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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want my dh to get a job

27 replies

lackofvision · 20/05/2022 18:42

DH is older than me. He retired a couple of years ago but is still in his 50s. He has a reasonable pension

I still work, My job has become really stressful and I've had enough. I want us both to work so we can save.

My dm wound me up today saying we wouldn't be able to afford to live and he should be still working

I want him to go back to work in some way and am sick of rushing out in the morning whilst he is still in bed. He's in a chair when I arrive home but obviously does stuff in the home etc. he cooks as well.

I just don't understand it and feel,resentful as I couldn't build up a pension in the same way itms as I didn't earn as much and fitted work around my family

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 20/05/2022 18:46

What's the point in early retirement if he doesn't have enough for you both to retire and enjoy that retirement?

If you sacrificed a career for your family it's unfair for you to continue working while he retires on the pension he gained because of your sacrifice.

LaurieFairyCake · 20/05/2022 18:48

How long you been together?

Did he build up that pension pot with family money? If so it's just as much yours...

Original poster
lackofvision · 20/05/2022 18:55

We've been married for 3 decades

To be fair he does pay for most of the bills and I contribute as well.

He says I can leave any time. I was hoping to keep going till I was 60 but it's been so awful of late

He doesn't seem to socialise with anyone either unless it is family but seems ok with this

OP posts:
OneCup · 20/05/2022 19:04

Assuming he worked all his life and built a reasonable pension pot I can't see why he couldn't enjoy retirement? Of course if cost of living is a problem, then it is different.

RedHelenB · 20/05/2022 19:34

As long as you get to retire the same age as he did I don't see the problem ?

Original poster
lackofvision · 20/05/2022 20:00

I'm that age now hence it hitting home

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 20/05/2022 20:22

lackofvision · 20/05/2022 20:00

I'm that age now hence it hitting home

So can you afford to retire? If so, I'd join him!

Original poster
lackofvision · 20/05/2022 20:26

I don't think I can as the cost of living is rising and I don't want to be worrying about money in the future

Plus he is controlling about money and it would be his money not ours I feel

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/05/2022 14:39

I think there are multiple issues here.

You say your job has got stressful and you've had enough, so you want both of you to work so you can save. But how will that make your job any less stressful? Do you mean you'd be able to afford to retire earlier if he was also earning?

Then you say you feel resentful of him just "sitting in a chair" when you return home from work. That just sounds like jealousy to me. But if you come in to a nice clean and tidy house with the washing and ironing done and something nice planned for dinner then I really don't see the issue with him "sitting in the chair" at the point you come home? Unless he ignores you when you want to sound off about your bad day and carries on looking at his phone?

Then you say you are worried about the cost of living rises. What is his view? You should view planning for retirement as something you do as a couple, especially if one of you has been out of the workplace/on a lower wage for a number of years due to childcare responsibilities. One person shouldn't be worrying about how they as an individual will cover cost of living rises while the other one sits there sitting pretty, having done their sums and know bills will be covered. Have you planned retirement as a couple? Is HE worried about cost of living rises? You say he pays most of the bills so it doesn't sound like he is, unless he's in denial. Is it that you don't actually KNOW if his pension will cover bills, so you feel like you have to carry on working in case his pension doesn't cover everythign?

Your last post mentions that he is controlling over money - this is your biggest issue. My husband has NEVER been controlling over money. We work as a team, discuss financial plans. In fact, he's a bit overly generous because he views his money as our money, and my money as my money Grin My own financial situation has recently changed drastically and despite me now having vastly more in savings than he has, he'll still encourage me to use that to retire early if I want while he carries on working to put more into his own pension. I see my retirement money as joint, though, so when we come to seriously consider retirement, we will look at BOTH our situations and what we can afford as a couple. It sounds like this is your biggest issue. You're not working as a team.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/05/2022 14:43

Ultimately he should have considered if him taking early retirement was affordable for you as a COUPLE taking into consideration he has built up that pension presumably because you took on the burden of the family and house and leaving YOU will far less money in your pension pot. Are you worried about splitting up and having a miniscule pension to survive on? Because I think you'd have a claim on his pension if that was the case.

