To finally stand up to my mum who (I believe) is making a mountain out of her stroke that should be a molehill

[Wills]

For the record my mum has always been ultra needy to the point that when I first met my dh (we’ve been together over 30 years) she informed me it was ‘her or him’. Equally when we moved more than an hours drive away from her she tried to get solicitors involved to put a case together to prevent us moving because ‘we were taking her beloved grandchild away from her’ - not she regularly calls them her grandchildren - rather she refers to them as HER babies! But that’s not the purpose of this thread. It’s only to give you an understanding of quite how under emotional mental strain I am. She’s always been needy but I have endeavoured (despite a few NC times) to keep up a relationship with her. But at the moment I feel like I’m drowning. 10 weeks ago she had a stroke. It appears to have been quite a significant stroke due to an undiagnosed arterial fibrillation that they are now, successfully, controlling.

So here’s the issue. My mum doesn’t believe I’m paying her enough attention. I have a full brother who lives in San Diego (that was his solution to her controlling nature) and OMG there are so many times when I wish I could rely on “Sorry mum can’t get to you” etc. I also have a step brother who lives 90 minutes from her (I live 60 minutes). My DH works abroad the bulk of the year so its up to me to raise our four kids. For some reason I appear to be failing her (yet again and this is such a familiar feeling) because I’m not visiting her daily. If I could ignore her mental pressures then I wouldn’t bother writing, BUT I waste far too much arguing with both and my step father in my bloody head! She’s had a stroke and, rightly so, is extremely scared. But my father-in-law (only 3 years older than her) is dying of dementia in the most horrific of circumstances. So my step father regularly calls me/texts me to tell me how stressful his life is. But all he has to do is look after my mum (he’s 10 years her junior but idolises her which, to be blunt, is how she bases her friendships) and I have 4 kids, a husband who works abroad, a business to run and feel like I’m drowning.

I would happily visit my mum once a fortnight, but that’s unacceptable. Equally I’m supposed to, basically, wail. I’ve already been told by my step father (so he wouldn’t tell me something my mother doesn’t fully agree with - my ‘step’ brother and I have already realised that they text us based on supporting the ‘other’ - so I get tonnes of melodramatics texts from my step father, but he gets the same from my mother) that she’s not coping and why aren’t I visiting daily. Every reason for not visiting is questioned! I feel I’m under constant scrutiny. It’s horrible. I get that my mum has had the scare of her life! Totally get that. But it was due to an undiscovered issue that, having been discovered, is now controlled for. Equally recovery from a stroke is long and arduous and I get that too. But at the same time my father in law is dying from the worst form of dementia. Most recently this wonderful, somewhat arrogant, man is now playing with his poo but then realises what he’s done and is in severe stress. He has begged my mother in law (his beloved wife) not to send him to a home which he blatantly needs to be in for her sanity. Yet she stoically ‘soldiers’ on. He no longer remembers his youngest grandchild (my youngest) and can only just about remember the other 3 if you give him prompts. I’m telling you this because 2 weeks ago I was informed by my step father (and therefore this comes from my mother) how disappointed they were MY ‘grand’ children at there lack of FaceTiming and attention. 2 are at uni (one is on an internship abroad and there are simply very cross over times), 1 is going through their GCSEs and incredibly stressed about that and the youngest is simply too young to get the significance of what’s happened.

So am I being unreasonable? Should I run around my mother more?

Meant to also add, that aside from being tired all the time my mum has come through the stroke relatively unscathed. I’m very aware that recovery from a stroke is hard hard work - my frustration is her feeling sorry for herself. I was NEVER allowed to feel sorry for myself - most likely, on reflection, due to her neediness but that’s made me who I am. I don’t ask others for sympathy whilst she needs so much. I’m struggling to provide the sympathy that I was always taught was not needed for myself.

Where does your husband work? Maybe it’s time to relocate there

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.
I get that your Mum is scared, but it seems like she is playing on it and trying to manipulate your emotions so that you do what she wants.

Sorry, love. But I think your Mum sounds like a narcissist.

Imo send her some links to outside bodies who can help her /them. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean you owe her more than you are happy to provide....

I’ve honestly no idea why you kept in touch with her even before her stroke, as she appears to be both unpleasant and completely nuts. You’re doing more than enough and she has a husband who, unlike you, voluntarily decided to be part of her life.

A stroke isn't always as bad as it sounds. My dp had one but with willpower and physio, he's 99% back to normal. It seems to be just her excuse for demanding more from you. She wants you to visit daily, a 60 minute drive? Outrageous! Once a fortnight is quite enough.

You poor thing. That all sounds so stressful. I don't think anything that you chose to do would be unreasonable.

What about setting up a WhatsApp group for your mum, siblings and your step dad. If all communication was through that then might it take the edge of the guilt tripping and demands. You can ask your brother in the USA to help take the heat out the conversation too.

I voted YANBU.

If you need permission to visit 'only' once a fortnight (sounds a lot) you have it from me.

What changes have happened due to the stroke? Which side was it?

