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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he can't be that into me..

30 replies

bleughatlife · 22/05/2022 17:01

I have been with my partner for 18 months and we overall have a really good relationship. I was single for many years before him and it took a while for me to open up and trust and be sexual with anyone new. We are very alike we have similar goals and our lives just entwined well.

We went through a rough patch about 6 months ago where my sex drive went we had issues because I felt that he wasn’t contributing enough financially and it out me off him a bit. Around around this time I had this nagging feeling and I went through his phone and I saw that he had messaged a girl that he used to see, he told her she looked beautiful and that he missed her a lot. I confronted him and he said he just wanted attention and to feel wanted and I wasn’t giving that. He blocked her and we worked through our issues although I wasn’t able to fully let go as I felt violated and did bring her up a few times but overall we got through it and worked though our issues. Our sex life returned to great and all feels good!

Something makes me check him phone, I don’t know why, but I did it…..she was unblocked and had one convo where she just said she’s there if he needs to talk and he said thanks, end of. I was ok with that, he’s out it to rest but it wanted to be disrespectful and ghost her when she hadn’t done anything wrong.

I looked at the next chat down and it’s an old number where he has sent many old sex videos with exes and photos, like a bath pic of one girl covering her private areas.

I confronted him and he was apologetic and said it’s what guys do and it doesn’t mean anything, he’s happy with me and wants to build a future with me. He said I was very intrusive and would I like it if he went through my diary - which yes I agree it’s intrusive but maybe my intuition was picking up on something?

He said he’s deleted them and he’s sorry and I am more than enough for him but I just can’t let it go. I’m glad I saw it as it’s a reminder that I can’t be deluded into thinking I can fully trust a man. I thought I could understand and accept that he’s not perfect and now he’s deleted them we can move on, because he is great in almost every other sense, but I can’t stop thinking that he’s not getting everything he needs from me.

I can’t discuss this with anyone in real life so I’m putting it here.

Can he be truly into me if he’s having to keep old sex videos and photos of exes? Is this normal and akin to porn?

OP posts:
orwellwasright · 22/05/2022 17:03

It isn't 'what guys do' and I'd have dumped him the first time he whined that you weren't paying him enough attention.

Ponoka7 · 22/05/2022 17:20

You should have ended it after the first incident. It's only going to get worse. He felt entitled to message someone else because he claimed that he wasn't getting enough attention. He'll eventually feel entitled to cheat and in his head, it'll be your fault.

Aprilx · 22/05/2022 17:31

No he’s not into you enough. I find going through a “rough patch” at 12 months a bit strange, I would have thought that was the time to realise it wasn’t working and call it quits rather than push through.

billy1966 · 22/05/2022 17:37

Ponoka7 · 22/05/2022 17:20

You should have ended it after the first incident. It's only going to get worse. He felt entitled to message someone else because he claimed that he wasn't getting enough attention. He'll eventually feel entitled to cheat and in his head, it'll be your fault.

This.

No he isn't that into you and it most certainly isn't what most men do.

He is completely untrustworthy and you will bitterly regret not listening to your gut and dumping him.

KettrickenSmiled · 22/05/2022 17:42

I've been seeing a guy for 18 months now, but he doesn't pull his weight financially.
This gave me some reservations & our sex life went off a bit as a result 6 months ago.
I then found out he was chatting up OW online, but when I confronted him, he explained it was my fault for failing to provide him with the frequency of sex I ought to.
I accepted that, he told me he was blocking her, & our sex life got back on track.
Still not sure about the finances though, as this spat seemed to make his unequal contribution less important than our sex life, but ...
Just recently, I found out he has unblocked her & is messaging her again, & also keeps sex vids of exes on his phone.
This time, he explained that I am being very silly, because this is what men do. Obviously he is the authority on all male behaviour, so I accepted that.
I also accepted his word that he's deleted them all now, & obviously he is telling the truth about that because ... erm ... he lied about it last time?
I'm now blaming myself for his sleazy fuckerdom because obviously it's my fault for not giving him what he needs.
What he needs is instant access to sex objects - but I want to be his g/f, not his porn fantasy. And I don't want him chatting up randoms or perving over exes online, but he makes me feel bad for "spying" on him, so it's probably all my fault, just like he says.
Also ... I've forgotten everything I was concerned about regardiing his refusal to split finances fairly, because him telling me that I'm not allowed to feel my feelings or voice displeasure has made me feel so confused I may be going mad.
Should I just squash my feelings down, because his penis "needs" are much more important?

