To ask how you split life admin/labour/mental load?

[blueberry23]

The end of my maternity leave coincides nicely with my DH starting a new job which will mean he is home a lot more than he has been in recent years.

Currently I would say I carry almost all of the mental load when it comes to our DC and the household and I would say I do 80% of all house work.

We have a fantastic cleaner once a week who always makes sure bathrooms and kitchen are sparkling and the whole house is hoovered.

My DH and I have agreed to sit down and discuss dividing up the jobs so that he can do his fair share once I'm back at work. I'll be working 3 days a week and I would like my 2 days off to be spend with my children and not cleaning/cooking/shopping.

I am not sure where to start.... sometimes I find it easier just to do it all myself but I need to get better at allowing him to do his fair share.

How do you divide the mental/physical load in your households? How is the best way to do this? Any tips for running a smooth household with two kids a dog and back to work three days a week? I find the thought of it quite overwhelming. I like to cook healthy meals from scratch, have a clean and tidy home, ensure everyone is happy but also my career is demanding and I need to make that work too. It feels impossible!

I don't have any advice but I'm following for any good advice as I work 4 days as well as carrying most of the mental load of the household, and also have 2 DC. It can be extremely overwhelming at times!

You need to read the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It's really clever and she goes into a system which fairly divides up tasks so that not only does your DH do more, but he also takes on his share of the mental load. Well worth a read - it saved my marriage after having a baby started causing resentment.

Thanks @15223thatgirl I've just ordered it!

@lancsgirl85 ahh it's so tough isn't it. I feel like I can't even blame my Dh as I've just let it become this way and done everything for everyone. He doesn't see or realise everything I do. But he's a lovely person and difficult to be annoyed at - I genuinely don't think he does it on purpose

@15223thatgirl
I might need to order this too - thanks!

@blueberry23

Same, my DP is generally a great person and a really good hands on Dad. He just doesn't carry the mental load like I do, he's far too laid back to think ahead and plan. He's not physically lazy and will do absolutely anything I ask of him around the house. It's just the having to ask part that gets to me! I hate being the gatekeeper of household tasks 😩

DH works from home, I work from the office most days.

He does the school runs and handles after school activities like scouts, music lessons, rehearsals, etc. He also does most of the to and fro to the kids' friends houses. I take care of the school admin work -- homework checks, making sure everyone has what they need for projects, arranging conferences (we both attend, though.) I keep the family calendar updated so we all know what happens and when. He takes care of requirements for scouts, makes sure the DC practice their music, and is the point of contact for all of the activities.

I do the big shops and most of the meal planning. He does the top-up shops. I do the cooking, he handles all of the washing up.

Cleaning, he does the "big picture" things -- tidying, laundry, hoovering. I take care of the "detail work" like dusting & mopping. We have a cleaner so none of these things are too intense.

He does the bedtime routines most nights, I take care of it when he's out at rehearsals.

I think it's a pretty even split.

I cook, he clears up. We both do the clothes washing as and when needed. We share calendars and ‘invite’ each other to any events we have so we know who needs to do nursery drop off or pick up. The person who does drop off packs the nursery bag and the pick up person puts the dirty clothes in the washing. We don’t have a cleaner (but really need to get one!), so we both just do what’s needed, but I tend to do the kitchen and he does the bathroom. We do an online shop and keep a shared notes that we can amend on our phones so whoever needs to do any top up shops can see what’s needed. We use the Amazon subscribe and save for household goods, nappies, and cat food/litter. He does bins/cat litter clean/tops up water, I do cat food. I tend to book holidays as I love it! Finances are all on direct debit, but I do mortgage, bills etc as I also enjoy that and it’s infrequent. I’d say we have good split and neither of us is resentful and works well for us.

Oh and he does the bedtime routine every night unless out!

When we found we didn’t have an even split we sat down together and wrote down daily (eg restock changing bag, empty dishwasher), weekly (meal plan, food shopping), monthly (put petrol in car, check oil) and sometimes jobs (new clothes for DCs, dentist appointments, book holiday) jobs with approx how long they took and then divided them up. It was a real eye opener to DH who just hadn’t realised how much more I had been doing.

Reading through these I've realised I've probably been a bit unfair to my DP. He does most of the bedtimes with toddler DD unless he's working a late shift and most of the food shopping. We split the laundry 50/50. I do most of the cooking but he does most of the washing up / cleaning of kitchen. General housework is roughly evenly split but I do a LOT of the mental load, which is where my issue is. I have to say x needs doing, shall we decide who's doing what, etc. He wouldn't for example think "the bathroom needs a clean; I'll do that". I would need to say this, and then he'd pitch in. The only things I don't need to prompt are food shopping or seeing to our DD's needs, he just cracks on with those things. I'm not sure what that's about, but there you go!

