To say I have no friends?

[Doingdoingdont]

I have work colleagues, acquaintances and family but no real friends. I have just ended my marriage and realised that I have no one in real life to confide in, vent to, or ask for support. I have a close family but they have enough to be getting on with ( ivf, cancer, dementia and more) and don't want to burden them with my woes. I have had friends that I used to socialise with but never a large close friendship group that some people seem to be part of. I can see my life in front of me as a long lonely one. I have never been part of the "school mums" , I always feel a bit awkward and that I don't quite fit anywhere.

I'm sorry about your marriage OP. I also feel like i have no one, I have acquaintances but no one I can fully confide in.

I am also really awkward and I hate small talk, I am an introvert and also shy so it is harder. I would love to have friends but find it difficult to make friends.

I think the best thing to do is find some hobbies and make friends from there.

I disagree about hobbies, they don't happen regularly enough to foster deep and meaningful interactions, and most people are there to get on with the said hobby and then go home afterwards.

If I were you I'd explore networks through your children and their school. Are you involved in the PTA? Do you attend events set up by the school to get patents involved? What else is going on in your community?

Hi OP
Sorry about you marriage 💐
have you had close friends when you were younger? I think it is definitely difficult in midlife to build close friendships - people can have a lot going on with work and family.

if you were looking for advice (ignore if you just need to vent) I’d say it’s a ‘focus on what you are doing not how you are doing’ situation. Check in with people who are having a tough time, volunteer for something, hobbies per above, plan to learn something new. Closer friend relationships may follow.

Hi op I joined a walking thing. I agree. Not easy. Really feel people drifted lately. Nobody commits. Even a coffee cinema. Very disheartening. My kids much older so school gate chat is gone. Didnt find hobbies brought me any steady friends.

I think you definitely can make friends via hobbies and volunteering. Strike up conversations with the same people every week, maybe invite them to do the hobby/go out outside of the normal day you do it.

I volunteer and I don't even go in that much. I'm not close enough that I'd call them at 3am, but I do feel I can confide in some of the people there, we have deep convos. All very open and nice people.

If nothing else, it builds your confidence in meeting new people. Don't feel alone I'm not having close friends- it's not that uncommon but people don't want to admit for obvious reasons.

Sorry about your marriage OP. I also have no friends and it is very lonely. I thought that I would make mum friends too but everyone seems to know each other and I feel like the odd one out.

Could you try to reconnect with old friends?

I think you can make friends through hobbies though it takes time. Are there any clubs in your area for people who are divorced/separated/widowed? Or something like the WI or Townswomen's Guild? There's bound to be something, you just need the courage to walk through the door on your own for the first time, then it gets easier.

Sorry to read about the change in your circumstances @Doingdoingdont 💐 That chapter has now ended and I hope you will have other opportunities to make friends and meaningful connections. Life’s tough at the best of times, no more so than when feeling you’re totally alone. Sending you strength & positive vibes!

Really sorry to hear you're feeling like this OP. How old are your DC? I made friends though joining the PTA. It does take some effort though to be smiley and chatty when you don't really feel like it. Also engaging in WhatsApp groups, etc, which doesn't come naturally to everyone.

You say you have acquaintances. Do you think you could build friendships with any of them?

Thanks everyone, I think I was feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning. I haven't told anyone in real life other than my DCs that I have split with DH and it just feels lonely. I know to make friends I just have to put myself outthere but I find that really hard. O always hated trying to "push" my way into conversations at mum and baby groups etc and find it very intimidating when people already have connections. At least it seems I am not alone in feeling this way. I find it easier to talk on here than to people face to face.

I have no answer but I understand. I'm sorry you find yourself in that situation.

If you knew me you would think that I had lots of friends, I regularly go out for drinks/meals/walks/theatre etc with other people.
But I don’t actually feel that I can actually talk about anything ‘deep’ with any of them, it’s all small talk about the latest tv show or new recipe etc
I have tried to talk about other things but I’m not sure that people really want to hear about my problems and I generally feel that I get the brush off.
I think these wonderful friendships are as much a myth as the perfect romantic love.

I think there are a lot of people who have no real deep friendships. Please try not to dwell on it. There has been lots of good advice on here from people, volunteering and joining groups or starting the gym etc are all good ways to try and meet new people which may lead to some solid friendships. If not then it's good to try to focus on the things in your life that do bring you joy and happiness.
Good luck op 💐

I found myself in a similar position on my divorce. It was a mix of circumstances, having moved to a new country, focusing too much of my time on the husband instead of investing in friendships, the only friends I had at the time sided with exH, I had a very demanding career that meant having no free evenings in the week etc. I went through all of it alone but eventually landed on my feet, reconnected with old friends, made some new ones too. 4 years later I have actual friends I can call on! Be strong, it's a very very difficult time.

I don't have any friends either and went through a divorce a few years ago. Not one person asked me if I was ok (I wasn't) and it's the one time I've regretted not being social.
I'm not on social media and I wasn't on Mumsnet then as I didn't have kids. It was really lonely and I just needed to vent to someone. I do think I'm still having issues now as I feel like I never resolved the problems at the time. Then I ended up in a couple of shitty relationships as I was lonely and felt I should get myself out there again.

If you don’t live in a massive city, maybe put a post on your local Facebook page? In my town you quite often get people that have just moved here or whatever posting asking if anyone fancies meeting up for a coffee. I realise that may be a bit scary though!

I know you haven’t recently moved but when I moved where I live now I knew nobody and it took a long time to make friends. And when it happened it just happened organically, I became good friends with my immediate neighbours, met someone else through dog sitting her dog for her, and another friend through Facebook. I don’t have a big group of friends here but I don’t really want one either.

