To ask if you work and have a poor sleeper

[abeanbaked]

How do you manage? I'm at the end of my tether, DH works full time, I work 28 hours (mix of day and nightshifts). Our DS (11 months) is such a poor sleeper just now, he has had periods of being quite good but never sleeps past 6am if he does.

Just now he needs rocked and shushed to sleep at 7.30pm, wakes around 1am then 4am then up for the day at 6am. DH does childcare morning and evening when I work as I start early and finish late. We take turns at getting up in the night but between this, the dog and work, we're just done. We've completely drifted apart and constantly fight over sleep. My parents and siblings all work full time so can't help during the week and aren't keen to give up their weekends. DH's family provide childcare when I work days and he starts with his child minder one day a week soon so that will help in that they don't have him all the time. How does everyone else get by!?

I have tried co-sleeping out of sheer desperation to get some more sleep but he just crawls around the bed!

Being honest, I quit my job. The lack of sleep wasn't the only factor but it did contribute.

@DockOTheBay I have considered this and it may be an option this time next year. I feel like I'm pouring from an empty cup both at work and home!

Yup I have year old twins and regularly work a 50 hour week on a couple of hours sleep a night - im the main earner - challenging high pressured job often with lots of domestic travel. To be honest I think my body is just used to it now. Twins are Up at 530am every morning no matter what time they go to bed. Bed times were taking hours but not long done some sleep training and got that down to an hour.

We took it in turns to co sleep so that we got a full nights uninterrupted sleep on alternating days. I do think that age was some of the toughest nights as it just seemed to be constant x

I didn’t have more than about 10 unbroken nights in 3 years with my first. I was a zombie a lot of the time but didn’t work shifts and DH shared the nights.

I slept whenever I could and even when he started nursery I’d sleep on the sofa for the three hours he was there.

It was hell.

Also, I didn’t go back until he was a year.

I'm going to put it out there okay. Have you considered sleep training?

I know it's controversial but there are other methods of sleep training than the "cry it out" method (something I, as well as most parents, undoubtedly disagree with).

My friend called in a sleep consultant for her then 9 month old, she said she would have added an extra 0 at the end of the price. It was invaluble to her.

Wishing you all the best (and lots of coffee!) ☕

Rocking and shushing a baby to sleep is the way you've taught your LO how to settle, and you need to break that. I wasn't a strict parent in any way at all apart from bedtime routines and sleeping. I'd get a sleep advisor in if you can afford it, or find a method online. It literally takes a week to crack, and you'll all be a lot happier for it. DD1 had me at the edge of a nervous breakdown until we did this.... and we started with the other 2 from birth.

My first DC nearly killed me off as she barely slept and I was working 4 long days a week and DH did 5. I can’t offer any advice at all as it’s all just a blur and I’m not sure how we survived, but just wanted to say we did. One day I just realised she had slept and I had slept, I was no longer exhausted, and I hadn’t wanted to clobber DH for a while. In fact I quite liked him again. It does get easier. So much so that I braved a second one (who so far sleeps!)

Honestly I sleepwalked through work the first few years and tried to use any half days etc I could, no help but hugs op (I quit after our third and just back now 10 years later)

Agree with the above. My boy twin wasn't much older than yours OP when his sleep regressed massively and we couldn't do co sleeping as he's too active. I gave in and sleep trained at 15 months and it's helped hugely

Other things to cope

• go to bed early - I'm usually in bed at 9pm just because at it's worst I was up with one or both twins from midnight so I'd aim to get at least 3 hours unbroken sleep before then

• do childcare drop off an hour earlier - in that hour before I start/leave for work I then catch up on ironing, clean a room a day where I can

• pay for cleaner or ironing to be done / we can't afford it so make do but if we could definitely something I'd consider

• lower standards - it's ok that things don't get done and things slip. As long as everyone clean, fed and healthy a bit of mess or pile of washing is fine

• decline invites - I have one day On a Weekend to get things like garden and shopping done (eldest has various clubs on a Sunday)

I went back to work when DD was one and waking hourly. She didn’t stop waking hourly, and was breastfed at each wake-up, for another eight months or so.

The difference was I didn’t have to do shift work – I don’t think switching from days to nights will be helping your tiredness at all. And I worked from home the entire time so I was able to look like a physical wreck, not dress professionally, not struggle through a commute, etc. I also didn’t have dogs. Just work and sleeplessness, and that was enough. Not sure if this helps as you obviously can’t change your job pattern or ditch your dogs, but both of those things will be making it harder.

Things that helped:

Cosleeping
Going to bed early
Lie-ins and naps at the weekend
Strong coffee, hot showers, mountains of Haribo
Lowering my standards for everything, drastically

No advice but sympathy - I had the same when DS was about that age and it was hellish. He was awake most nights for a couple of hours at any time between midnight and 4am, then up at 5.30am. I’d been back at work a few months and was struggling as my workload had returned to normal, unlike the first few weeks of being back, and I was just running on empty. Put on a lot of weight too as I wasn’t exercising and was just gobbling easy, carby food all the time 😞

it just… changed, though. After peaking at being awake for the day from 2am, one day he slept through, and has done so since apart from illness.

Yes, when I went back to work when my first was a year old, I worked 28 hours and my partner 48. We both did shift work - days, long days and nights. There were many challenges. Firstly, it was taking us over an hour to get him to sleep at night so whoever was doing bedtime just didn't have an evening - we eventually fixed that with sleep training. Secondly, he used to wake in the night often and need us to rock him back to sleep - we temporarily fixed that with co-sleeping but he got too fidgety so we had to sleep train. Thirdly, he got up at 5.30 every day and still does so one of us is always up very early. Sleep-wise, if we were on days we had as early nights as possible to be able to get up at 5.30. Oddly nights were worse for the person not on nights because they had to do every bedtime and every early morning and still work. The best sleep I ever got was when I was on nights and my LO was at nursery in the day!