We have carried fluctuating %s of responsibility throughout our marriage, have both had periods as SAHP, both had varying % fte when working.

We reshuffle things when things change, but the important thing is you have to drop the martyrish thought pattern that 'it is easier if I do it myself'. If you had an inexperienced colleague, you wouldn't do their work for them - you would see it as a training opportunity for them to learn .

One thing we definitely do is play to our strengths. We also have an agreed level of 'tidiness' at home so that we both know what we are aiming for.

My DH works FT, mostly from home. I work outside the home 3 long days a week, term time only. We have one preschooler and one in primary.

DH gets the DC ready, does breakfast and does school and pre-school drop off on the days I work as I have to leave early. I do it on my days off. He also does most of the cooking (because he's good at it and enjoys it) so it makes sense for him to do the weekly food shop. He also takes the rubbish out most of the time. He also does all the gardening, because he enjoys it and I find it boring.

Washing, cleaning and loading/reloading dishwasher is pretty much 50/50, we don't have a system as such it just balances out that way.

I do the ironing because he hates it but I don't mind it. I change the beds because I'm the one who remembers to do it. I also take care of all the school admin, buying birthday presents for family and DC's friends, organising playdates, booking medical appointments, making sure things are added to our shared calendar. I'm always the one to notice if DC are outgrowing clothes/shoes or if we need something new for the house. I guess the mental load stuff tends to fall to me but he does more of the practical stuff.

We take it in turns to put the youngest to bed and the whoever isn't doing bedtime will sort packed lunches and put uniforms out for the next day.

I do the admin related to the kids activities but DH is usually the one who drives them to and from.

Looking at this I think we've got a pretty fair division of labour really. Sometimes one of us is busier at work and the other will pick up the slack for a bit but it balances out in the end.

On your 2 days off you are choosing to do what you want and not what is necessarily needed by the family.

If that comes to pass, you are the one living the better life not the one bearing the mental load.

I do mental load and wrangling kids. DH does washing and clearing up kitchen.

Somehow we both think we've got the better deal.

I did contemplate each taking the mental load for one child, but couldn't decide which child to abandon to DH's organisational skills.

We do house work 50/50, we don't have set jobs , but if the washing needs doing the person who notices does it (ect)
As for the mental stuff, DH sorts out school stuff (world book day big things too remember) and I sort out homework
Doctors and Dentist I do generally

My advice would be to divide up some things completely, and be more flexible with others. For example, my DH is responsible for all utilities, insurance, and children's activities on a Tuesday and Thursday. This includes making sure the lessons are paid for, kit is packed, child is ferried there and back and any forms etc is his responsibility. I do all the grocery shopping, make sure cleaners are paid, sort the admin for school and related activities for Monday and Wednesday.

This means the mental load is shared out and you don't end up having to do it all but he thinks he's done his share by taking the kids to school and putting them to bed.

My DH is really good with physical stuff but mental load … not a chance. It would never occur to him that it’s nearly Halloween so the kids will need a costume or that they could do with going to the hairdresser. It’s frustrating but I don’t see it ever being any different in our house unfortunately.

I do a lot of the mental load stuff but I am chair of the PTA and work on a computer all day so it's easier for me to do school stuff / bills etc.

My DH ensures our large dog is taken care of (food, grooming, vets etc) and also does the majority of the cooking. He also plays more with our DD whereas I do the homework etc.

We tend to split housework 50-50 or he takes DD to activities (and walks dog while waiting) and I stay at home to clean. So by the time he comes home, the house is clean, dog is tired and DD is playing with friends/ watching TV.

I realised last weekend just how lucky I was, when I spent Sunday in bed very unwell and he had done everything required without any input from me. House was spotless, dinner cooked, dog dealt with, spent time playing with DD and had even ironed school uniform etc for the week.

Compared to friends husbands it seems he is very much in the minority. When I thanked him for doing everything he said ' why would you thank me - I did what needed done, you would do the same if I were sick'.

We have clear lines. I do not do food shopping or bins. My husband never does presents.
He does finances (all) and I do admin (book holidays, school and hobby admin).

Cooking is whoever is at home but on his days off he'll batch cook. We take it in turns to put each child to bed (we have 2). Whoever gets the easier child does the kitchen.

For us having really clear lines helps and making sure you don't check up in the other person.