Also dig deep into your past friendships and attempt to rekindle anyone who you’d like to see again, drop them a line through Facebook or send them a text. See what comes back! Before I got to know people where I am I spent a lot of time chatting to old friends on the phone.

if all else fails, and it sounds like you could really do with someone to talk things through right now, maybe get some counselling? Either in person or online. I used to work for Relate and counselling can be really good for newly single people to recalibrate their heads after a break up.

Look closer to home and by that I mean, your neighbours. I made wonderful friends with some of my neighbours, some of those friendships are over 20 years old now. We go for walks, meet ups at the park with the children, pop in for coffee, organize bbq/ dinner, we do crafts together etc e Some of them live elsewhere now but friendship still there.

I was having this conversation with my DP only yesterday.

I have literally no friends here, and as my DP lives away and we’re not in a position to move for logistical reasons literally the only people I see during the week are my DS and occasionally my neighbours, plus supermarket staff and sometimes hospital staff if I have appointments, but I can go a whole week without talking to a single other person. And I went for months without seeing anyone other than my DS when I shielded during lockdown.

Thing is it’s no just that, the people I do know and would have considered to be friends are seemingly so flaky these days. Me and DP have one friend who is a notoriously bad communicator. He will take weeks to reply to texts and admits fully that it’s his fault and that he’s like it with everyone. And when we do meet up we do have a good time, but I’ve come to realise that I’m always the one initiating communication, so I haven’t done for the past few months, and haven’t heard from him.

And others I will say “let’s catch up soon, when are you free?” To be met with “yes, let’s do that soon,” even one I arranged to meet up with last week texted me on the Monday saying he couldn’t meet up on Friday because he’d been climbing at the weekend and was knackered. He then checked into somewhere on FB at the same time as he was meant to be meeting up with me. And so the list goes on.

It’s got to the point that actually I almost feel I would be being unreasonable to suggest going for a coffee etc with anyone since it seems abundently clear that me doing so is inappropriate for whatever reason.

And the thing is, I’m not sure those of us who struggle to make friends want massive girl cliques who go out clubbing or drinking or for weekends away, sometimes a coffee with a friend would suffice. But seems this is more and more difficult to achieve.

I don't think you are going to find the soothing friends that you need in time to help with the support you need right now post divorce, I would find a good counsellor and off load and get proper professional help and support to process your feelings and emotions.

Even with their health issues, I am sure your family would very much want to know what is happening with you, so please share this with them, even their love and care will make a difference.

When I moved I found getting a part time job in a bar/ pub helped my social interactions no end, and made lots of friends and met new and interesting people. It definitely met a social need of chatting and laughing each night.

Taking up new hobbies or sports, or joining a cycling group that includes weekends away would be a good idea, calling your old friends and organise a get together with them - I am sure they would be so glad to hear from you.

Be proactive and follow up when you meet new people. Host the odd BBQ for neighbours and get to know the people around you. It will come, in time, and you will have a new chapter.

I have friends in other parts of the country but only one where I actually live. I had to let go of a drama queen two years ago then the pandemic hit. I stopped attending a spiritual group I attended many years but still keep loosely in touch with one person from there. I have recently joined a couple of meet up dot com groups so slowly I am sure I can find a decent new f riend. I prefer quality to quantity and find being fussy works for me.

There is a woman in the neighbourhood I bump into now and again but she leads a very busy life so not sure if it is viab le. Will see how it goes.

Yes I relate to Hulahihi's post - every time I think there's a chance to start over meeting a new group of people, from NCT to courses and new jobs to each DC's set of school mums, and find someone 'like me' I have always just felt on the periphery of it all, just not managing to make genuine connections.

I know social media is not the be all and end all but when I see photos of those sort of groups all having reunions it gets me down a little that mine have somehow not lasted. I don't know why I won't allow myself to get fully involved. I try but find it's always only me trying to get people together, to no avail, and I give up in the end assuming they probably meet up in their own time without me.

I am quite close to my work colleagues but it has taken years and I still don't fully open up.

I always felt like I was doing life wrong, having no close friends. Then I realised that I was judging myself by other people's standards and that actually I don't particularly want loads of close friends taking up brain space. Adhering to social rules and remembering to make contact with people, when their birthdays are, when they're going on holiday and what they did at the weekend etc is impossible for me and people think you're uninterested when you don't remember. It's just easier not to. Are you genuinely bothered by not having close friends or do you just feel like you should be because that's what the rest of the world sees as "normal"?

Sorry for what you're going through.
I agree people are so busy it can be hard to make friends.
For me, I have issues with trust and struggle with female friendships. I find the sharing/sometimes over-sharing too much as my mind goes into overdrive and I back off. I started volunteering in January and recommend it - you can have a lot of friendly conversations without the obligation and that helps with loneliness. Good luck.

Your last sentence makes alot of sense@DaisyStPatience, something to think about isn't it

@DaisyStPatience you’ve summed it up really well. I had a city job and worked with lots of men - so much easier. The part of parenting I dreaded the most was the ‘school gates’ and It’s been proved right. I hoped having a child would lead to close friends for me and my daughter ie a mum I get on with a a daughter that she does. It hasn’t really happened. She’s at an independent school and they seem to be obsessed with gossiping and bitching. I do feel there is a social pressure to prove you have friends and somehow if you don’t there is something wrong with you.‘I’d like just one close one to confide in and do things with. I have acquaintances but no one I could call on to go out for a drink or in a crisis. I’m in my late forties with a primary school child which doesn’t help as I’m beyond the petty ‘she said this ‘ drama.