AIBU to miss my pre child life

Clumsyandshy · 2022-05-21T18:57:45+00:00

I have the gorgeous 18 month old DS I've always wanted. I've been feeling lately though that I really miss that ability to just do whatever I like whenever I like. I was never one for going out a lot before DS but recently I've been craving a night at the pub, a bit of time to read or the freedom to go out for the day without worrying about nap times. It probably all sounds very selfish but the predictability of every day life is leaving me feeling quite empty. What I really wanted to ask is do any of you ever feel like this? How do you snap out of it? Do you feel there are ways of bringing excitement into your life while also including your children?

Bringonsummer19 · 21/05/2022 20:01

I think it’s important to not try and compare your pre life. The two are totally different, you will find pros and bond in both lives.

18 months is hard going, when they hit 3 theyvgrt so much better.

orwellwasright · 21/05/2022 20:03

The first few years are intense.

But your pup's 18 months now. What's stopping you having a night out in the pub or a few hours to read?

Hdocheub820 · 21/05/2022 20:07

I think once you get past 2+ it can get easier and more freedom. Although I've just got to that and now have a newborn in the mix so back at the start 🤣 I do sometimes think about how nice it would be to just have a nice dinner and cocktails out with my friends but I know that in the not too distant future I will be able to do that again.
Do you have a partner? Could you plan a pub evening with a friend - always good to have something to look forward to.

CatSeany · 21/05/2022 20:20

I don't think so... I have two children and I haven't had a full day of just 'doing what I want' for 2.5 years. It's tough! But we don't have family childcare, and I just don't feel comfortable leaving my kids with someone they've not met (my oldest goes to nursery but my youngest is too young). My kids are worth it, but I have days where I definitely miss the freedom that I had before they arrived. Absolutely craving a full weekend where I can just do as I please to get it out of my system!

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2022 20:23

I leave then with DH and do it 😂😂😂

Seriously. If you're not a single parent then if you need space, get it

Mrpunchisagit · 21/05/2022 20:23

Why can’t you do these things? Are you a single parent who can’t afford a babysitter or nursery? Do you work? At 18 months, you should be able to do these things unless as said a single parent with no childcare? Even then though you can generally read for a few hours when they go to bed in the evening.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2022 20:27

CatSeany · 21/05/2022 20:20

I don't think so... I have two children and I haven't had a full day of just 'doing what I want' for 2.5 years. It's tough! But we don't have family childcare, and I just don't feel comfortable leaving my kids with someone they've not met (my oldest goes to nursery but my youngest is too young). My kids are worth it, but I have days where I definitely miss the freedom that I had before they arrived. Absolutely craving a full weekend where I can just do as I please to get it out of my system!

Not sure how old the baby is but surely that is what their Dad is for?

Original poster

Clumsyandshy · 21/05/2022 20:33

I don't have a lot of friends really. It's more for me and my partner. We rely on nursery 4 days a week and a parent for 1 day. The childcare costs cripple us a bit and I feel I can't rely on the parent for the generous amount of childcare they already provide.

You're not wrong though, I suppose I could give the chores a bit of a rest sometimes and make time for things like reading.

OP posts:

Mrpunchisagit · 21/05/2022 20:36

Clumsyandshy · 21/05/2022 20:33

I don't have a lot of friends really. It's more for me and my partner. We rely on nursery 4 days a week and a parent for 1 day. The childcare costs cripple us a bit and I feel I can't rely on the parent for the generous amount of childcare they already provide.

You're not wrong though, I suppose I could give the chores a bit of a rest sometimes and make time for things like reading.

Of course you could and you can each leave the child with the other and go out for the day, or you can take a day off work and go out. You can save up and hire a baby sitter, or you can take it in turns to go out with a friend for the night in the pub.

Theres no reason you can’t do any of the things you wish to do.you are simply choosing not to do them,

oioimatey · 21/05/2022 20:40

Sounds like you and your DP need a good night out. I know you rely on a grandparent for support, but it might not be so bad to ask them for a couple of hours in the evening, too.

