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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell people about my infertility?

25 replies

josil · 23/05/2022 17:07

I'm talking in casual conversation, not with close family but say a distant friend or acquaintance or anyone else really.

What do you say when people ask the sort of questions people do when in mid thirties - do you want children etc those sorts of questions?

I'm looking for genuine responses here so please don't put thinks like 'tell them to eff off, or mind their own business' because in real life conversation that's just not realistic . Not for me anyway.

Today I found myself just being honest with someone me saying it's not as easy for some as it looks, but I just wandered what others say in this situation? Or what's been said to you if you've not had infertility yourself but perhaps asked someone else about it?

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 23/05/2022 17:09

People can be so rude! Asking v personal Qa. So say whatever you find easiest for you.

Original poster

josil · 23/05/2022 17:14

@Loopytiles I know. I need a response for people that do this. One that's firm but also not too rude I don't want to stoop to their level!

OP posts:

TeddyTonks · 23/05/2022 17:17

I have generally always offered whatever version of the truth I am comfortable with, ranging from:

'Actually we've had multiple failed rounds of IVF' down to:

'Its not always that easy'.

Responses generally fall into three categories:

Sympathetic/empathetic- want to support you/discuss own problems/experiences

Horrified and totally shut the conversation down

Shit advice eg. Relax, adopt, eat mung beans 🙄

1 is kind of lovely, made a few friends this way. 2 is fine as they shut up. 3 is annoying, just have some shut-down responses for these as at the wrong time they can push you over the edge!

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 23/05/2022 17:19

Depends what mood I was in

When we started ivf I was quite open about it. But before hand I was hurting big time.

Some kinder ones were

hopefully one day
I'm really hopeful
finding it a bit rough.

Other not so polite

I don't know you well enough to discuss my sex life
my uterus is not the topic of conversation
relaxing will not help my DH grow non shit sperm
ooh how's your sex life then?
I'm in infertility hell and would rather not discuss

SommerTen · 23/05/2022 17:22

I'm 45 and have been unable to have a baby for complicated health reasons... I look quite young and work in a hospital with lots of staff who don't all know me that well, & patients who don't know me at all, so I get "have you got children, are you planning to..." etc...

I just say 2 phrases.. "sadly not" and "health problems" which stops people asking more.
If they are really nosy I say "I prefer not to discuss it". And pointedly change the subject.

Sometimes my stomach has looked fat and I've been asked if I was pregnant!! Again, I find "sadly not" gets a quick apology.

TeddyTonks · 23/05/2022 17:23

relaxing will not help my DH grow non shit sperm I used this a few times 😂

Hbh17 · 23/05/2022 17:25

Nobody has the right to ask these questions, & that includes asking people who choose to be child-free. I wish - in the past - I had had a good answer. Maybe something like "It's really not appropriate to ask such a personal question", & that would hopefully close down the conversation.

Battygirll · 23/05/2022 17:29

I had recurrent miscarriages before my ds was born.

I started a new job just after my last loss and this horrible woman kept bellowing across the office to ask "Why haven't you got children?". It was awful.

In the end, I chickened out and just said that I hadn't been married very long.

Next time she asked, I said that I had experienced significant difficulties trying to have a baby. Didn't put her off 😠

Vursayles · 23/05/2022 17:33

Just be honest, tell them you can’t. Might be a conversation killer but it also might make them think twice next time before asking such a personal question. Infertility shouldn’t be stigmatised and if they’re bold (rude) enough to stick their nose into your personal business, they should be adult enough to deal with the response.

NumberTheory · 23/05/2022 17:34

For a long time I said I didn’t want kids. Which was true when I started saying it and I kept that up for a while when we started trying. Then as things got more difficult I just said we were trying but hadn’t been successful.

i don’t think you owe people the truth, but I’ve never found any comfort or ease in keeping this stuff private when it’s actually affecting my life in some way. I also didn’t experience any negative attitudes, though, and your social circle may be different.

HSKAT · 23/05/2022 17:35

I just used to say, hopefully one day.

I had a women at work ask me constantly when are you having a baby, I used to always reply with the above. Then one day I had enough 'ive had two MC, so god knows when I'll be lucky enough' she didn't ask again.

Maireas · 23/05/2022 17:44

It's really awful how thoughtless and insensitive some people are. I can only assume that their personal experience of conception, pregnancy and birth was so straightforward and easy that they have absolutely no idea.
I don't know why someone would ask another why they haven't got any children.

AliceAbsolum · 23/05/2022 17:45

I often say "not sure depends if the 3rd/ 4th /5th cycle of ivf works".
People generally back off. Or offer advice. Personally I fucking hate being told if I relax I'll be able to have a kid. So half the time I wish I'd never said anything

Dinoteeth · 23/05/2022 17:46

Baby's don't always come to order!

Sometimes people can be really nosy. I never went back to a hairdresser because she was far to nosy.

