To feel annoyed with my parents

[Offyougo2]

I have two children - 2 years and 3 months. My sister is due her first baby next month.

My sister has always been a bit needy. She took a long time to start her career as she did multiple ski seasons and went travelling and now works in an area that is not brilliantly paid. She has often relied on my parents to help her financially. They were paying her phone bills and contact lens subscriptions for ages as she “forgot” to amend them. They bought her a car, which she was supposed to pay them back for but I still don’t think she has.

She was made redundant a few months ago, which is obviously horrible and terrible timing but she is still getting maternity pay.

In the past my sister has been diagnosed with anxiety although I’m not sure whether she has ever taken medication for it. When she found out she was pregnant, she was quite down about it because she said her life was going to be ruined. She had been trying for a baby, I think it just happened quicker than she expected.

She spends a lot of time at my parents’ house (two hours from where she lives). This is partly because her husband is a chef who caters events and so he works away and at weekends a lot and she doesn’t like being by herself.

She has lots of friends where she lives but a lot of them are like her and did multiple ski seasons and travel etc, so very few of them are married or have kids even though they are all mid-30s. I think they spend weekends in the pub drinking.

My parents are so focused on my sister and how she is, that they don’t seem to care that much about me or my kids. When my new baby was 5 weeks old my husband had to go away for a few days on business and I asked my mum to come and help a bit and she originally told me that she couldn’t because my sister was going to be staying.

I just know that once my sister’s baby arrives that my parents are going to hugely focused on that and it makes me feel like they don’t really care about me or my children. I think they think that because it’s my second and that we’re doing fine that we don’t need them. I can cope fine, but it would still be nice to have some help now and again and, of course, for my parents to see the grandchildren regularly as they grow up.

I think I’m probably being over sensitive, but I’m a bit fed up of the contact focus on my sister and also the expectation of the support I should be providing my sister (giving her baby things, calling her regularly etc etc) but nothing vice versa.

Well, I don't blame you, but you can't really have input into their relationship.

You shouldn't be expected to enable a grown adult in that way though.

I don't know what "doing" ski seasons means, do you mean she didn't work and how expects financial help?

*now not how!

Some people feel good by helping the needy. Sorry they are not interested as much in your life. From an outsider perspective it seems they see you as capable and not in need. By contrast your sister not so much.

That’s hard & unfair of them. Try to take some comfort that at least your DC’s won’t suffer from the effects of enabling relationships & while much as you’d like them more in your lives, it looks like it would come at a cost.

My family was like this. It felt like my parents always rewarded failure and so my sister failed at everything and was their favourite child. She lived with them until their death and in the last couple of years had pretty much banned me from the house for "abandoning them" by having a job, a husband and a house to live in. None of those were unusual things to have for a woman in her 30s where we live, but I was made to feel by all of them as though i was being "ridiculously independent". My sister (also in her 30s) got weekly pocket money and went with them to their retirement activities, not as a carer just to give her something to do. Eventually I realised it was them not me. To be loved I had to follow their vision for my life - which was that I had to be completely emotionally and financially dependent on them. They were never prepared to treat me as an adult. Sadly, I am relieved that they died before I had children. I wouldn't have wanted to have to deal with their relationship with my children. They certainly would have made it harder rather than easier. You may well be better off without their "help". It left my sister a 40 something, unemployable woman with expensive tastes and little skill building independent relationships.

I think your post does come across as a bit unreasonable. Being diagnosed with anxiety and being made redundant are both quite big things. You seem very overfocused on the past and money things that you don't necessarily know the ins and outs of and your remarks about her friends seem unnecessary..

