Body Odour Etiquette

[Summertime2]

Childhood friend of 40 yrs staying with me. We see each other infrequently as she lives on the other side of the world.

She has brought her daughter (19) who has incredibly bad BO. To the point that going into the room they are sharing is just horrible, you can smell it in the car, sitting at the dinner table etc

It's really, really noticeable and she doesn't seem to be showering daily. The rest of my family are noticing and commenting (to me)

I really don't want to upset anyone and it could be so hurtful to mention to her mum.

I'm not sure how she would take it.

Her mum seems oblivious - could she have just got used to it?

We need to spend another 10 days together.

Should I say anything?

I'd have to say something to the mum and I'm very confrontation averse.
You've had some good suggestions of how to phrase it beee but the " this is difficult but I need to ask you..." is the kindest way in

Perspirex roll on from Boots is great when general antiperspirant isn't strong enough (for anyone with teenagers or needing a little extra help! Only need to put it on once every three days, it's amazing stuff for when it's super hot out there! )
If you do manage to get hold of her tops to wash, be subtle but spray white vinegar on the armpits first. That will neutralise any old stink and make the first day she wears it abit more bearable for you.
I think the 'sniffing either your own armpits/your dp/dc and asking where that smell is coming from is the most neutral way to prompt that it's one of you (her!)... I'd get one if my dc in on it beforehand as a big hint hint so they know to play along and not be offended 😅

Keep quiet and let it go. Don't come between your friend and her child. Let it go. Is it annoying? Hell, yes! Are you right to think sth should be done about it? Heck, yes, but not by you. If it really stinks that much the mother knows and her DD knows too. Just let it go. If you value the friendship, just wash everything when they are gone and don't invite them again to stay at your place for so long or don't invite the kid at all. If you and the people in your house know, then the girl knows and the mother knows too.
You said the DD isn't showering so maybe there's a mental issue there? Don't go thinking you can fix it...!
If you can't live with it, then bring it up "indirectly" because surely they feel bad as it is, so either the mom will come clean and tell you what's wrong or the DD will get the hint. Give you friend towels and tell her where she can leave them "after" they've been used, plug airfreshner, open the windows... use your imagination but don't bring it up directly because THEY KNOW, so there's no need for you to tell them, because the girl would just feel humiliated and so would your dear friend.

Dont say a word. Just let it go over your head. It’s kinder I think. She is maybe aware of it. Surly she is!? Teenagers are smelly. If I were you, just try and ignore it. Don’t let it ruin the friendship.

Could you play it off as you? As in... "Gosh, it's warm, I feel like I absolutely stink. I can't wait to have a good shower and get out of these clothes"

Or just have a sniff of yourself and comment about needing better deodorant in this weather. See if she gets the hint?

Could well be a sensory issue. Don't go in too heavy handed op, could be really upsetting for mum and daughter.

I do appreciate that it must be difficult for you and your family though. 😕

"Oh wow! Isn't it boiling today? Gosh, do I stink! We all stink! hahahha! Guess summer's early! Why don't you go and have an shower to change into nice clean clothes and I'll follow suit? Here, let me give you a nice fluffy towel."

You say she isn't showering daily, but is she showering at all? It's just that BO that is bad as you say is usually a medical issue, isn't it? A bacterial infection of the skin. The showering may not be relevant particularly. It might be an idea to bring it up with the mother. That you've noticed there is a smell around her daughter that may indicate an infection, and that it might be worth a GP appointment. It must be awful for the daughter to have people noticing that about her. It might be fixable.

I don’t think there is any nice way of putting it, so I wouldn’t be saying anything, too awkward for all concerned. Can’t see if ruining your bedding or furniture, surely they can just be washed or febreezed.

You could try spaying her with air freshener. My mum did that to my stinky boyfriend once.

Thanks for all your replies. She did shower this evening after I mentioned a couple of times there was time for a shower before dinner.

I think I'm inclined not to mention it. They interact with plenty of family, the DD has a college roommate - I'm sure it can't have gone unnoticed so probably not my job to draw attention and potentially cause massive hurt feelings. Plus my friend has had a truly hard couple of years and I don't think needs anything else to worry about or feel judged for.

You could do it as a group.

‘oof, you teens pong. Hormones are a pita. Showers all round befire bed, please, it’s only polite. Shall we have chips or curry Friday?’

tip yours off first, if you like. But I have said similar to teens I know. They mostly shrug it off the same way they shrug of forgetting their keys and losing sports kit as teen-brain. Just be matter of fact about it, no blame, no pussyfooting around.

