Please read- sick of being treated like this

[Toastandjamandbutter]

I’ll try to keep this short and not too long and boring! Just looking for a bit of advice or if anyone has ever been in a similar situation.

I’m an adult now but I was brought up by family that weren’t my parents. One of my parents has an extreme criminal record and I had no contact, and the other was sort of well intentioned but completely dysfunctional and couldn’t cope as a parent (when I lived with them it was non stop parties and drinking with friends, dirty house and dog poo on the floor, I didn’t have a bedroom.. you get the picture). She never really liked me when I was younger and I always knew she regretted having me, she told me often enough. She was also notorious for taking out loans or commitments and leaving them to pay the extended family to pay them back- totalling thousands over the years. I actually still love my mum and even though I haven’t lived with her in years, we are in contact via phone call but it’s very occasional and it’s taken a long time for me to accept they will never be the parent I wanted them to be.

the family who brought me up were amazing and I had a fantastic childhood when I was with them. I still live in the family house as an adult now whilst I’m studying and we get on really well.

but the thing that I’ve noticed is that I seem to get treated the same way as my mum (the dysfunctional parent). It’s her side’s extended family I live with and it’s hard to explain because they treat me really well but I feel like I’m almost treated like an extension of her sometimes. She’s definitely the odd one out in the family in terms of how she behaves and her siblings all turned out fantastically and are really successful professionally and in general life. They’re more like my siblings than uncles and aunts and there isn’t a big age gap as my mum had me when she was young.

When they talk about things like nights out and drinking, my extended family treat it as being funny- they never caused any trouble or do anything wrong. But neither do I. When I go on nights out with my uni friends, they act very disapproving about it and say I shouldn’t drink and they tut and sigh. I’ve never caused ANY trouble and I’m just a normal early20s year old so of course I’ve drank too much- but that consists of throwing up a few times at my friends house. No police, no drama, no fighting, no hospital, I’ve never done any of the stuff my mum did. But they act the same disapproving way as when my mum drank or went on nights out but I’m nothing like her. I don’t understand why they find it funny and ‘one-of-those-things’ with mock disapproval for her siblings and with me it’s definitely
not funny and I get a lecture about being sensible and tuts and sighs. I don’t even drink very often as I have big sport commitments and I never cause any trouble, and my family are genuinely so kind and wouldn’t hesitate to drive hours and pick me up during the night after a night out, but I still feel like im treated like an extension of my mum sometimes and they’re worried I’ll act like her rather than her siblings

Or if I skip a lecture to go out with my friends (doesn’t happen often but not exactly unusual) my family clearly don’t approve and get worried about my grades or if I’ll get in trouble and they tut and sigh and make it clear they don’t approve at all. It’s the same way they act when they talk of my mum going wild at uni (although unlike me she went completely wild and caused a lot of trouble) but with her siblings they used to skip lectures and go out with their friends and it was seen as being funny and one of those typical student things! I’m an A grade student and don’t cause anywhere near the amount of trouble my mum did, so why am I treated like her rather her siblings? I think they love me so much and they’re worried I’ll make the same mistakes she did, but it’s hurtful because I’ve worked so hard to be a different person from her

there's loads of other examples but it all basically comes down to feeling like I’m treated differently to the rest of the family because everyone is worried I’ll turn out like my mum. I still love my mum loads even after everything but I’ll never ever be like her.

I’ve addressed it with my family but they just say they love me too much and are over protective and want the best for me- I know this is the truth and they’re genuinely so caring and good to me, but I’ve always wanted to be seen as one of the siblings rather than an extension of my mum, and im sick of being treated like I’m similar to her.

sorry big post and not really sure what I’m looking for, I just needed to get this off my chest☹️

I know it probably just seems like a little thing and not a big deal but when it happens over and over again its a reminder that no matter what, my mums behaviour is always going to be attached to me too

Do you think maybe it's because they see as their daughter rather than because they think you're like your mother though? Like they feel more responsible for you than they would their other nieces/nephews/siblings?

Either way, have you asked them or had any conversation about it?

What I'm getting from this is you have a protective family who wants to see you go in the right direction and not follow your mom's footsteps. Because of your mom's history they're probably being more cautious to keep you right as they know there could be a great chance of "not breaking the cycle".

I can definitely understand how it could be overwhelming and annoying though. And like PP said maybe they see you as a daughter and not as a sibling as you've said.

If you are going to let them know how you feel, I'd be very cautious of my approach, they seem like a nice family who just want the best for you tbh.

There are probably a few elements at play here.

You’re likely right, one of those is probably watching your behaviour and scrutinising it for comparisons to your Mum, most likely from a place I’d worry and love but I can see how that would be infuriating, you’re a different person.

They likely treat you as their youngest child and that sibling within a family is often the most protected, again annoyingly but a fairly normal family dynamic.

The very fact that you’re not their DC but (I assume) they’re DGC, adds another layer of protectiveness. People are WAY WAY more protective of other DC they have responsibility for than their own DC. DGP especially and in your situation where they’ve brought you up in place of your own wanting parents, they’ll feel a lot of pressure to get it right.

Underatanding why though doesn’t help the day to day annoyance. I’d start detaching with love as any normal early DC would do living their own lives, it’s a normal part of finding your own independence. Stay out at friends after drinking or even over a weekend now and again. Don’t tell them you’re skipping lectures. Tell them about things that are happening in your life as a done deal, not asking for advice or approval. You don’t need their approval, you’re a young woman.

You sound like a mature and sensible woman OP, you’re doing great.

So many typos!!

If you are out, say you are staying at a friend's to study. They don't need to know that you are clubbing or skipping lectures. You need to be more independent. Most people stop sharing the exact things with their parents in their teens.

Your oversharing is causing you trouble. If you are safe then they don't to need to know any more than that.

They may always view you as an extension as your mum and they may never overcome this worry but there are things you can do your side.

How much of an age gap is there with you and the aunts and uncles?
are they still in university too or working?
Is it a scenario like this :
”Uncle John comes home drunk after skipping college and his parents just laugh and say oh John you character!” Where as when you come home you get a lecture and tutting

or are the aunts/uncles adults and it’s more like
“oh John remember the time you came home drunk and messed up your college exams!”

coz if they’re adults your grandparents can laugh about stuff they may have scolded them for at the time or if they have wild nights and are successful professionally they might see their parenting work as “done” and it’s up to them how they live their lives
and even though you’re an adult they still see you as needing parenting as you’re still in education
maybe they see you as an extension of your mother and are trying to not make the same mistakes or decisions they themselves may have made when parenting your mother or maybe they just genuinely see you as the baby of the family

Could they be concerned about your alcohol intake becoming an addiction? I think there are some studies that show children of alcoholics have a higher chance of developing a dependency than those without an alcoholic parent.
If you want to continue living with them and enjoy their support and family life please have a frank conversation about it before you feel overwhelmed/resentful and driven out.
I think your family have done an amazing thing for you, you're one of the lucky ones. It sounds like they really care but maybe don't know how to express their concerns?