Not wanting to share benefits with non-resident parent?

[MagnoliaPrimrose]

Ex and I have 3dc, one with additional needs. I cannot work because of caring responsibilities for disabled dc. I get DLA for dc and carers allowance, also tax credits including disabled element for dc. This is my whole income, and I am gradually sliding into debt.

Ex has bi-polar disorder and hasn't worked since about 6 months after I met him. He stopped working when I became pregnant with dc1. He also became abusive at that point and I wasn't able to leave (as in psychologically I didn't see that I was able to, he had done a full on number on me). I worked throughout our relationship and we went on to have more dc (stupid of me - I know - but there we are). While on mat leave with dc3 I finally got the strength to leave and did so, moving back to my home town 50miles away - partly to escape ex and partly to get support from family etc.

We have been through court, various professional involvement and have an order of monthly contact, with option of mutually agreeing more.

Dc1 (disabled dc) didn't want to see ex for years and is old enough that he isn't subject to order (teen). Recently dc1 has decided he does want to see dad, and on advice from various professionals I am supportive of this.

Exs abuse was directed at me, not dc. I understand that they were being abused by witnessing, but there is no concern from any professionals involved about his contact with dc now and it is court ordered (just saying because I know people will say dc shouldn't be seeing him at all - that's not an option).

Ex lives in one bed flat. He says he doesn't have space to have all dc together. He wants to see dc1 separately to the others, and tbh that would be good for all - for dc1 to have 1:1 time with dad and others to have time away from dc1 (whose behaviour is challenging). But he says he can't afford it - the travel is too expensive and that I need to share the benefits with him to enable him to see dc1.

For the monthly contact - the court ordered arrangement is that we split the responsibility for travel and it's costs.

I cannot afford to subsidise ex in the way he is asking. But he may then say he cannot see dc1, or has to reduce how often he sees the other dc. AIBU to say it's his responsibility to find his contact?

For ref - he pays £30 pcm maintenance, and I pay for everything for the dc. They have nothing other than toothbrushes and toothpaste at his place.

Say no and stick to court ordered sharing of payment I assume he's getting disability benefits of his own which should run to fund this He's still trying to abuse you emotionally and financially in my opinion !

No you should not share your benefits. He has to fund his contact. Don't get into any discussion on this.

He does get PIP. He is saying that dc1 DLA should pay for dc1 contact with ex.

if you are in receipt of carers allowance you may be entitled to a one off payment of £500. you will have to apply for it. google it for information.

Thanks - I'll look that up.

So he's trying to punish your children because you won't give him money?

Okay maybe he's not purposely doing that, but that's the outcome.

I'd be documenting this. I'd say no to him and say the reason is I refuse to deviate from the law and your benefit money is specifically for your children, not your ex.

If he becomes abusive because of it document that as well and think about stopping contact.

I would consider it cheap respite if you can hand him back the £30 a month (I wouldnt cancel it) and maybe take DC1 food when you drop him off.

Yes you shouldn't have to pay anything, but sounds like if you are financially able to stretch at all it might be beneficial all round.

That is what his PIP is for though.

Where is his PIP going? PIP is a good income and it's specifically so you can pay for things that enable you to live independently, so cleaners, taxis, carers, and.....

.....traveling for contact with your child.

It's emotional blackmail, yet more abuse of you.

You cannot afford it.

M y child receives DLA and whilst I don’t share that with the ex, I do make sure that said child has what he needs when he’s at dad’s. I buy extra for him to take to dad’s and leave there, for example, but I recognise that I am fortunate to be able to continue working and as such my income isn’t as limited as yours. Is there a compromise you could come to over equipment/medication/ etc that would help?

If he is on pip is he not entitled to a discounted travel? I know someone who gets discount on trains/ and free on buses, don’t know if that’s everywhere though

You are already getting into debt.
You cannot afford it.
He will have to kids in 2 groups on a rotational basis

No its not for him it's for the benefit of the child

Is there specific equipment you can share? (Literally the only example I can think of) like a trampette or sensory swing that you can get for his house out of the dla?

He is blackmailing you.

For the monthly contact - the court ordered arrangement is that we split the responsibility for travel and it's costs.
Don't give in - at very best you could concede paying half ex's travel costs - but it would be better to simply arrange to do half of the travel (ie pay your own fares/fuel) than actually hand over cash to him.
**
Because the first time you do that - he will take it as a green light to start extracting more. I guarantee it.

Also - it will allow him to 'win' ie he has exerted control, & bullied you again. I don't think that will be good for you.

it is NOT your responsibility to facilitate him seeing his son. It is his own job to ensure he has the money & means to do so.
I'm saying this because between the lines I can read some MumGuilt - that you may feel it's your fault that DC1 won't get to see his dad. But that's down to dad - not you. He chooses not to work - he chooses to manipulate you into funding his travel to see his own child FFS - what a despicable lowlife.

I'm so sorry you are having to endure this post-separation abuse. Because there is no doubt - this is what he is doing. I hope you gather strength & resolve from your thread, & don't spend a moment longer worrying about what you 'ought' to do for your ex. It's horrible for DS (& the other DC) but they are going to find out who their father really is in their own time. It's not your fault he's a shiftless arsehole who is trying to exploit their mother.

