To find it hard co-parenting

[TheStruggleIsADream]

How exactly am I meant to raise two children on my own, whilst trying to hold down a job keep a roof over our heads and enjoy my own life, without really much help from their other parent?

I absolutely cannot stand this situation any longer, I’m broke, exhausted, emotionally just not all there and quite honestly struggling.
It isn’t new, I’ve been a single parent for 8 years, but dear God my ex is driving me nuts.
he has had another child and his partner is just the worst!

He isn’t allowed to speak to me, hasn’t seen our dc for well over 2 months has only spoken to them twice and gets mad when they don’t call him or gets angry at me being angry because he hasn’t seen nor spoken to our dc, nor has he been involved in anything they’re doing.

how do you live your life like that?
We used to have a fairly good relationship, was more than happy to have a cuppa at drop offs, could easily sit in the park if one of us wasn’t busy on day when it was the others to take the dc out. Just general pleasant co-parents.

in the last 3 years I have barely been able to get him to even come to important things at school, without his partner giving me the side eye and being vile. I can’t even call his phone about our dc because as soon as she sees my number, she starts screaming down the phone. I have never met this woman, so I don’t feel I have given her any cause for concern.

so how do I deal with trying to coparent with someone who cannot see they’re doing wrong by their children by picking and choosing which ones lives to be in?
my poor dc are feeling so hurt and I don’t know what to do anymore, the man completely ignores every call or text that I initiate, regardless of what it is about.

Honestly: stop making the effort. If he wants to come to things, he will. If he wants to call the kids he can. Stop making the effort with such a useless loser, you are enabling his shitty behaviour

Is there a reason why you call him? I don’t know anyone’s ex who calls them about the kids, all things about the children are text or email, also going to things together I’m not sure that’s typical either so maybe you are expecting a bit more from the situation? Ime most exes do their own thing in regards to them children so maybe back away a bit, things often change when people get a partner

I'd walk away and crack on. If he wants to bd involved he'll find a way

Honestly, just let it go. You feeling angry about this doesn't serve you at all. As long as YOU show up for the kids that's what matters. When they are older, they will remember you there when they needed you. I get the frustration and resentment that you're doing it all and are exhausted but your anger won't make him care. All you can control is your reaction to things. Once I realised that myself, life become much more calm and pleasant. I kill him with kindness on the days I do have to interact with him.

I agree you should stop making the effort. I realise you're trying to protect your dc from hurt but you're unwittingly exposing them to pain.

His partner sounds awful but this is on him. This is what he's chosen. It's better the children understand rather than you trying to sugar coat things. They are too old not to see the truth of it anyway. Protect your relationship with them by being honest and there for them.

I call him because as I said we had a fairly amicable relationship, we have known each other for 20 years and also have two children.
90% of the time I do text, however if he calls then I’m not Going to tell him to text me there isn’t anything wrong with that.

Also of course he does his own thing with them as do I, our dc know we’re not together and aren’t confused about that, but we are able to be around each other without arguing.

A few months ago for example, before this all started to get really bad I took them to a local park and he happened to be going through walking his dog and so he ended up sitting with us and we all had some fun playing badminton for a few hours.
It may not be typical but that is how we have been, in fact nobody should see that as wrong and I’ll never grasp the concept on here that if you have an ex especially one you have children with that you have to all of a sudden become enemies or never speak again.

I do not involve myself with his life, but these last few years have definitely been hard having to deal with the way he has been, so yes of course now I need to just leave him to it clearly he is choosing what he wants.

I feel for you OP, I had this situation a few years back, fortunately he didn’t have a child with her and the relationship only lasted 2 years but it caused almost irreparable damage to his relationship with our DCs and it took me a long time to get over it.

He had to block me on his phone whenever he was with her; twice he missed A&E dashes and once he missed emergency surgery (appendix) because he was at hers for the weekend and so I was blocked the entire time. He only knew because I’d rang ExMIL (who bollocked him) to ask her to collect the youngest from the hospital as the eldest was being admitted to the ward and I couldn’t get hold of him.

We previously (and have since resumed) attending parents evening etc together, “not allowed” when he was with her. School were seriously unimpressed.

One DC had an activity that he did the travelling for as I didn’t drive; that activity had to stop as he “wasn’t allowed to do me favours”.

Luckily he’s now married to someone lovely, who he has had another child with.

My Dad has been married multiple times since divorcing my Mum, and without exception, all of them were like this. Openly hostile to me, both when I was a child and now as an adult. His shitty taste in women and his lack of a spine is a massive issue and my children barely know their Grandfather because of it.

Yet my Step Dad is an absolute joy and a wonderful Grandfather to my children.