Original poster
lackofvision · 22/05/2022 12:23

@CurlyhairedAssassin

Thanks for your thoughts

Yes it's good that I can come home to this and I was feeling really upset on Friday. I felt resentful as he can go about his day without having the stress of work plus I sometimes need some space and he is always there

I will see how I feel next week and try to appreciate what he does do

OP posts:
Original poster
lackofvision · 22/05/2022 12:25

And yes I am worried about it not covering everything in the long run

OP posts:
FrownedUpon · 22/05/2022 12:55

Did you discuss retirement plans during the last thirty years? Surely you knew the plan. I don’t blame him wanting to retire if he has enough pension, but it’s only fair you get to retire too. Unless you chose not to work and that’s why you have less pension?

bellac11 · 22/05/2022 12:58

girlmom21 · 20/05/2022 18:46

What's the point in early retirement if he doesn't have enough for you both to retire and enjoy that retirement?

If you sacrificed a career for your family it's unfair for you to continue working while he retires on the pension he gained because of your sacrifice.

Where in the OP does it indicate that there isnt enough to retire?

If anything its the other way round, he seems to be saying to her to stop work, she is the one saying no

VestaTilley · 22/05/2022 13:06

Whoa. If he’s controlling with money what else is he controlling about? That’s a tendency that’ll only worsen as he ages; it’s unlikely to improve.

Give serious thought to whether this is a man you want to spend your twilight years with.

Babyroobs · 22/05/2022 13:14

I personally think fifties is too young to retire completely. Half my group of friends seem to be retiring on large civil service pensions. I think I'd be bored. I guess if he can afford it though then that's fine. I'd be too worried.

AnneElliott · 22/05/2022 13:45

I also agree that in your 50s it's too early to completely stop work. My FIL retired at 49 (I've never known him to be at work!) and it's done him no good. He's now 80 but much much older then my own dad who is almost the same age but he didn't stop working until he was 76 and only because of health issues.

Can he not do something part time - something he enjoys maybe so at least you get extra money coming in and it gets him out of the house.

Original poster
lackofvision · 22/05/2022 14:27

I worked less due to my dc and being close together but I've always worked in some capacity but he was a much higher earner

OP posts:
Original poster
lackofvision · 22/05/2022 14:29

Yes my df retired much later

Dh did shift work tbf so it is more tiring

Yes I would like him to work part time

OP posts:
augustusglupe · 22/05/2022 14:42

My DH retired 3 years ago. It happened through circumstance really and he enjoyed it at first. He was winding up our/his businesses and was still quite busy for a while.
Then Covid hit and by this time last year he was going stir crazy. 6 months ago he started applying for a few jobs and got one. He planned on part time, he's 60 btw, but the position was full time.
He absolutely loves it and we've both had a new lease of life.
Earlyish Retirement suits some people I'm sure, but it certainly didn't us

drpet49 · 22/05/2022 14:43

YABU- he’s earned the right to take early retirement. You sound jealous.

Original poster
lackofvision · 22/05/2022 14:45

Yes I am tbh as I've reached the age he was when he did

OP posts:
Original poster
lackofvision · 22/05/2022 14:46

Why am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TakeYourFinalPosition · 22/05/2022 14:48

I'm not sure that it's a fact that carrying on working keeps you younger... anecdotally, my FIL stopped working at 55 and misses it, but keeps himself busy and the reduced stress has probably done him good. A close family friend who worked with him is still working at 70, and while he could leave, says he doesn't want to - but he's "wearing" a lot worse, he seems older and more run down. It's probably hugely individual.

You need to talk to him; but if he did a lifetime of shift work and then retired and is happily retired without money worries, he may not want to go and get part-time work. If he's happy and doesn't see the need to change the status quo, he's not going to want to. You see it all the time here too, with SAHMs whose partners want them to go back to work and they don't feel that they need or want to.

It's a more difficult conversation to have now too, because you don't have the "compromise" of him working a few more years at the job he already had, and he may well find it difficult to find work in his 50s. He shouldn't, but it happens.

So the real question is what do you do. I'd be hesitant to say retire and depend on someone that you've described as at all controlling, if I'm honest, at any point... But even with that aside, do you want to retire? Is it a genuine concern that the increased cost of living will impact you if you retire, or is it more a worry? You've also mentioned that your mum has said he should work - which suggests peer pressure - and that you wish you had more space... are those impacting on your feelings? Do you need him to work, or do you feel resentful of him not working and wish he'd be out of the house? Because while your feelings are absolutely valid, the first is very different to the second.

Adding his controlling nature back in... are you compatible? Do you want to be together?

WhatcolourScheme432 · 22/05/2022 15:01

I would discuss together

If you both retired, what would you do ?
Do things together?
Do things separately ?
Volunteer, travel, hobbies, work PT ?

Have you both crunched the numbers related to how much you need to live on ?, your state pension must both be 66+

Have you both looked at your state pension forecast
You both need 35 years NI contributions to receive a full state pension

Can you downsize ?

Can you move ?