Don't give him a penny. DLA is for your child’s additional needs. You are already in debt. He has done fuck all to help you for years. You owe him nothing.

He gets PIP, he can use that. Why should you use your child’s DLA when he won’t use his PIP?! Unbelievable. He really does think his needs are greater than your child’s.

She isn't "financially able to stretch".
It's right there in the 1st paragraph FFS:
This is my whole income, and I am gradually sliding into debt.

Benefits are not a Mumsnet Chicken.

The £500 seems to be in Wales and maybe Scotland only but not England where I am.

Ex says he already spends all of his PIP on seeing the dc.

I'm sure he does get a hefty travel discount because dc told me it costs him £6 each for them to travel to his, and I know that fill price is at least 3 times this.

Ex is asking me to pay him the value of a chair that we bought together years ago, which is at my house and has been gradually ruined by dc1. I have offered him to take this chair many times and he hasn't. I really need to replace it and get some more sofas because we haven't enough for everyone to sit comfortably and I'm watching eBay and free local sites until something suitable comes up. Ex says that he wants the original value of the chair so that he can get a bunk bed for his place for the dc. I know for a fact that there are local charities he could ask for help to get furniture of this sort. I really don't want to pay him for a chair which I will soon have to take to the tip and pay myself to replace.

Was your third child born after 2017?

If so, he could claim Child Benefit for DC3, while you are unable to cos of 2 child limit. He would then also then be eligible to receive the child element of universal credit.

He's full of shit and a chancing bastard OP. You owe him nothing. Definitely not half the new value of an old damaged chair or the benefits you receive to look after your children every other day of the month.

He gets PIP, he can use that. Why should you use your child’s DLA when he won’t use his PIP?! Unbelievable. He really does think his needs are greater than your child’s

PIP is for the support of his own disability. And if he gets PIP, he clearly has needs himself. It is worth remembering here that there is a child that wants a relationship with their parent which is something no one can put a price on. It may not be the OP’s responsibility to financially facilitate contact but I am not sure it’s OK to put everything on the ex. Trying to find a compromise for the sake of the child is what is needed.

Why would you pay him for the chair? Of course you don’t. And your sons dla is not something to be sent to his dad. If he asked you for some of your wages every month would you be able to say no? This money is yours and you need it.

With a father who he didn’t want to see for years - children don’t decide that on a whim. A child should not have to sacrifice out of their own disability payments, and the fact that it’s a mere £6 makes it even worse that the ex is demanding it comes out of DLA. What sort of father does that? A shit one, and the child probably won’t benefit much from a relationship with this arsehole.

As for his chair, OP, he can fuck right off with that too.

This absolutely!
OP, you moved 50 miles away. If he had moved that far away, everyone here would be telling you that as he was the one who moved, he should pay travel expenses.
Your DS wants to see his father. Even though it sounds like your ex is being an arse about the costs, surely the priority for both of you should be to facilitate your son’s wishes?
The question you should ask yourself is, ‘do I want to prevent my ds from seeing his father by refusing to pay the travel costs?’. Taking a moral stance here by insisting on sticking to the court ordered agreement may not be the way forward. I’d argue that if DS is spending a night at his father’s house, his father should get a % of the DLA.

Ex is asking me to pay him the value of a chair that we bought

Stop engaging at all over ChairGate.

He doesn't give a fuck about the chair.
How likely is it he would even spend any money he bullied out of you on this fabled bunk bed for the DC?
It is all about 2 things: 1) money 2) keeping you controlled.

Ignore the chair nonsense.
Short term -
If he raises it again (something tells me he will ...) "oh that ratty old relic? It's going to the dump. I'm not sure why you want me to give you money that I don't have because DC's chair is no longer usable - it's nothing to do with you, so don't ask about it again."
Medium term -
I recommend you get some co-parenting software to cut down on his manipulation-by-message.
If you are able to afford it (I know - sorry - but this is also an investment in your MH), set it up, send him his link, & make your first message on it -
"Hi Ex, this is the new software I told you about - we can manage all contact arrangements & schedules from this - next date is XYZ, can you confirm you are still seeing him/them - bye"
THEN BLOCK HIM ON EVERYTHING ELSE.

For a man who is only in his DC's lives once a month at best, he is taking up a horrible amount of space in your mind.
The software will help you 'distance' him. His name will no longer come up on your devices or social media.
It should also help increase his 'accountability' - as all his no-shows, unreasonable demands, extortion attempts etc will be safely stored in one central location ...
Very helpful for you to be able to store all this in one place.
Helpful for you not to knee-jerk respond to ad hoc messages coming in.
You will have the luxury of being able to log in when YOU see fit, manage his messages on a neutral platform, & ignore the fuck out of him the rest of the time.

Any more nonsense about chairs or money?
"It's not appropriate to ask me to give you the DC's benefit money. You have your own benefit money & discounted travel, both of which are provided in order to help you see your DC. Do not ask me for money again."
See? - then it's there, in black & white, on record.
And you DO NOT ALLOW him to drag you into discussion.
See links below for help with tactics & mindset:

www.revolutionlearning.co.uk/article/the-broken-record-technique/

www.e-counseling.com/mental-health/what-is-the-grey-rock-method/

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

God no don't subsidise him. Can he not get a job?