To ask about raising three children?

[user1485182339]

I have three children all under ten. I've always been told it will get easier as they grow up, but I'm pretty sure by now that this is a lie. It hasn't been fun so far and it doesn't look like it will ever get better. I need advice on how to parent three with the skills I have at my disposal, which is basically how to raise an only-child. Everything here is chaos. All the time! How do I make it less so? How do I get them to fight less? Help more? Choose to learn? Be quiet sometimes? Be safe? Stop wanting what the other has or is doing? And then crying at me. Stop bothering each other? Stop bothering me? How do I reward or reprimand both equally and individually over time considering their personalities, strengths and weaknesses are so different? Without it looking like favouritism or dislike? How do I get through a day without losing my temper? I feel I am teaching them all the wrong things about relationships, and ruining all the good things my parents had time and energy to show me. Is it the same for everyone? Will I ever get to be with them the way I was with my parents, just to enjoy each other as people? Anyone who was raised in three sibling families please, for God's sake please, tell me how to get more pleasantness into the chaos? I expect them to act like only-child children when obviously they can't as they are a sibling group. So what can I do instead? They are happy and engaged persons in general I think but I'm definitely not.

posting this at dinner and bedtime was a bad idea 😕so I will reply later

How old are all your children and what kind of gaps are you dealing with?

Some of this stuff seems a bit confused, which is understandable when you get to this point but I think it's worth unpicking which bits are behavioural, which bits are you struggling to marry real life against a romanticised ideal and which bits is you being a bit anxious and tired.

I'd recommend stepping back from the emotional front line for a couple of days and see what you are actually dealing with and what you are going to work on first.

I have 3 children under ten. All I can say is that it’s not easy and imperfect a lot of the time. Any time when we only have one or two in the house seems like a complete breeze. The dynamic with three is just noisy, boisterous and there are many more opportunities for arguments. There’s a tonne of household stuff and school admin.

but it is also fun and lovely and never boring. We are all much happier with a busy schedule at the weekends. Not just taking them to their things but family outings, preferably with lots of space like walk in the woods, beach, park etc. they do as much sport and activities as we can manage. We try to avoid empty weekends. I try to train them to pick up after themselves, help a bit and be independent which takes time but I think will be worth it.

Also the rewards and reprimands thing - having a system suitable for different ages which doesn’t cause a mutiny - I’ve no idea how to do that!

I've got x4 DC. Had x4 under 5 so every stage very intense. They're teenagers now and (mostly) great.

What worked for us when they were younger was routine. Really strong routine. Everyone knew where they were and when. Also clear rules, enforced consistently.

I have 4 and I’ve not found it gets easier at all, the opposite in fact.

I have 3 (single parent for most of their childhood), and it was hard work. I remember the bickering etc etc. They are now in their twenties and fantastic people. I am posting because I felt like you when they were small because we did get through it. I would agree with routine as someone has said above. And also if possible (and appreciate that this is not possible for everyone) every so often I spent 1:1 time with each of them for a day and sometimes a weekend. I really think this was very valuable for all of us - and helped us to see each other as individuals as well as a group!

I've got 3 under 5 here and I feel your pain. Some days feel like an utter sh1tshow.

I try not to sweat the small stuff and also try to really listen to (and focus on) each of them for at least 1 conversation a day. I use TV tactically - it's never on in the background in our house so it's an excellent distraction/reward when needed.

Reward wise my older 2 have a jar and get glass beads for doing things I want (brushing teeth nicely, good table manners, following instructions quickly etc). The things they can earn beads for are different due to the age difference. They can buy some TV time with their beads or swap 10 beads for a pound and save up for something (trying to introduce this as a concept).

Thank you for the replies so far. We have quite a good routine going and usually stick well to keeping to the rules from our side. I am on call some weekend days so can't always plan trips away, and don't do that much on weekends as we also want to not make everything about doing things with the kids. But maybe we should do that more. I don't have an obvious reward chart or system, so I will try that. I obviously didn't have that as a child and so I think I expect my kids to do without it easily too, but I guess my parents didn't need one for me because their attention was focused only on one child and I maybe would get more order in their behaviour if I organise rewards visually. I am sorry if it was a confusing message. I am definitely confused. Some days I feel like packing up and moving back to a decade ago! Today is one of those days. Everyone else who tries seems to have a handle on their kids. I think of they would just stop bickering it would take 90% of my stress away. Can one stop that? I feel like a fool for thinking I could be a parent. I think you are right in saying it is an idealistic view of how it should be with kids but I can also tell my parents are sometimes shocked at how chaotic it all is here. And that we don't just pull ourselves together. Is that even possible?