Maireas · 23/05/2022 17:46

Vursayles · 23/05/2022 17:33

Exactly this. A direct response may stop them asking. Then again, it may not!

DashboardConfessional · 23/05/2022 17:56

I would have been in the camp of "Ah, no, unfortunately I can't" in the hope they will think twice next time. I do have a son but I struggled with what to say when we were trying and attended what felt like a billionty family weddings.

I think "Do you have children?" is a fairly normal small talk conversation though - it's the "Will you/when/why haven't you" brigade that sucks.

Dizzyhedgehog · 23/05/2022 18:31

I got a new car a few weeks ago. It's a large 7-seater. A colleague commented that it was now time to have some more children to fill up all the spaces. I answered that we've been trying to do exactly that for the past 4 years. (We've got DS5 and have actually been trying to have children for about 11 years in total now. DS took ages, too.) She came up to apologise to me later, for asking. It's not generally a problem for me, though. I tend to be quite open about our issues. Several of my colleagues know that our third round of ivf has just failed. It's shit but there's not much I can do about it.

What irritates me is the stupid advice some people (including my DM) like to give. Relaxing or going on holiday won't help me to conceive. My tubes are shut. The only thing it might achieve is yet another ectopic pregnancy.
Telling me to just be happy about having DS and not trying to have any more is also shit advice. Had I listened to people about giving up before we had DS, we wouldn't have him, either. No, he will not necessarily be a shit brother just because there will be an age gap. It's not as if we set out to have it but again, there's nothing I can bloody do about it. We want another baby, he would love a sibling. So we'll keep trying. Other people can keep their unsolicited opinions to themselves.

Phrenologistsfinger · 23/05/2022 18:39

Depends on the context/rudeness of the question. I tend towards honesty so I might say all my babies died, I’ve been pregnant ten times but no baby, we are doing IVF, we are dealing with infertility or we are ‘working on it’.

if people ask the question it’s on them to deal with whatever answer I choose to give. Obviously, in some contexts like work I would be more polite/guarded.

RosieRainbow1986 · 23/05/2022 18:39

This is a really tricky one and before I had a miscarriage I'd always say we're happy as we are. But since the miscarriage it's obvious we're trying and want a baby, so in work I tend to be a bit more open about it when it comes up as all of my colleagues know about the miscarriage. Only very close friends and my mum knew about our struggles previously and even then not the full extent.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 23/05/2022 18:59

I think it depends on the phrasing, but I tend to a) pretend I haven't heard, b) ask why they're asking with a quizzical expression, and/or c) laugh and apologise saying something like "sorry, I just never know what to say as it's such a personal question isn't it?" (and ultimately I don't give an answer).

If really pushed I'm happy to say I don't want to discuss it, or if they are extremely persistent and I feel justified I get into why uts a really unacceptable question! Easier with people where it doesn't matter if you offend them!

TheGoogleMum · 23/05/2022 19:03

If you're able to just be honest and they'll realise it was rude to ask!

Heartofglass12345 · 23/05/2022 19:03

I don't think it's a bad thing to talk about it, but I think it's weird for people to bring children into a conversation as if everyone should want/ have them.
It's a bit like miscarriages in a way, people say it's not spoken about but a lot of people don't even know when some women are pregnant let alone have had a miscarriage.
Sorry if I'm sounding blunt but I really think people should start talking about these things, especially if others are going to ask questions like that (they should really mind their own business though)
Sorry you are struggling to conceive though, I really hope it does happen for you

SleepingFrog · 23/05/2022 19:45

I've always been open about if it people ask but I will be blunt and matter of fact because people don't realise it's really not appropriate to ask. I used to say I'd love a child but I'm infertile, or I'd love another child but we are lucky to have DC1 because I'm infertile. It took a number of years to get DC1 and DC2 was IVF which cost thousands. If they were curious and probed further I would tell them what treatment I was having as it's not embarrassing or something to be ashamed of. I also made it clear the costs of these things as so many don't know that IVF isn't just free for anyone.

As you've probably already experienced, people love to tell you about everyone else they know who has had struggles/fertility treatment or reassure you it will work when you relax/stop trying 🤦 I usually just reply with something like "thanks, that's good to know" as in reality it's quite normal to not want to end a conversation on an awkward note which is why they're telling you something hopeful.

If you prefer, it's completely fine to say "sorry I don't want to discuss it" and close the conversation down.

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 23/05/2022 20:16

I just say we can't have children. For most people with more than 3 brain cells rattling around their skull it isn't an invitation to prove further, but you'll get the imbeciles from time to time, and to them I tend to just say they've overstepped the mark.

Redouble · 23/05/2022 20:24

I used to be almost apologetic and say something like 'hopefully one day!' but now I have less patience, especially because when you think about it, it really is a rude question to ask. And I would get replies like 'well don't wait forever!!'

I'm honest now, and say 'I can't have children, but they were very much wanted.'

And I hope they learn not to ask again.

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