Is this about it OP?
He is a patronising, cocklodging, cheating oaf.
Ditch him. There are MUCH nicer guys out there than this.

Fimofriend · 22/05/2022 17:43

He is not into you. You deserve better. Dump him. Relationships are not supposed to be hard work and you shouldn't have to beg him not to be a wanker

ButtockUp · 22/05/2022 17:46

The very fact that you felt the need to check his phone says a lot about your relationship already.

BraveryBot9to5 · 22/05/2022 17:50

I completely agree with @KettrickenSmiled interpretation of events, i would just add gaslighter to her list.
You cant push water uphill op

seensome · 22/05/2022 17:52

You know he's not to be trusted, stop hoping for a better outcome, he's a cheat, a player than isn't into anyone for that long.

Merryclaire · 22/05/2022 17:58

Sorry to say, but he does sound likely to cheat on you at some point. Also a bit crap that he wasn’t contributing financially.

Tandora · 22/05/2022 18:01

Stop going through his phone. That’s a total violation of his privacy. YABU.

andtheycalledthewindmoriah · 22/05/2022 18:14

This will save you a lot of time

If you think he's not into you

He isn't.

FlippityFlapperty · 22/05/2022 20:22

He’s disgusting. Get rid of him. Do his exes know he’s circulating sex videos and pictures of them or is it without their consent? Who is he sending them to? Why does he even have them? Not a chance I’d have a relationship with a man like this, so stop doubting yourself and get rid of him. He’s got no morals, respect for you or loyalty.

Finalcountdowntoourtripaway · 22/05/2022 20:26

He is a waste of space op..
Ltb.

AtrociousCircumstance · 22/05/2022 20:27

He’s a substandard lying loser. Get rid of him.

ChatterMonkey · 22/05/2022 20:33

Having a rough patch when you had only been together a year should have been a warning sign. At that point you should just be coming out of honeymoon phase of new relationship and settling into your 'normal' , so you learned that his expectation of normal relationship is shit different to yours so should have called it quits there.

RampantIvy · 22/05/2022 20:34

and said it’s what guys do and it doesn’t mean anything

No, it isn't what nice guys do. It is what arseholes do.

Are you the gaslighting soon to be ex BF @Tandora?

ElspethBoomingHowsen · 22/05/2022 20:40

I’m pretty sure this is my ex also…

ElenaSt · 22/05/2022 20:43

He is a prize chump.

You deserve much better than him.

Please don't waste your time with him.

Tandora · 22/05/2022 20:44

RampantIvy · 22/05/2022 20:34

and said it’s what guys do and it doesn’t mean anything

No, it isn't what nice guys do. It is what arseholes do.

Are you the gaslighting soon to be ex BF @Tandora?

No. Do you think it’s ok to go through someone else’s phone and read their private messages?

Almost all men watch porn. It doesn’t mean you aren’t enough OP. It’s a bit gross that it’s videos of his exes because I’m not sure how his exes would feel about that, but I’m sure it’s pretty common behaviour tbh.

RampantIvy · 22/05/2022 20:53

Please stop making excuses for this arsehole @Tandora.

No, I don't go through DH's phone because I trust him.

TrufflesForBreakfast · 22/05/2022 20:57

His behaviour is totally unacceptable and dodgy as fuck, op.

Iamnotamermaid · 22/05/2022 21:04

Small point but where he has sent many old sex videos with exes and photos, like a bath pic of one girl covering her private areas.

So is he sending these photos & videos to presumably third parties with the consent of the ex girlfriends? If not this is illegal. Confused

Minoloso · 22/05/2022 21:04

Agree that you should have ended it after the first dodgy event. My ex was like this, including sex pics & videos etc. He was a major player disguising himself as a decent guy. I too looked at his phone and I don’t blame you for doing it. I’ve never done this before or since but something about him was ‘off’. You’ll never lose that feeling with him OP. Get rid & find a decent guy with integrity. This guy is bad news and they NEVER change.

Minoloso · 22/05/2022 21:06

Also, it’s not that he’s not that into you - it’s that he’ll never be that into anyone except himself and his seedy exploits.