That being said you feel how you feel. It sounds a little like you feel you did everything "right" and yet don't get rewarded properly with praise and as much attention from your parents. I think sometimes sibs get slightly different messages from their parents and take on slightly different roles and both can end up feeling a bit resentful as a result. Is she older or younger than you?. You all sound like nice people to me. Your parents sound caring. I imagine they are delighted and relieved that you are managing so well in life and perhaps they just don't let you know enough. But maybe it's an idea to talk to them not in a critical or demanding kind of way. But maybe focus on what you've said here about just wanting to see them more and you'd love for them to be able to see your kids regularly and build a relationship. It might be they really would like this more too but feel overburdened by worries etc. But also I wonder if there's a way of saying something about your needs as many people use their kids when really it's that they have needs they can't express. I don't know how receptive they are but how would they react if you said you know your sister has trou bles and appreciate they are doing their best to help her but you can't help feeling a bit sidelined sometimes maybe because people assume you don't need any focus because you are quite independent. Or something. No petulance or demands but might just make them think a little? Depends if they are likely to get defensive.

What I'm saying is, when my parents were alive I blamed my sister for all of her problems and for taking so much of my parents' time and attention away from me. After they died (and she suddenly became a lot more capable) I realised it was my parents causing the issues all along. Why are your parents still paying for her car or her contact lenses? That's not your sister's fault - they're encouraging her dependence on them because (on some level) they like it.

YABU
Of course your parents are focussed on your sister right now. She is jobless and pregnant with a low paid chef partner who works unsocial hours. Your situation is much more stable and you need them less. I am presuming too that your sister has also put more effort into her relationship with them by visiting theirs. Even just keeping them company is effort. How often do you visit your parents?

But mostly my YABU is because you are literally annoyed at your parents for what you think might happen in the future once your sisters baby is born. That’s like being annoyed at your partner because he cheated on you in a dream you had.

My sister is younger than me but only by 18 months. Of course it is horrible that she has been made redundant, particularly whilst pregnant. However, her employer has given her contract work up until the time she goes off on maternity leave. Her husband owns his own catering business and caters high end events, so he does pretty well I think. They own their own home.

I do visit my parents pretty regularly, though not quite as much since we had children as it’s often easier to have them come to us.

My sister was diagnosed with anxiety over 10 years ago. I don’t think she took medication at that time (not 100% sure), although she definitely isn’t on medication now. These days it’s more that she always has to have something to worry about. Even if everything in her life is going well she will find small things to get stressed about.

When she told me that she was pregnant she said that she wasn’t that excited as it was going to wreck her life. She seems fine about it now though.

When I speak to my parents (particularly my mum) the conversation always ends up turning to my sister and how enthusiastic (or not) she is feeling about the baby, whether I have called my sister to check up on her etc etc.

YANBU. It sounds like you’re receiving the message loud and clear that your sister is needy and requires intense support that they’re happy to give, while it’s expected you’ll just get on with things.

you can’t change your parents’ feelings or the support they want to give her, all you can do is try and feel some pride in yourself for being more mature and independent. Your Sister might be getting more attention and help but in the long run you’ll fare far better in life and set a better example to your children.

some people are experts at getting people around them to view them as poor little ineffectual pits of neediness and have others doing all sorts for them.

As long as your dps manage her life for her she won't take medication.. Because then she would be expected to be responsible for herself.. Bloody hate people like that tbh.

Be glad you are a real grown up op. Your dc will be so much better off than hers ultimately..

OP I was diagnosed with A&D years ago. I had a moment of considering relying on parents after I had a breakdown. It was a very brief moment indeed. A moment of madness.

I do my best to ensure my condition doesn't affect the rest of the family. I can totally see why this is a pain for you to be expected to check in on her etc

It's one thing to provide support in tough times - but it seems more like you're being asked to be an emotional support human ALL the time. And from what you say, she missed a chunk of earning options earlier in life because she was skiing?! That was her choice.

Yes, redundancy sucks, of course I sympathise and have been there twice.

I have obviously done a lot of reading about my condition and if I could get someone to run my life, I could maybe stop taking meds. It sounds like she has surrounded herself with support, which is fine, but you don't have to participate in that.