If it was right sided, it might be personality changes which may be tricky to live with. So your stepdad may be panicking and struggling. I'd listen and encourage him to see his own GP and be in touch with other family members. Spreading the load is key. See if he's contacted the Stroke Association.

As far as you go... 4 kids, work, a dh working away? I'd agree with prioritising them.

"She’s always been needy but I have endeavoured (despite a few NC times) to keep up a relationship with her."

Serious question. Why are you NOT currently NC with her?

She is the same person that she was before the stroke, you've been NC before so why not now? Because it really sounds as if you need to be. Block your step-father or tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, whichever will get you the quickest respite from his calls. If you live an hour's travel from them you're pretty safe from them turning up at your door, so - why not block them from your phone, your email, everywhere?

Tbh the fact your father in law has dementia is neither her nor there to your mother right now. I know how vile dementia is but you can compare. That's like me thinking that losing an arm is nothing to make a fuss over because some people are dead - it just doesn't work.
I've worked with stroke patients. It's beyond terrifying and humiliating for them, even those with a quick recovery.

Only you know what it is like day to day but tbh I'm not seeing much in your OP apart from your mum is scared and her partner can't cope with what she is putting on him and it's coming out perhaps in completely the wrong way.

Ugh, thank you all for every response. Why am I not NC, I suspect because I’ve been taught, from an early age, to be in the position of guilty. However she can be enormous fun and I wanted my kids (four of them) to have that side of her. Until they turned classic teens that absolutely adored her. Yes she pissed me off and didn’t obey a single rule I laid down, but at the end of day my kids had fun. Weirdly/but somehow rationally my kids also adore their granny (my mil) who did none of the over the top ‘adore me’ things things that my mother did. My mil has steadfastly not spent 100s on their presents, given them over the top chocolate on every visit, yet plays with them/gives up her time constantly and as my kids have turned into young adults they’ve come to realise its not about what a grandparent can pay for but rather the time that they give!

Equally I don’t know why I’m not fully NC. Possibly because I naively believed that I could protect my kids enough that they’d enjoy the good elements of my mum without struggling with the bad sides. If nothing else I do believe that I’ve protected them at least 70%. 2 of them are a little too reactive to my mum’s pressures and I encourage them not to be. Ugh ugh ugh. Looking back at your parenting decisions is soooo hard

She doesn't sound pleasant but I'm not sure what your PIL situation has to do with it? You sound over loaded and therefore are perhaps reacting very strongly to everything that is happening.

Thank you! Yes in many ways I can look back over the last 25 years and wonder why I haven’t remained NC. But that’s not helpful for now.

My FIL is going through hell. Most of the time he’s unaware of what he’s doing but he becomes cogniscent at the worst possible moments and that leads to him being extraordinarily stressed. I feel so sorry for both him and his wife - well actually for my mother in law who is watch her beloved husband slowly become more and more deranged.

If that weren’t the case I would probably have more sympathy for my mum and my stepfather. But being told my kids (their grandkids) were a disappointment because they weren’t contacting their Nana enough was really hard. Truth is that my kids are really upset at what’s happing to their Grandad (FiL). But a few years ago when I tried to explain to my mother (long before a stroke) that I needed to give my in laws some time over Christmas to see their grandkids my mother reacted with ‘fuck them - you need to focus on me”. I’ve since laughed about how much she’s like the Catherine Tate Nan.

Yup, hence my opening up on here. I’m not sure my reactions are the most appropriate. I realise that my mum’s struggling but, as you’ve highlighted, so am I. I’m just struggling to find the sympathy that my mum obviously believes she’s a right to.

Stroke affects everyone differently and it can affect behaviour, making someone aggressive, impulsive and tactless. It can also cause cognitive problems and memory issues. Effects aren't just the obvious one sided paralysis.

www.stroke.org.uk/effects-of-stroke

Is she still under the care of a community stroke team? They are there for family and carers if you have concerns/need support.

Thank you. Will research this

She doesn’t need help but she does want attention. Could you ring/facetime her every few days? Don’t let her dominate the conversation about how hard done to she is. Just keep a light tone and after asking how she is talk about your own news and what the kids are up to. Maybe send her the odd bunch or flowers or even a letter now and then. It may give her something to look forward to. Rise above her demanding behaviour and talk kindly to her and she may start to actually appreciate you. Be firm but nice

I FT every day. I’ve started to notice that if I don’t FT her two days then my step father texts me to check I’m well because “i”ve not contacted my mother”. Hanging my head in shame. I sooo thought I’d managed control but typing on here its so obvious I’ve haven’t. Am off to bed now. Thanks to everyone for their responses and please feel free to keep them coming. But am somewhat ashamed - I need, obviously, to ‘woman’ up.

"But am somewhat ashamed - I need, obviously, to ‘woman’ up."

Please don't feel shame. Obviously you will, because you've "been taught, from an early age, to be in the position of guilty." But you are guilty of nothing, unless having a self-absorbed parent is a crime!

If you have a search for "Fear Obligation Guilt" you'll probably recognise a lot of what comes up. It's what makes it harder for you to 'woman up', because you have been extensively trained from childhood to meet your mother's demands. It's no easy task to rid yourself of that burden.