Private School Norm?

[Movingmarbles]

We moved our DS to a school in U.K. ( we lived overseas) as he needed a more stable education and our other DCs had less than great experiences in the international setting.
DH stayed working overseas in order to pay for fees and the sacrifice we made has been a long distance family life which sure had challenges during the last few years.
Anyway, the school we chose was great and DS very happy but it gradually seems to be operating this two tier payment system whereby half the DC in his year are on bursaries. Now, I know we are really fortunate to be able to pay for school, however, we pile everything into it and with costs of flights going through the roof as well as everything else, we are starting to struggle. DS has a ‘scholarship’ on merit but no financial benefit whatsoever so AIBU to look at other schools? I know this school is stretched but it just seems so unfair that we are struggling while I watch the school fill their seats with children on bursaries who appear to have far more ability to pay than we do ( their children do talk!). I know I’m in for a roasting for even writing this but I do need some perspective I guess.

Private school alumna here, OP. In the years I attended my (very competitive and expensive) secondary, I witnessed girls die of overdoses, eating disorders and through suicide due to bullying (which the school did nothing to stop). Your “eaten alive” assumption about comprehensive schools is as ridiculous as it is ignorant! And moaning about the cost of flights, when the situation is entirely of your own making, is frankly baffling. YABU!

I'd talk to the school and explain you're struggling, and ask in the first instance if there's anyway you can get reduced fees or funding.

My DD was one of the lucky few who ended up in a private school for sixth form on a scholarship and bursary (all down to her, we weren't sure so she did all the ground work and we just filled in forms). We are very grateful. During her time there, it turns out that families who we knew were far better off than us had partial bursuries or somehow it was worked out that the school supported a talented pupil to stay.

Yes, yes - people with money shouldn't be allowed to have problems, let alone discuss them 🙄

If he has a scholarship then how is it of no financial benefit?
What do you mean the school have declared financial difficulties? They’ve actually told parents that they’re struggling to stay open due to finances?
You know NOTHING about any other families financial situation. If school have looked at it and decided they qualify for a bursary then that none of your business.
Apply for one yourself or, yes, start looking for more affordable options for your child.

The reverse is also true - those quiet sensitive souls whose parents don't have much filthy lucre would be - to use your delightful phrase - 'eaten alive' at a private school. It works both ways. As I said, the kindest children are not always the rich ones.

Actually i get the eaten alive comment.

I went to the local comp. both my kids were privately educated for prep then both went to state schools for secondary.

Both held their own but i found unusual secondary schools that they fit into.

most kids dont like ‘different’ sending a privately educated child bubble-wrapped from ‘normal’ life to a state scHool is chancing trouble.

i would still go and see the bursar

'..eaten alive' pahahaha
.... by children like mine?
Went to the local crappy comp and emerged lively human beings with bags of great exam results and a few friends for life?

Honestly OP... can you just hear yourself?

I was on a bursary at school as were most of my friends

none of us were supposed to know how big our bursaries were, but we all did.

And we also knew that one girl’s parents had got divorced but stayed together to avoid the family house being lost in bankruptcy and also to ensure they got a decent bursary for her

so I can well imagine that OP’s DC knows the details of other pupils’ arrangements

"Eaten alive" yeah OK.
We were offerred free places at the very high achieving school that DH teaches at. We said no thanks.
We wanted them to mix with people from all walks of life and they have at our local state school.
They all got fantastic grades, they have amazing careers, they competed at national level in their sports (including rowing) and have lively friends for life.

Ah well, you lost me at eaten alive.

You have absolutely no idea how much is paid in bursary, but it's a lifeline to many. Try not to be too bitter.

Your DH is working abroad and presumably you work here in the UK? Is it a day school?

PE isn't worth the lifestyle you're describing

To be fair nobody knows exactly which school is OPs local comp. we all know they vary hugely and there are schools that have serious problems

im not sure why you don’t just apply for a bursary if you meet the criteria? Or is it that you wouldn’t qualify but begrudge others paying less?

@Smartiepants79 these days many schools offer scholarships with no or little financial benefit. They have diverted the money they used to use for scholarships into means-tested bursaries.

Scholarships are awarded on merit and the brightest (or most musical or most sporty or whatever) children get the recognition and status of a scholarship. Those children might not need any financial assistance. Bursaries are means-tested.

If you're struggling that much maybe you'll have to consider a state school. If you've brought your children up in such a bubble that you don't think they could mix with poor people then you've done a rubbish job.

I doubt your child would have adverse experiences in the state sector. You’re clearly struggling to afford this, so why not at least visit your catchment state schools and see if you and DS like them?

Why on earth would your child be ‘eaten alive’ at a state school?

I'd be more concerned about the school declaring financial struggles. What happens when it goes busy in the middle of your DSs GCSE courses?
I'd be looking elsewhere now.

If you are based in the U.K. why don’t you apply for a bursary?

Well 🤷🏼‍♀️ you’ve chosen the private route for your child because you want to buy them an unfair advantage over state students, and now you’re complaining that other people are having an unfair advantage over you financially? You can’t sign up for an inherently unfair system then complain it’s unfair for you.

And why would he be ‘eaten alive’

Sounds like you have more than enough cash to live in a catchment for a very good state school or grammar if he’s clever enough.

This notion that it’s private school or Kidulthood is laughable.

OP the issue here is your husband’s job. Why can’t he get a well-paid job in the UK? Then you wouldn’t need to pay for flights etc.

There are many reasons @Moonicorn that parents choose private school not all of the parents have money or are buying privilege. Anyone can apply for a private school and most of them will tell you if they can provide bursaries on their websites and to what extent.

Something doesn’t add up here. Schools would very rarely openly say they’re having financial problems. It’s likely to put off prospective parents. If a school is having such financial problems that it feels the need to say so to parents, then why would it be spending out increasing amounts in bursaries? It just seems weird.

OP it seems likely there’s been a misunderstanding or misinformation somewhere. If it’s all true then I would be looking to move schools as this school’s financial viability seems doubtful. As pp have said you might find you could get a better financial deal (via bursary or more generous scholarship) at another school.