Did your DMs hinder your independence growing up?

[Herewegoagain11]

NC for this but wondered if anyones DM hindered their “growing up” especially in early teens? I was born late 80s and she is late 40s born. Single mom living with her DM also with myself.

Examples:

Not teaching me how to wash or dry my very frizzy long hair until I was about 16 (prob very much older than I should have been to do so) and I remember her saying “well she won’t need me for anything anymore”

Slept in her bed until about 14 and then I wasn’t trusted in my own room so she slept in my little single bed and I slept in her double bed in her room! What sense that makes I don’t know. No tv in her room maybe?

Not being able to eat proper food, so for example roast beef, steak, fish unless it was fish fingers, well anything unless it was in breaded shapes as it seemed to be too grown up for me to eat? Even now if I order a steak or eat cabbage???? she’s like ooooo get you grown up. I’m 36.

TMI and I’ve NEVER admitted this to anyone IRL but I also had to call her into the toilet after a bowel movement as I couldn’t be trusted to wipe until I was about 10.

I really feel like it hindered me with independence and indeed confidence, I’m sure it was a way of controlling me and we do have an ok relationship now but looking back it just seems so bloody weird. Is any of this resonating with anyone out there?

No but my DH's did.

Bloody hell op, those examples are pretty extreme. Does she have any mental health problems?

Maybe not to that extreme...but yes definitely not trusted to do much.

Not diagnosed no, looking back I can see menopausal signs and I’d imagine depression - she didn’t work and bad divorce from my dad, had to move back to her home town and start again

Dear me no, none of that sounds normal.

None of this would excuse the weird way she treated (and is still treating) you. How did she react when you moved out? Were you still sharing a room with her up til then?

Bloody hell OP! I read the title and was going to reply yes, as mine was a bit overprotective, but yours was extreme. I'm not surprised it affected your confidence. My mum's worries about me going out in the evenings as I grew up left me a bit more anxious and fearful than I might have been, so it seems logical that a more exaggerated version would have a greater effect. Have you had any counselling to help with confidence building?

My DM refused to buy me razors to shave my armpits and legs as it was deemed dangerous.
It was horrific as I was bullied for it. I remember cutting my armpit hair with childrens scissors when I was 13 before going swimming. I eventually brought my own razors when I got a paper round when I was 14.

I thought you were going to say you were not allowed to go out with your friends or something my mum never let me I had to tell lies
but your mumis extreme that isn't "normal "

No she was still in my little room and I was in hers until I went to uni, she was fine with me going to uni to be fair but obviously detested my boyfriends of Any sort. My first proper relationship when I moved out lead to huge discord between us and thats when I realised I had to keep things from her and not tell her much about my life which is a shame.

thought of a few other things- about tampons she always said I wasn’t grown up for using them so I wasn’t allowed.

banned me from going on a bus to school with a boy she didn’t like and followed me to the station and watched me get on a different one. Il never forget her evil eyes watching me from the station bench below as I got on the top deck. I was 15 at the time.

I don't understand the bedroom situation did she just want you having the bigger bed

She didn’t want me in my own room at night so I had a tv, computer, the usual 1000s of posters of boy bands, books, so it was like she didnt trust me to just sleep in there

That's extremely OTT.

I appreciate the independence I learnt growing up but I didn't always feel like that about it.

Il never forget her evil eyes watching me from the station bench below as I got on the top deck.

Evil eyes! That's telling, isn't it? Sounds like you were either really scared of her or you really resent her now. If you feel that way it's entirely valid btw, just wondered if you were aware of what comes across in your words.

Oh yes I can picture her full outfit and it reminded me of a dark witch following me like a shadow 😔she always said she had eyes following me everywhere and that she’d always know what I’m doing if I did anything wrong. I really didn’t and barely rebelled at all, yet felt like such a naughty teenager

She didn’t want me in my own room at night so I had a tv, computer, the usual 1000s of posters of boy bands, books, so it was like she didnt trust me to just sleep in there

That is just weird were you allowed in your room during the day? Non of what you described is normal

Yeah allowed during the day but door open but not allowed up there after dinner so I used to go in the front room instead which had my music in and I was allowed the door shut for that!

No. I was born in the 60s & my mother had been a teenage mother of twins in the 50s, so she never had resources to helicopter even if she had been minded to try.

That sounds abusively suffocating, OP.