Read "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" then read "Siblings without rivalry"

Hi OP,

Your posted really resonated with me; I grew up an an only child and I have three myself. My parents always told me how easy it was, what a straightforward kid I was etc. I have found having three of my own an eye-opener as the household in which I’m parenting is unrecognisable to the one I grew up in. Whilst I love having three, it’s overwhelming sometimes adapting to the noise and general experience of being in a household of five.
The one thing I’ve noticed that is the biggest jump from two to three is how much harder it is to give them individual time and focus. This is something I’m really working on. I’m really mindful of how I treat my much-loved middle child as I can see how attention can be focused on the eldest who is experiencing life stages for the first time which you’ve never parented through and the youngest who needs practical care as he’s only a toddler.
I can’t comment if it gets easier as mine are all under 8, but I’m just finding my groove. I can empathise with how you are feeling. It’s tricky to articulate because I am very grateful for my children, but my goodness it’s a balancing act!

Oh Blondie87, you've said it so much much much better than I did!! I think I keep waiting for it to calm down and become like a similar but somehow "meatier" version of my childhood household, but it just remains chaos. The skills I subconsciously learnt from my parents just don't seem relevant except in situations when I am one on one and these never last long enough to feel as if it made any impact on them or me anyway. I feel as if I'm giving all to try and negotiate the individual attention you mentioned too but just not succeeding. Where do I find that knowledge of it isn't built-in already?

And why are there always things on the floors? I am by no means I super neat person but some days I can hardly walk without falling over toys or books or clothes or sticks or collectibles.

I also have 3 under 9, and it is absolute chaos most of the time. I feel like I’m talking, All. Day. Long. I am constantly pulled three ways (For example, 8yr old in the bath wanting me to sit and tell jokes, 6yr old downstairs crafting wants me to draw a fairy, 3yr old trying to jump in bath with unwilling 8yr old or trying to take glue gun from 6yr old…). DP works 6 day weeks so I’m usually solo parenting during the day.

I am trying hard to choose my battles. Also to let them bicker when they need to (developing problem solving skills right…!). Ive come up with a system where I politely put my palm up to a child who is interrupting another child so they know to stop and wait their turn so I can truly listen to who is speaking (this looks so rude but otherwise they just get louder and louder for my attention and end up fighting). I am lucky to have supportive parents so they take a child for a sleepover once a month or so. I also arrange 1-1 time with each child around once a month (they get to choose what we do).

I feel like a failure every single day but occasionally they all get on, or share beautifully, or I get a teacher tell me how kind and thoughtful my daughter is to her peers, and I think I can’t be doing too bad 😊

I have 3. There's always one that isn't happy, and if I manage to produce a meal that all 3 will actually eat, it's a happy day indeed!

This is all very reassuring to read! For me, the logistics are the trickiest but as all want to do extracurricular. I let them do two each, which is about as much as time and finances will allow. Two was definitely more straightforward but my third is just such a wonderful human I’m glad he came into our lives. The constant demanding nearly sends me over the edge though!

I have four and retrospectively what I wish I’d actually done is had two lots of two rather than three close together and then an extra one at the end with a gap just in case anybody is reading this in anticipation of having lots of children.

as for does it get easier to manage their relationships, no it doesn’t, two of mine are much closer than the other two, the two in the middle basically like each other, sometimes.

however what I would also say is they get along a lot better when you remove me from the mix so I have three of them at university now and they will interact completely independently as suits them and they get along absolutely fine until they all come home at Christmas and I’m there and they’re all competing for attention. That tends to be when the rows happen.

OP I have three - they are 13, 11 and 7 now. I finally feel like we are getting to the point where it is (mostly) fun. They still bicker (a lot) but if it's getting out of hand and they don't stop they get sent to separate rooms to calm down (which has the added bonus of removing their bickering selves from where I am!). They all have regular household jobs to do - the older two are in charge of emptying the dishwasher for example. They get consequences (usually screen time bans as that is the most effective!) for poor behaviour. They spend a lot of time outside in the garden after school when not at clubs - we have invested in trampoline, football goal, badminton, swing ball, archery etc to encourage this... Getting them to burn off steam definitely the way forward. Weekends are a logistical nightmare with activities but it's usually fun. I think getting as much fresh air/exercise as possible, picking your battles, giving them responsibility for things and having consequences for crap behaviour is the way forward. It's so different now from a few years ago when it all felt pretty relentless. They can go to bed later, walk/cycle long distances, be genuinely helpful round the house. And they are FUNNY, we laugh a lot, usually when they're having their tea, and those are the moments that make it all worthwhile. I have definitely changed my expectations - it will always be somewhat chaotic as there are a lot of individuals with opinions in this house, but noise isn't necessarily a bad thing (my mum was constantly shushing us even when we were making happy noise) and I listen carefully to what's happening with my lot before intervening... It sounds like you are doing brilliantly and probably mainly need to find some time to do things just for you/reclaim yourself a bit. That gets easier as they get older too... Hang in there!