OP I think you've chosen the wisest path and it sorted itself out in the end. The girl's young and I don't think she'd ever forget sb telling her she stinks (teenagers... I'm betting the mom had been nagging her about it too and she was mortified). You are a very good friend indeed!

Most people don’t stink to high heaven after a couple of missed showers here and there - not to the point where they stink out a whole room, especially if they’re still using deodorant. There’s definitely something else going on than skipping a shower or two, although god only knows what. She can’t be using deodorant, can she? How can her mum not notice?

Also, she’s not a kid. She’s a grown woman. She must have friends, surely? Does she work? Is she at uni?!

I think if the smell comes back then it’s your duty as a good friend to kindly talk to her mum. If she has a sensory /ASD /endocrine disorder/ medical condition /side FX to some meds then you can be sympathetic & supportive. If it’s something mum is burying her own head in sand about because it can’t have gone unnoticed by her (or they are both nose blind) then this will be an intervention that could save her DD from future embarrassment & exclusion by others, which is not a good thing. Or help detect an underlying medical condition.

Not easy but whatever you do make sure your friend doesn’t say you were the one to notice - this will make DD paranoid & really uncomfortable. Mum could maybe say she’s just noticed more since being out of their house & somewhere new - more noticeable than she realised.

Tricky for you though for sure.

OP I would say something kindly or it will be awful. My sister's friend who lives near to me (she lives abroad) came to us for Christmas with my sister who had just had COVID and couldn't smell. Her friend smelt of sweaty genitals and armpits it was 😖. I have said she can't come next year unless she has a wash, my sister is going to have a word.

It's not being rude it's being factual.

Oh ffs give over! There are lots of things that are factual but can still be rude if pointed out.
OP might hurt or embarrass her friend, especially if she's gone nose blind.

I would bring it up with her delicately OP.

I think you took the right approach, OP

This

You sound really nice OP.
sounds like the problem is resolved for the moment.

Im not sure how I would handle this because the kind thing to do is ignore it. But I have such a strong sense of smell I would feel physically sick with this and it would ruin my holiday.

You could just say, when they get back;
"Is it just me or do you smell terrible since you got back, you poor thing?" Perhaps you have a fungus from your travels. Offer to take her to your Dr. It is the kind thing to do.
Your story reminds me of something funny my brother said:
Old Chinese proverb says, "After three days, all guests smell."

My DB stank for years. He would shower every 3/4 days but really had no idea how to clean himself properly. He refused to wear deodorant and said idiotic things like "only vapid people care if you smell like aftershave". My DM would do all his washing and iron fresh shirts but he was dirty so he smelled. Friends politely brought it up over the years and I had a very strong discussion a few times but he did not believe me, thought I was winding him up. People skirted around it and probably avoided him a lot. This went on in to his 30s and he started to suffer from a number of health conditions related to poor hygiene (multiple skin infections).

A few years ago he made a new friend who was not from the UK and didn't have our awkwardness. After a few weeks he sat him down and said "You are undisciplined and not taking care of your body. You need to wake up 40 minutes earlier and exercise then shower properly, using shower gel and shampoo. You need to eat more vegetables and look after yourself". It was honestly life changing. He's not perfect and can slip back into poor habits at times bit 95% of the time he is presentable and clean and with his teeth brushed which is night and day from before. They are still very close friends and he was a groomsman in his wedding.

So now if the same happened with my DS or someone I loved I would approach it incredibly different, it does them no favours to pussyfoot around it. My DM and Df made excuses for him for years and had gone noseblind. Having been through this experience I genuinely think it is not the kind thing to do to keep quiet.

I absolutely would have to say something but I am quite blunt. I understand however quite a few people aren't. BO is just a smell that is gross and who wants the air in their own home smelling like rotten onions. Sorry even if its a medical issue or just a high level of slaterny surely a quick pit wash and some decent deodorant is better than nothing. It's gross op . I imagine her oral hygiene is disgusting not to mention the other more intimate area's. The smell will cling to every surface.

I’d buy her a small basket of travel toiletries with a deodorant in it.

I’d personally come at it from a place of concern. I’d ask your very old friend if her daughter is ok. It seems like either a mental health, physical health or sensory issue. I’d ask your friend if there’s anything you can do to make it easier for her daughter to clean herself. Maybe it’s your shower/bathroom? Does it lock properly? I remember as a teen being terrified of being walked in on in “strange” houses.