I went to the pub in the evening with DH for the first time in 2.5 years for one pint the other week... It was amazing! x

catandcoffee · 21/05/2022 20:44

I once heard a saying,
children are like a Prison. I did think it has some truth to it.

mynameiscalypso · 21/05/2022 20:45

There is some good and practical advice on this thread but I have a 2.5 year old and for me the issue is more that I don't have the freedom to do things I used to do. I can't just go to the pub after work for a drink without checking that my DH can pick up DS from nursery and sort him out. And clearly he can (and does) but it's just an extra layer of hassle that I never used to think about. Clearly there are ways to do things that I'm missing but it's never quite the same when you have to organise it all.

Vikinga · 21/05/2022 20:45

You're at the relentless stage but it doesn't last. I'm drinking chamomile tea whilst all 4 of mine are out! 2 at sleepovers, 1 an adult with his girlfriend and even my 11 year old is out with friends.

Try and enjoy it and you don't need to live in a show home. If you can't get babysitters, do fun things with your husband at home - not just watch tv and bed. Do games, cook thai together, invite friends over, have a bbq etc. Take your child to the pub with you - especially if you have friends with kids. Go and visit friends and stay over. Go on mini breaks. All can be done with a child, especially a young one.

DisgruntledPelican · 21/05/2022 20:49

I miss reading the most, I think. Pre-children, I had a lot of hobbies, and now I still manage to do some of them but not everything, of course. Prioritising is a bitch and I quite often wish I’d chosen to spend my evening doing another type of pursuit!

but yes, leave the chores when you do have downtime. Relaxing is important too.

Sceptre86 · 21/05/2022 20:52

I don't feel this way tbh and I have 3 but I work part time. I think it's because my dh is an equal partner so I do get time in the evening to myself and I'm not rigid with things like napping at home. I've always just taken them wherever I've needed to go and they will nap wherever (appreciate all kids aren't like that). Now with my 3rd I just bundle her up and do pick ups and drop offs so she has to nap in her pram or sling. I've found with mine that I would be better going out for half the day so morning or evening, not all day as they would then be crabby and I wouldn't enjoy it. We don't have any family help and work it out between us.

Is there a reason why you can't go out once your oh is home and toddler is in bed or leave them to put toddler in bed? Maybe work on your routine so that you can fit time in for yourself. It is hard when they are so young and you're working full time. Just sounds like you've got yourself into a bit of a rut.

catsnore · 21/05/2022 21:06

I think you have to timetable it - not very spontaneous I know! Make time for whatever it is, plan it in, ask someone to watch your kid. You have school to look forward to as well 😊 - free childcare 😂

Mrpunchisagit · 21/05/2022 21:15

I’d also add you can take your kid to the pub op, have a couple of drinks early evening, in a nice bar, many places even have kid areas in the beer garden, just pick one child friendly. you can have your husband take care of the child and you go out with a friend or go wandering round the shops. You can read of an evening when they sleep.

at 18 months I was doing pretty much what I did pre baby, we still saw our friends individually, when we went out together we took her with us, so she was used to it from being a baby. Of course everything needs a little more planning, and you also do kiddie stuff, but life with a child should not be some form of hard Labour or drudgery.

try not to be so regimented, nap times don’t need To be some holy grail,, if they are tired they will sleep. You don’t need to live your life round it.

ChagSameachDoreen · 21/05/2022 21:40

These thoughts plagued me on and off for the first year of my daughter's life. It was so bad that I attribute it to a sort of PND. I yearned for the life I had when I was single and living abroad. I physically ached for it.

It passed. Eventually.

Sandunesandseashells · 22/05/2022 10:30

OMG Yes. I partied hard for 20 years, from 18 to 38, when I convinced myself I was ‘ready’. Readers, I wasn’t ready! My son is now 23 and I still grieve for those lost years of my life when I became known as ‘his mum’ rather than by my name. Curtailed by ‘mum stuff’ from school pick up until bedtime for 18 years; people do less time for murder! Sitting bored at school dinner dances with naff bands wishing I was 150 miles away in a London club. (I make it sound terrible but I embraced motherhood fully).
No more skiing or riding, never mind the clubbing, all night parties, dinners, Ibiza long weekenders. Too old now for all that of course so with my empty nest freedom I’m now thinking about cruises, arty city tours and such but have so far been nobbled by lock downs and wars. In today’s world I’m so grateful for the past experiences and fun memories.