AIBU about friendships? (Or AIBChildish)

[Treemouser]

For the last 8/9 years I've been living back in my old university town, and had a healthy group of friends - a mix of old uni friends, new hobby friends and people from work. I'd say there was a regular group of 8 I could reliably meet up with either separately or together. Mutual degrees of inviting.

I am currently 7 months pregnant (so probably pretty hormonal). I have noticed over the last 4/5 months I have been doing all the contacting, and in the last month I felt a bit insecure so I stopped to see if others would contact me.

I've not had one invite in that time, it feels worse as we just had such a sunny weekend, I spent it doing nice things and have a lovely DH but I could hear people laughing with friends in their gardens and felt quite sad.

We're all mid/late 30s, nobody else with children or married but we've always enjoyed the same things. I wondered if it's because I'm pregnant somehow but I still don't understand? Is this it now?

Maybe they were busy? I don't think you should be testing your friends.

May be their lives are also changing it happens. Does your husband go out with you? Are you still doing your hobbies?

Has it really been the same since Covid or are you comparing to 2.5 years ago? I think people have got used to doing less social things than they used to generally.

Did most of your social life revolve around pubs/bars/alcohol? If so they are probably assuming you won't be interested. It's a shame, as plenty of people enjoy an afternoon/evening out without drinking!

I think maybe you're just more sociable than your friends. You mention that you haven't had an invite in one month - that's not a long time at all in the big scheme of things. Everyone has families and other friends and other commitments in addition to socialising with you, and also, most people do like to chill out and spend time alone now and again. It's totally normal to spend a sunny weekend relaxing in the garden with your partner rather than getting together with friends.

I think you just need to relax a bit, stop taking this so personally, and accept that not everyone wants to spend every weekend with friends. Maybe you're just feeling a bit over-sensitive at the moment? I don't think your friends have ditched you because of your pregnancy!

I'm wondering if a lot of your socialising has involved alcohol, and now that you are pregnant and then will have a very young baby, they assume you aren't up for that?

Either way I would keep contacting them, if they are saying yes when you suggest meeting up. Otherwise they might be thinking you are cutting them loose and focusing on friends who are having babies too (this is a thing).

Tricky. It does seem like everyone is busier these days.

I have however noticed this to an extent in my own friend group. Most of us are late 30, couples, child free by choice. A few of them are not a fan of being around children/kids in general. I'm friends with everyone but not really one of the core/long-standing members.

Of about 20 of us 2 of the women have had kids.

I have heard conversations where a few others have not wanted to invite them to things because they might want to bring the baby/child. Most of the group have no interest in children.

They have therefore been invited far less. To lunches, beer garden afternoons, bbqs.

One of the women has invited people to things, picnics, bbqs. I've gone - I don't have kids and I'm not particularly interested in them, but I still want to see my friends. I can smile and nod at the kids.

Other friends have declined invites where there will be children.

Thanks everybody for your insights.

While I wouldn't exactly say our friendships revolved around alcohol, we go to 'things', but alcohol is an assumed part usually. It's not like they get wasted but maybe me not drinking makes me outside things a bit.

I'm not sure what will happen once the baby is here. I don't have friends who are pregnant or have young children currently but maybe that's what they expect is happening/will happen. I try not to talk about this stuff with them as I know they're not too interested.

I know people have individually been seeing each other but we've always done things independently as well as a group so I don't think I'm being 'left out' per se.

I guess I'll just be brave and go back to suggesting things, and see what happens!

Worrying to think people will avoid me in future but it's totally fair as our lives are changing. Just makes me a little sad.

I think you're probably taking it too personally. I'm the kind of friend that usually doesn't initiate things, it's nearly always my friends suggesting things and me going along with whatever's being suggested. I love hanging out with my friends and it's certainly not because I don't care to see them, it's just how I am. If any one of my friends didn't contact me for a month, that wouldn't be long enough for me to take the initiative to reach out.

Your friends are probably used to you being the one to suggest things and are waiting on you. Plus knowing that you're pregnant, they might assume you've been busy or too tired so they want to leave it up to you to make plans.

I think this is just part of the ebb and flow of life and although it's hard not to, shouldn't be taken personally.

I also think it's unhealthy for you to lay out tests for your friends to see if they contact you - often there is someone who does more of the contacting so if that's usually you and they don't hear from you they might think you're busy.

You will drift apart from people when you have a baby but that's ok as you'll also meet new people! And just because you do drift doesn't mean it's forever - i have a friend who had children much younger than me and we hardly saw each other for a bit. Now i have a child we have become closer again and it's really nice :)

Honestly just enjoy the next few months, when you have a baby half of them will probably fall off the radar but if you get yourself to baby groups you will naturally plug the gap as life moves on x