Page 2 | Rude FaceTiming??

CriticalEnergy · 2022-05-21T08:06:49+00:00

Aibu?? MIL here to stay from another country. No cultural difference. Expat. She's genuinely lovely, but. But! Multiple daily loud FaceTimes with her friends where she discusses our house, my cooking (and her friends say shit like "ooh, it would be nice to have x meal, can she do you that?". She chats freely to them about various medical issues regarding my DC or DH, lists off "*SO* much that still needs doing in this house!" and she practically yells into the phone, as do her friends. She'll parade the phone all around the house showing various unfinished bits of it to them, she's just come in right now while I'm writing this in my pyjamas to wave the phone in one of the DC's faces so they can say hi to someone they've never met. I don't want to say hello to people I've never met over FaceTime when in my nightwear and with absolutely no warning!! I hate it and I think it's rude as fuck. Am I wrong?

KettrickenSmiled · 21/05/2022 18:24

ReadyToMoveIt · 21/05/2022 13:50

I fucking hate FaceTime. I find it so intrusive. PIL’s FaceTime every Sunday morning and make comments about me still being in my pyjamas (it’s the only day I don’t have to be up and out by 8am!).
Also when they stay here they’ll FaceTime their friends/relatives and make us all say hello in turn etc. Drives me barmy.
YANBU.

Then why do you participate, @ReadyToMoveIt ?

It. Is. Not. Obligatory.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/05/2022 18:26

billy1966 · 21/05/2022 14:36

Unbelievably rude.

She needs to overhear you telling friends how rude she is and that you can't wait for her to be gone.

So rude.

Does she think you're deaf?

I sort of agree ... but would save it for MiL's friends to overhear.

MiL won;t care what OP's friends think. She'll care about her own, who she is shamelessly showboating to.

Sparkletastic · 21/05/2022 18:27

She'd be getting short shrift from me

KettrickenSmiled · 21/05/2022 18:28

She's genuinely lovely, but.

Explain this loveliness to us OP, because I'm not sure anyone else can see it ...

Original poster

CriticalEnergy · 21/05/2022 19:39

She's a lovely grandmother and she's genuinely interested in our lives and wants to do nice things. Just that her idea of nice things is nothing remotely helpful to me. Doing flash cards with my DD several levels ahead of her ability and teaching phonics wrongly doesn't "save me a job" for example.

I have expressed my dislike for FaceTime and said that I am uncomfortable with strangers in South Africa being spectators to my life in strange, unprepared snippets. But I feel that she thinks I'm being precious. Because she seems to absolutely love FaceTime so maybe she doesn't get it when others don't? Or maybe she doesn't want to acknowledge it because it makes her feel uncomfortable about all the FaceTime calls I've attended for about five minutes and then excused myself from over the years. Perhaps she never assessed that until now.

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 22/05/2022 07:57

But I feel that she thinks I'm being precious.
So what?
It doesn't matter what you think she feels.
You are overthinking this by a mile - which is understandable, as stress & anxiety tend to make us overthink & second guess ourselves.

Because she seems to absolutely love FaceTime so maybe she doesn't get it when others don't
She's a grown up.
And even a child is capable of the concept "I like blue, but Mary likes yellow".
Why are you making excuses for her? Her behaviour is breathtakingly rude.
She gets it btw. She sees your expression & body language every time she insults you & your home on camera. She knows exactly what she is doing - undermining you.
How do you feel about that? Cross enough to finally stand u for yourself yet?

It sounds like a bloody nightmare. Not just being randomly filmed in what should be the privacy & safety of your own home - but to have a negative running commentary alongside it, while the person filming you cackles at you with her friends at your expense?

It's an outrage OP & you are totally within your rights to put a hard stop to it.
If she needs to facetime her little friends, she can do so in the privacy of her room.

TheFoxAndTheStar · 22/05/2022 08:58

@KettrickenSmiled has hit the mail on the head.

I usually stick up for the MIL on threads (they often display a lot of internalised misogyny, which annoys me).

However your MIL is either just incredibly rude and insensitive or, more likely, she is doing it on purpose to put you in your place and establish her dominance.

Original poster

CriticalEnergy · 22/05/2022 09:12

There's not any nastiness from her though. I think it's just that she doesn't understand that I don't like it. I think because she's delighted to see her friends or show off what FIL (retired pastry chef) is cooking/has cooked on FaceTime, she thinks everyone else feels the same way, and I just don't like it, it feels like a crowd has been brought in unannounced.