Yup. Two years of cosleeping and bf.

I teach three days a week and constantly worry about people realising I have no idea what I’m talking about any more.

I got pregnant again, and had another year off work. Thankfully DS2 slept, and by the time I went back for the second time, the boys were 1 and 3, and generally only woke once a night - often before DH came to bed. I slept 9-5, he slept 12-7.

Millpond Sleep Clinic. I tried 3 other consultants and they were the only ones who could crack early waking.

I sleep trained at 10m using CC. First night she cried for an hour at bedtime and an hour at 1am, second night she slept 7-7 and has done ever since.

Oh that sounds so hard.

I was struggling going back to work 29 hours a week. Had a 4 year old and a 1 year old at the time. 1 year old is now 2 and still wakes up.

I found it sooo hard. I've gone really shit at my job. I can't concentrate, I make little mistakes. Some days I am there but I'm not "there" mentally.

I don't know how you are managing doing some night shifts and looking after the dog as well. No advice, but yes, it is bloody hard 😩

I outsourced everything I could, co slept in the spare room so at least DH was fully on the ball and it maximised my sleep, and eventually I stopped BF which helped. She still wakes up once a night often though and is nearly 2! She also wakes up really early. I've just accepted that is her and now I go to bed at 8.30!

Yep.

DP works 40 hours a week, I work 34 hours a week. DD (13 months) has mostly good nights now (this is a recent thing, we used to have multiple wakings a night), but occasionally we still get 1am or 3am wakings for over an hour. Also have to do the rocking to sleep business at 7.30 - that often goes on for an hour plus until 9.30/9pm til she settles (so we also have no evenings to speak of a lot of the time). We have zero family support so it really is just a two man team trying to work and run a household on little sleep.

How we cope - honestly I have no idea. We take the night wakings in turns when they happen and just try to muddle through as a team. I have also slightly dropped my hours and work longer on other days to get a day off per week. It's not much but it helps knowing I have that one day where I don't even need to get dressed if I can't face it.

When she does wake for an hour plus in the night we do try bringing her into bed with us but she does the same as your DS - crawls around or hits us in the face giggling her head off. Just what you need at 3am. 😩

I had a meeting at work a couple weeks ago and I was SO exhausted from a bad night with DD that I came out of it knowing full well I wouldn't recall the content of the discussion the next day. I still have no idea what was discussed in that meeting. At times, at its worst, I've hallucinated from shit sleep.

I don't have much advice, just solidarity. We are thankful to have good nights mixed in with bad now. Sending and hope you get some sleep soon!

Today is a bad day, so my answer is that we don't really cope - I did the nursery run this morning and left the door wide open.

On a good day, I'd tell you that I'm a few years in now and on my second poor sleeper and you do just kind of get used to it. I'm very much treading water at work and resigned to just keeping afloat through these years and hoping to get my mojo back when they're older.

I'm not a sleep training fan as such, but do what you can to encourage good habits around sleep. If you can ditch the rocking at bedtime, he'll probably get better at going back over during the night. I'm not saying to just stop rocking - he's a baby and he wants cuddles and that's fine (even when it's awful), but keep an eye out for signs that he'll settle in the cot while you rub his tummy, then as you sit by the cot etc etc.

Work out the routine that works for you two to cope. We take the night shifts hour about, some prefer to alternate nights, some do a lie in each at the weekend. Whatever works for your family at a given moment in time.

The night shifts must be awful, make sure that you're getting enough daytime sleep to catch up.

Pay for anything you can to help, especially childcare and cleaning.

Prioritising a proper hour off in the evening with no laundry folding, admin etc helps me decompress.

Keep telling yourself it will pass.

It is just really hard.
I don’t think waking twice is bad at all for a baby less than a year but is he hard to settle each time?
DD still wakes early but as she got older she’d keep herself more entertained for a while before shouting for us…. playing with teddies in bed and singing to herself.
DS thankfully likes to sleep later which is pure luck really rather than anything else.

when it was at its hardest we co-slept so they could feed without as much disturbance.

I took a couple of days off sick when it was really bad and slept while they were at nursery. If wfh I napped in my lunch break (set an alarm!!). And I frequently went to bed early so if sleep was badly broken at least there was more of it.

It’s really hard. I coslept which helped and lowered my standards in the rest of my life! They do sleep better the older they get.

Yes, I remember this well. My DD had periods of sleeping terribly. She would regularly be up for hours in the night between 18months and 2 years old. I remember once she was up 1 until 6am and I just had an hours sleep either side of that. I was totally zombified, I did 4 full days and I have a 60 mile round commute too.
To be honest, I didn't quit my job and didn't consider it. I got through with coffee, occasional tears and knowing it will pass. I also spoke to my boss who was sympathetic as he had young children too.
I really feel for you, it's horrible when you are so busy and your brain is mush from lack of sleep. I made a few mistakes but nothing too bad. Some days will be better than others.
Night shifts must be tough for you. Is there any way to rearrange these shifts?
This too will pass, though. Try and maximise sleep as much as possible. Go to bed when DD does. Try and get a cleaner or shopping delivered to save you time. Can you talk to your management and let them know the situation? Know this might not be possible but if you have a good relationship with them, they will understand. Little things help, like a strong cup or two of coffee in the morning and a brisk walk at lunch to reset you when you are feeling tired. I used to listen to calm or headspace app in my car, as I'm too wired to sleep in the day, but it all helped.

It will get easier