This is messed up! She sounds like a real control freak and you didnt get to have a normal youth at all. How did you cope at uni, could you handle the changes to your lifestyle?

I'd definitely recommend some therapy on this one. There's a lot of damaging stuff in all this.

That does sound extreme OP. My experience includes “don’t eat this, it’s too rich and you’ll be sick” which continues to this day with my own children now.
I wasn’t allowed to lock the bathroom when I was using it. Complete invasion of privacy with people barging in to use the toilet whilst I was in the shower. Use the other toilet! I wasn’t allowed to close my bedroom door as well.
if I asked my own daughter now it would be something like you didn’t let me have a phone even though so and so’s parents let her go to the park without one 🙄

This is very similar but not being able to not dress myself but I did used to have my pyjamas warmed up on the living room fire place and get changed in front of her and my grandma until I was about 8 and felt uncomfortable about it. Not sure what that was about either, I was pretty overweight so maybe to make sure I wasn’t getting bigger? I don’t know.

I still struggle now to be honest, I am not the most domesticated and never been a good cook as yes was never allowed to touch knives or the gas oven!

confidence wise, extremely low. I did have two sessions of cbt about ten years ago but the woman didn’t remember me from the first time so it pretty much reassured me that indeed I am invisible and worthless! Never went back.

Wow, you poor thing! No, my Mum was against me getting a part-time job or learning to drive at 16/17 but nothing as extreme as you describe!

I think your Mum must have at least had a very severe form of anxiety or a very difficult upbringing to do that.

my mum certainly held me back (still does actually)! I wasn’t allowed much freedom as a late teen which has really affected my life, confidence, and ability to make my own decisions.

what you’re describing above is a step further though. Sounds like both you and your mum could do with some counselling/therapy 💐

God, that is really quite extreme and reminds of the film/book Carrie!

Some of what you say resonates with me, though. It was early 1980s for me too. Mum didn't talk about anything to do with puberty, she'd always made out that it would happen one day in the future, and was dismissive. I have no idea why she didn't get me period products for that obvious eventuality, and I got my first period when she wasn't at home and the only things in the house were her giant sanitary towels with loops that she wore with a belt!

She had the same attitude as your mum, OP, when it came to request to shave my (very) hairy legs when I realised all the other girls did by year 8. I got comments. I then asked her if she'd buy me some Nair hair removal cream instead and she reluctantly got me some of that but only with an attitude of "what do you want that for? You don't need it." Same when I asked for a bra.

It's like she was in denial that I was growing up and it rubbed off on me a bit I think. I was a VERY shy and anxious teenager, overly dependent on them. Not helped by drawing attention to my bad skin when I was 12 by telling me to come to her and she would squeeze my blackheads to get rid of them! I let her! I certainly was in no way ready to go off to university after the way they'd babied me, and neither mum nor dad had done any research about how to prepare a child going off to uni. I remember my parents dropping me off at halls with me feeling pretty stressed and unhappy to be there with not a clue how to "adult". They wrote a cheque out for the accommodation cost and that was that - I didn't have a bank account or anything, just about 40 quid cash, and I was just left to it. From one extreme to the other - from being mollycoddled and having everything done for me to suddenly being totally on my own with no support or guidance. They were a bit clueless really and I think they thought it would be like boarding school. I lasted 3 weeks then went home.

Re food, it was the 80s and there was a lot of new convenience food! But yeah, during the week my mum used to give me and my sister a different "tea" at say, 5.30, then cook a proper meal for her and my dad and they'd eat it on their own in the dining room later. She says it was because I was a fussy eater, and I was, but we still should have been encouraged to join in adult meals at the table with them I think. We were teenagers, not 6 year olds! It feels to me now like she couldn't let go of the "children's tea time" v "grown ups dinner later on" habit. It certainly meant that with my own kids I insisted on them eating with DH and me whenever possible from quite a young age.

She is a great mum and grandparent but she really struggled to know how to parent an already awkward teenage girl and she didn't appear to remember what it had been like to be a teenager herself or try to understand what it was like to be a teenager in the 80s. She would have been horrified if I'd shown any interest in boys when I was a teenager too I think. Dad too. She didn't stop me going out, though, however, I was so awkward and self-conscious that I often preferred to stay at home anyway.

I'm writing all that to demonstrate that I know what it's like to have your independence hindered, but I have to be honest, your situation is totally extreme and abnormal. Have you ever had counselling for it?