Last night she was chatting to someone and she was going to take the phone in to DD's bedroom so they could see how sweet she looked sleeping. DH said no, and she immediately apologised but looked a bit put out and has been subdued this morning, still in bed, refused offer of tea.

OP posts:

KettrickenSmiled · 22/05/2022 09:25

There's not any nastiness from her though.
Doesn't quite chime with ...

Last night she was chatting to someone and she was going to take the phone in to DD's bedroom so they could see how sweet she looked sleeping. DH said no, and she immediately apologised but looked a bit put out and has been subdued this morning, still in bed, refused offer of tea.
... does it?

DH can say NO to her.
You can too OP.
If she sulks & hides - not your problem.

andtheycalledthewindmoriah · 22/05/2022 09:55

No, you're completely right.

Do you have a garden? I think she's doing it partly for attention. I'd go in the garden each time with a drink and chill until she's finished.

Original poster

CriticalEnergy · 22/05/2022 19:31

Ok, now she's telling my children when they are and are not allowed to watch TV, telling them they can't have a snack because it's too close to dinnertime (that she isn't making) and she keeps turning my fucking sockets off or commandeering them! I've got 4 plug extension that gets used to charge phones, laptops and tablets. She unplugged that with 4 devices charging and plugged in her own charger for her phone?? Who does that?? Who tells someone else's kids they're only allowed fruit for snacks from now on? Who bitches about the family they're staying with, cost free?? I'm very annoyed today

OP posts:

TheFoxAndTheStar · 22/05/2022 20:02

You are going to have to tackle this, for everyone’s good, or you are going to snap. At best, you are never going to want her back. Clear the air and set some boundaries?

KettrickenSmiled · 22/05/2022 20:53

CriticalEnergy · 22/05/2022 19:31

Ok, now she's telling my children when they are and are not allowed to watch TV, telling them they can't have a snack because it's too close to dinnertime (that she isn't making) and she keeps turning my fucking sockets off or commandeering them! I've got 4 plug extension that gets used to charge phones, laptops and tablets. She unplugged that with 4 devices charging and plugged in her own charger for her phone?? Who does that?? Who tells someone else's kids they're only allowed fruit for snacks from now on? Who bitches about the family they're staying with, cost free?? I'm very annoyed today

Well - several PP have given you advice/tactics.

Do you want to carry on lettng her rule your roost while you do nothing but feel annoyed - or are you going to woman up, & tell her to butt out?

It doesn't have to be confrontational.
"Grandma, chill out, you're on holiday, let me worry about the kids."
"MiL - let it go & relax, I've got this. Kids - you can have xyz to eat now, but only one each because supper's at 7, ok?"

The plug socket? Meh. Let it go til you need the actual plugs, then just pull hers out & plug yours in. Pick your battles.

LittleBearPad · 22/05/2022 20:54

CriticalEnergy · 22/05/2022 19:31

Ok, now she's telling my children when they are and are not allowed to watch TV, telling them they can't have a snack because it's too close to dinnertime (that she isn't making) and she keeps turning my fucking sockets off or commandeering them! I've got 4 plug extension that gets used to charge phones, laptops and tablets. She unplugged that with 4 devices charging and plugged in her own charger for her phone?? Who does that?? Who tells someone else's kids they're only allowed fruit for snacks from now on? Who bitches about the family they're staying with, cost free?? I'm very annoyed today

She sounds utterly dreadful.

Bobbins36 · 22/05/2022 21:02

You have to be blunt I think. Your house, your rules. ‘MIL of course I don’t mind you FaceTiming your friends but please don’t ask me or the kids to take part or show my house to strangers, thanks”

the other stuff is common or garden annoying MIL stuff. Just unplug her charger if you need it, tell the kids (and her) what your policy on snack is if she wades in with her rules etc if you can let go of the smaller stuff and let that pass you are in a better position to complain about the really annoying shit.

infuriating though, best of luck!

SomersetONeil · 22/05/2022 21:04

Last night she was chatting to someone and she was going to take the phone in to DD's bedroom so they could see how sweet she looked sleeping. DH said no, and she immediately apologised but looked a bit put out and has been subdued this morning, still in bed, refused offer of tea.

Result! Just keep doing that, then.