To think that this is fair?

[squashedalmondcroissant]

I know that this has been done to death but I read another article today relating to 'common law spouse' stuff.

Essentially, this woman's long term partner died suddenly in his late 40's and she was upset that she's lost approximately £45,000 in bereavement benefits in the intervening years because they weren't married.

Obviously I have sympathy for her, it must be awful to lose your partner (which whom she had a young child) but she is starting a petition to say that the rules should be changed because she and her partner were 'living as husband and wife' and so she should therefore have the same rights/get the same benefits.

I disagree. The simple solution to these things is to get married! It can be cheaply and simply done if the legal and financial protection is what you want. If you don't get married then therefore you don't get the benefits. Otherwise, where do you draw the line? Do you qualify if you have been together over 5yrs but don't live together? What about if you've only been together 2yrs but have a child together? How do you determine who qualifies and who doesn't?!

Or a civil partnership - which was brought in to remove the religious connotations for a wedding

You cant bring in anything automatic because where do you draw the line

My head is in the sand here.
I am not married to my DH who is actually just my partner of 30 years. I always refer to him as my DH but you are right. We’re both screwed if either one of us dies.
We have grown up children. I really don’t want to marry him. The thought of standing in front of someone declaring my undying love would be a lie. We live alongside each other & share everything (money, house etc). We’re both happy with that.
I wish it was as simple as ‘just signing a piece of paper’. I’d do that.

If you do a registry office alone, can you not amend the vows? Two randomers as witnesses etc. My Mom did the secret marriage thing it only came out a few years later when he died. At least she has some financial protection

Agree it needs to be marriage or nothing, how else do you "prove" you haven't been with Dave down the road for thirty years otherwise? It would be massively open to abuse.

Have a look at civil partnership @ICannotRememberAThing it kind of is as simple as signing a piece of paper - you register and sign a Civil Partnership Schedule in the presence of two people - there needs to be nothing else at all.

There are no vows though so no declaring love.

Good Morning / Afternoon and welcome to for the Civil Partnership of
_ and
By signing a Civil Partnership Schedule today and will
be forming a legally binding Civil Partnership with each other
Partner 1 to repeat
I declare that I know of no legal reason why we may not register as partners. I understand that on
signing this document we will be forming a civil partnership with each other.
Partner 2 to repeat
I declare that I know of no legal reason why we may not register as partners. I understand that on
signing this document we will be forming a civil partnership with each other.
Couple sign the schedule in front of their witnesses
and have now signed the Civil Partnership Schedule
and it gives me the greatest pleasure to declare you both legally civil partners. Congratulations

Is all that you have to say. No mention of love at all. I recommend you both look into it as it would then give you all the rights you need

Civil partnerships don’t have vows about undying love.

Yes exactly, a civil partnership can be done and you have the same rights as marriage without the religious connotations.

Reading this makes me realise what needs to be done is promote exactly what a civil partnership is and how it works.

YANBU. There's often good reason one or both partners don't want to marry. If people are bothered, get married. If their partner won't then leave before you have DC. I don't have much sympathy I'm afraid because the law is clear.

If my DH died I'd be left very well provided for, I would only want this to go to my children. If common law marriage was a thing that would mean I'd never be able to live with anyone again.

I completely agree, OP. If you want the status of a spouse or civil partner then you know what to do.

However... 'bereavement benefits of £45k'. What do these refer to? That's not a state benefit. Who was providing these?

I disagree, I think life is different now, relationships and how we cohabit have changed significantly and the law needs to adapt. I don't know what this might look like but it isn't fair that she missed out on death benefits when she has been a partner for a significant amount of years and has children.

There are some differences although they're probably moot for most couples.

You can't tick the 'married' box on official forms if you're in a civil partnership. Might be important to some people, might not.

Adultery is not a valid reason for dissolving a civil partnership.

It's completely fair. She should have married if she wanted the rights that come with it.

People who don't want to be bound by legal constraints shouldn't have them imposed by stealth.

YANBU at all. Marriage is an active choice to legally tie your finances together. A wedding can be romantic. Marriage really isn’t. If you don’t make that choice to legally tie yourselves together is such a way then of course finances should remain separate in such cases. It’s the choice they made.

I completely agree, OP. If you want the status of a spouse or civil partner then you know what to do.

^i agree

Marriage/civil partnership... active declaration you wish to legally be considered as a couple

Not getting married/civil partnership.either a) apathy, or b) an active choice to be considered legally single. There is no way of telling which is meant..

There needs to be education into the differences between marriage/cp and simply cohabiting. Especially when children are involved.

I agree and that a marriage isnt just a wedding. That you can indeed be married without a song and a dance - and if you simply want to sign then a civil partnership.

These rights cannot be given though without IMO an affirmation that is what you want - you need to actively consent to it rather than it simply being something that happens to you

@orwellwasright I think it was/is a state benefit - it used to be 'widow's allowance' or something like that but they've changed the name to something like 'bereavement support payments'. The 45k is over a long period of about 8yrs. Works out to just over £100 a week.

I do think it's sad that she and her child have lost out on that money which could have gone some way to supporting the family, but her partner was the wage earner and she didn't work. Women in this position are always vulnerable, even more so if unmarried. This is well known!

I agree, some people want to live together without anything legally binding them. One of my grandparents lived with a 'partner' for over 20 years but always deliberately kept finances separate as they each wanted it that way. They should have the right to live that way if they want to, just as this couple should have married if they wanted to be legally bound for financial purposes.

I agree OP.
People have a choice. If they want the protections and restrictions that come with marriage then get married.
Otherwise don't complain when you're not eligible for those protections.

I think it was/is a state benefit - it used to be 'widow's allowance' or something like that but they've changed the name to something like 'bereavement support payments'. The 45k is over a long period of about 8yrs. Works out to just over £100 a week.

So you get bereavement support payment now.

Full rate is £3,500 lump sum then £350 per month for 18 months.

I think the support used to be for much longer but that's the current government benefit.

Obviously not to be sniffed at but not £45k. I was just a bit concerned I'd missed out when my husband dropped dead but I've just checked and I got all I was due 😃

The main reason that dh and I got married after over 30 years together was for legal and financial protection.

The people complaining they don't have the protection of marriage (because they're not married) would no doubt also complain if they wanted to exit their relationships with financial impunity and found they couldn't 😄

Be free or don't be free. Both have their pros and cons.

We definitely need better education though so that people make informed choices. So many of my friends still say 'but we're common law spouses' despite there being no such thing.

It’s fair, it’s not like she couldn’t marry or enter into a civil partnership. She chose not to. Choices have consequences. If you marry/do a civil partnership you can’t just break up and owe your ex nothing like you can with cohabiting. She wants none of the risk but all of the reward.

The rules for Bereavement support payments are changing in the near future I think. If you have been living together long term and have children together you will be able to claim Bereavement support payments. they are no-where near as generous as widowed parents allowance was though - that used to be paid potentially for years on end until the youngest child left education. Bereavement support payment nowadays consists of a 3.5k lump sum then 18 months of payments of £350 per month if you have kids. It's even less generous if no kids.

I’m with you, OP.

Although I think the woman you describe is way off about the £45k.