phone.

Its not that I haven't kept up a friendship. It's to like I've been ignoring them or anything, far from it. I was always the one messaging every so often saying shall we do this or that. I got fed up with it being down to me and so I contacted them less frequently. They never contacted me in between times though, nor to arrange anything. Unless I arranged it, none of us met up.

That's really, really shitty behaviour.
One of my closest friends lives in Dublin and I'm in Belfast so fair distance which means we don't see each other that often in person. Any news we have, we call. If one of us are lonely, we call.
Yanbu to expect more from your friends at your time of need.

Op I’m so sorry, it’s one of those awful things that when your friends all end up in different areas, everyone’s lives just kind of split and they go about their lives. I wonder had they thought you were broken up or the like? Did the other 2 definitely get your message? Either way it’s shit for you and I’m sorry x

They all definitely got the message about the break up. I'd last seen them with him just before Easter and they knew we were looking to buy a house, we were very much together.

I'm fuming over the day out with friend and her boyfriend. I mean honestly who would suggest that? I'm so annoyed I can't reply.

The 2 I've basically heard nothing from are the ones I've done loads for in the past, yet they can't even be bothered to see me (or want me to come out for the day with their boyfriend). It's rubbish.

Thing is I know if I say anything they will make me feel I'm in the wrong. So it's not worth it.

This happens, op. People grow apart, and you find that they aren't the kind of friends you need.

I would leave them in the past and move on. Find new friends.

I voted YABU because the 3 of them have always been “flaky and unreliable” per your OP. So, it is unreasonable to expect them to be any different now you’ve had a break up and need support.

They’re not your friends OP. You should have ditched them ages ago and I hope this is the final straw for you.

I hope your other (newer) friends are more supportive. You do deserve a shoulder to cry on.

Its not that I haven't kept up a friendship. It's to like I've been ignoring them or anything, far from it. I was always the one messaging every so often saying shall we do this or that. I got fed up with it being down to me and so I contacted them less frequently. They never contacted me in between times though, nor to arrange anything. Unless I arranged it, none of us met up.

How often did you talk and when was the last time you met up before the breakup? Could it be that you’ve just drifted apart and aren’t really close friends anymore?

They aren't your friends.

Shitty behaviour from them. When I went through a breakup my friends were amazing!

Ah OP, I'm so sorry. Sounds like you're having a really rough time and don't have the close network of friends that you'd like to get you through this shitty period.

I think - reading between the lines - that while the friendship has been maintained, they probably don't view it in quite the same way you do. It sounds like they see it more as a casual meet-up rather than a tight-knit group of friends who are the first port of call in a storm.

I disagree a wee bit with some PP - I think you can still maintain a friendship with them, but only on the proviso that you're happy to accept it's not a close network of support, and more just like a fun meet up between friends who now move in different circles.

I know you say you've got some other things loosely arranged but could you maybe start a new hobby or join some local groups? Sounds like it would be great to meet some new people and forge new friendships.

I saw them all a few months ago, with my now ex DP.

I would have hoped, as I have been there for them for major events in the past, they might make some effort for me. My expectations are realistic, I'm not expecting people at my door with wine and casseroles or on the phone to me daily, this is real life, not a novel. But a text, or arranging to meet up within less than 3 months I thought might happen. Or even just having the thought not to invite me on a day out with the bloody boyfriend!

We don't have meetup groups locally really, not sure why but there you go. And I am not in the place for hobbies right now. I can't sleep and am barely managing my work, frankly I'm not managing it. I don't have the headspace for other stuff now. Getting through the day is hard enough. I've lost my best friend. I'm trying to come to terms with that.

They sound like acquaintances now and not really friends anymore OP. Personally I would have asked when are you free for a chat and also suggested a 1:1 if we couldn't get a date in for a group meet up soon. I have friends I hardly see but we make the effort for each other when shit happens. Sorry about your break up and I hope you're OK.

Could you meet your kind friend, without the others, on one of her free weekends?

Wishing you well OP💐

I'm fuming over the day out with friend and her boyfriend. I mean honestly who would suggest that? I'm so annoyed I can't reply.
yes, absolutely bs, ridiculous of her

Thing is I know if I say anything they will make me feel I'm in the wrong. So it's not worth it.
unfortunately this says too much about them, if they try to make you feel guilty then they’re not worth it, which doesn’t help you at all X

Exactly, a friendship where you can’t speak without being made feel bad is not a true friendship.

What would happen if you called or texted and actually stated your needs clearly i.el ‘I’m struggling and I could really do with some support’?

That way they can’t pretend everything is hunky dory with you. Are you labelled as tye ‘strong’ one?

They've always been shit friends.
Do you have others you can lean on?

I think there is an expectation I should just get on with it. I think if I reached our expressly asking for support, the one who sent the nice response would probably call me (or ask when they could call), the other 2 would at best send some platitudes via text.

I have 1 friend who has phoned me to talk about it and see how I am, and told me I can always call her to discuss, but I don't want to keep burdening her with it as she has shit of her own going on.

Apart from that as mentioned I have a couple of outings planned with others over the coming months, and that's about it. Better than nothing.

Sounds like they are letting the friendship drift tbh.

It doesn't sound like any of uou really value the friendship. Although I completely get being the one making the effort it does sound off you are only willing to make the effort now you're single again.

I would just arrange to see the nice one just ghe two of you and see if the others ever get in touch.

When the positions have been reversed there's been more support, but I think I'm expected to get on with it. We did meet up a few months ago at which lots was said about meeting up again soon. And I did put one of them up for a couple of nights soon after too (including providing meals etc).

I'll bite my tongue and not reply to the message other than to say let's leave it til late summer when we women can all meet up. Hopefully friend will take the hint and leave her 'boyfriend' at home when we do finally arrange something.