Comment a fair amount but nc as potentially outing.
Firstly, this isn’t really an aibu, I’m more just hijacking a busy thread to offload in safe anonymous space, I know I’m likely being unreasonable and a touch of any of the other well worn Mn tropes posters like to tell the OP when they are posting about friendship – ‘you sound controlling/silly/like a teenager/jealous’ ‘you can’t control other people’ etc. I know all this thank you. As I said I just need to go blurghh.
Background: relocated just before the pandemic (to be near DH’s ailing parents) not been easy making connections at my age and in the pandemic. DC started school last year and was hoping it would be a nice opp or us all to make friends. Phew, it has been quite a baptism of fire, I know some people talk about it but was not prepared for the level of cliquey, bitchiness, I thought like people often say on here it is exaggerated. It is not where DC is. This seems to be perpetrated by a certain group of women/children in DC’s class.
Anyway, despite this DC has made the odd friendship and one close one in particular whose Mum and Dad we also happily really get on with, I’ve become really quite close with this Mum (we also socialise as families) and it’s really the first time I’ve met someone through DC whom I have lots in common with.
This DF and child have been subjected to much of what we have by the group of women/children I first mentioned but has I would say taken it worse than I, on reflection I feel she thinks she should have been included in this group whereas I know really I wouldn’t have much in common so not overly bothered. DF has bitched relentlessly about them – much of it deserved frankly but a few things have made me feel more than uncomfortable actually and have made me question how nice she actually is.
There’s also been quite a lot of gossiping, much of this has clearly been gleaned first hand and DF Told me how ‘whenever so and so speaks to you it’s like she’s talking to some uncouth alien’ so obviously has been but I was unsure how as whenever I do pick up these particular women don’t seem to be doing it anymore and if they are don’t talk to DF/us.
Weirdly though DF changed one of the days she does pick up earlier in the year -to a day I don’t, it was odd at the time as she was strange/cagey as to why, which I couldn’t understand, but soon forgot about as who cares really/not important, but she never did give a real reason thinking back. This gossip must be being gleaned on this day and this is when she is talking to them or one person in particular, now pretty certain as my childminder was ill a few weeks ago and I picked up on this day totally last min, I flew in late due to work and there she was chatting cosily with one particular woman.
FF to this weekend DF and family came to us for brunch, their DC was doing something a little ‘naughty’ and friend’s DH said ‘Oh they’ve gotten that from that Sammy when he came over the other day’ I looked confused as it was said like I should know who this is - didn’t, but then clicked it was one these women’s DC and Sammy is from class. My DF went bright red and it momentarily got very awkward. DF’s DC is not friends with Sammy or definitely wasn’t. DF was very aggrieved about this at one point, her DC is one of oldest in class (as is Sammy) my DC is one of the youngest (v late summer) but certainly holds their own in terms of language and social skills, they certainly aren’t holding anyone back, but DF was moaning about her DC not holding their own with and being excluded by the other older children (most of whose parents are in the original clique I mentioned).
DF hadn’t mentioned this playdate (I mean yes I know why would she in some respects – but come on!!) and when also remembering the other week at pick up, I’ll admit I momentarily felt a little wrongfooted and to my embarrassment jealous, I’m pretty certain (although I will say we’d had a few glasses bubbles at that point) DF sensed this and almost then began to dig the knife and every conversation was turned round (completely tenuously) to this woman, even DH who doesn’t normally notice these things was a bit 😏. She even started calling her by an ‘in friend’ joshing name – think normally known as Gillian but calling her 'Gilly', it was like the 40 yo version of my new friend has two ponies, my new friend has met Take That, as jealous I felt it was also super cringey and I think emboldened by the fizz on DF’s part.
This was on Sat, and I spent all day yesterday feeling really, really meh. So embarrassed with myself at being slightly jealous and panicking that I am going to be ‘dropped’ as we really do have so much in common, but also being WTAH you have bitched and gossiped to me mercilessly about this woman, some of it downright nasty and I know anyone would be furious to know things they had said to someone whom they were making an attempt to be friendly with (which they must have been given what I saw on that pick up day) was then being repeated and gossiped about to another Mum. And then furious that was obviously trying to make me feel bad, or now as I’m writing it I’m thinking maybe she wasn’t and just has zero social awareness, it was super cringe.
I think by the end of the Bruch I think I was probably struggling to keep a poker face on how I was feeling and DF was feeling a bit guilty (fizz probably wearing off), as she was being super gushy with me on leaving and I think I was a little ‘yes goodbye now, off you fk’ (which I'm ashamed off as I try not to let my emotions get the better of me like that - it's a silly game to get into) as I haven’t heard a sausage from her, which of course has enraged me even more that she has not bothered to send even a courtesy message to say thanks for the frankly lovely food and drink.
Urghhhhh to be feeling like this at 40 years old!!