Managing contact

[Palletsqueen]

Sorry for the essay, But I’m in desperate need of advice.

After years of being involved in an extremely abusive relationship and fleeing. SS became involved when my ex took me to court for contact. SS came to the conclusion that because I had gone back and forth to an abusive partner, that my DS should foster care because I hadn’t been able to leave the relationship. Although this was extremely traumatic, I was very lucky that my DS and I were allowed to stay together and my mother became his foster carer and my DS knew no different. Whilst his father had to see him in a contact centre, supervised. After 18 months of them waiting for the father to do courses required and make changes, we are still no closer to finding a solution.
His father has no friends or relatives who haven’t either made complaints about his behaviour or taken him to court and proven his guilt of being abusive. The local contact centre is a 45 minute drive with a 9 month waiting list.

Social services want to be able to step away so have offered to do an SGO. My mother having the majority, but my DS would be allowed to live with me and we can move on with our lives. But there is a catch: we have to figure out how contact would look like. (Because they have openly admitted, they can’t think of a solution and claim they have never come across a case in which the abusive father has kept up with contact).

My question’s are: does anyone know what the solution is? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Should an abusive parent have contact if no one can find a suitable supervisor?

Thank you 🙏

This is an important issue to discuss and to get right.
Supervised visitation would require a supervisor, true. Brain storm with people to think of someone who has a work with children card. A local cub leader? A part time teacher? A librarian? Meeting at a public place could be an answer - such as in a library, or meeting in the form of taking the child to weekly sport then Maccas, meeting the child at church, at fishing club etc. Can the father visit the child in your own back yard? You will find a way and hopefully the father will gradually become more trustworthy and skilled up..

It's not up to you to sort this. If he wants contact, and contact must be supervised, HE needs to come up with a plan that is acceptable to the court.

It's not up to us to decide if dad should have contact, what do ss reccomend? There needs to be a plan worked out or you wait the 9 months for contact centre.

This is the area of family law that baffles me the most.

If a woman is so berated for not leaving her partner that she loses her children then why on earth is contact even considered?

He gets none. End of. If he's not safe enough for the children to live with, he's not safe!

I see this so much. It shows the utter ambivalence towards abused women and the lack of consistent support. You MUST leave else we're take your kids away. You left now? Great! You MUST allow your ex to see the children.

To answer your question, OP. An abusive man shouldn't have contact at all, supervised or otherwise.

Am really puzzled by this scenario. Special Guardianship Orders are granted by the court to provide permanence for a child who cannot live with their parents. Also what arrangements are currently in place for supervised contact? As your DS is fostered, albeit with a family member, then surely the local authority have a role in this. Have you had legal advice?

Are you able to get legal advice? The LA is only responsible for facilitating contact while a child is on a care order, but that shouldn't stop a permanent plan being made for the child (in this case, SGO)
We've had cases go to court where we've evidenced all reasonable steps have been taken to find a way to do the contact and there has been none - due to the reasons you say, the parent who requires it has burned all bridges, is too risky/too much for it to be done by those caring for the child, and no services that can be purchased (there really isn't a contact centre on every corner like some mumsnetters seem to assume!)

In these cases we've still applied to court, with all the evidence of what has been tried, and a plan that only indirect (letters/calls) can be managed and that the non resident parent has to keep looking for a suitable person [ie by not being a nightmare to everyone] and that the LA will support with assessing the suitability of who they put forward in future, if the family wish us to.

A child being fostered is a big deal, the LA share parental responsibility. The ex not having anyone who can help him out shouldn't mean the child has to put up with that situation indefinitely (I know the child might not be aware of the impact but in principle it's important that they don't have to!)

We have been in this situation for over 18 months now, because they haven’t been able to find a way to deal with what contact would look like if my DS were to return to my care (as they decided to put the father on the birth certificate, he would share 50% PR). SS have said that part of the SGO assessment was to decide how contact would be managed. Therefore, she could potentially fail the assessment if that hasn’t been covered.

There seems to be no end to this circle.