To feel sad for DD and irrational hatred towards others & what life has done to her!

[Bitteritsnotfair]

As we entered lockdown, DD was in year 9, good circle of friends, exciting times ahead of her. Lockdown changed all that.

She became extremely stressed over school work, but did work hard (nothing else to do!) so the only bonus is that her grades improved but her mental health definitely started nosediving (as I know many others did) She maintained online contact with friends, and her closest friend started sending disturbing messages about how she was going to kill herself etc. DD did her best to support her while struggling herself, alerted me, who contacted her parents who got her the psychiatric help she needed. Friend seemed to recover quickly and was keen to start going out as restrictions started to lift. DD, however, had developed crippling social anxiety, said she'd forgotten how to talk to people. She'd reluctantly go and meet friends but would have major panic attacks beforehand and increasingly avoided going.

Back to school, many of her peer group had changed after so long apart and friendship group dwindled, bestie in particular started socialising with others, clearly frustrated that DD no longer wanted to hang out (which is totally understandable for a teenager!), although she was well aware DD was struggling mentally (I spoke to her mum often who I know discussed it with her). I felt sad that DD had supported her so well when she was struggling but got nothing in return. DD said she'd realised bestie actually wasn't very nice, accepted they'd drifted apart and made attempts to make new friends. Bestie didn't like it, despite having new friends of her own, and would sabotage any friendships DD tried to make. Turned out she'd been doing this since year 7 but more of a problem now that DD had few other friends. DD and bestie barely speak now, bestie has blocked her on social media but not the remaining few members of the original friendship group who DD still hangs with at school but isn't too fussed about as little in common with apparently.

DD is sad, lonely, anxious and depressed and is now embarking on counselling. I pray this will help as she enters 6th form, she can make new friends and start enjoying life again.

She's not going to prom (fine) but I feel so sad for her that her school days have ended up like this. Bestie is obviously going with her new group of cool friends and the thought of witnessing that makes her want to vomit apparently!

This morning I dropped her off at school for an exam and ex-bestie walked past with her boyfriend and big group of friends laughing and joking, DD walked in alone.

I know it's irrational, but a red mist descended and I felt utter hatred for this girl, for the Covid situation which has affected so many like DD and fucking life in general!

It sounds as though the other girl doesn’t have the tools to support your dd in the same way as your dd did her and was somewhat of a frenemy for years, which would indicate a lot of jealousy on her part. Unfortunately life isn’t always reciprocal and it sounds as though despite everything, your dd will come through this stronger and with a good moral compass. For what your dd did for her ex friend is not lost or forgotten by your dd and this experience will have brought her many valuable lessons on her boundaries, how to be a caring person and when to step back.

The girl is probably still struggling with her mh despite recovery and doesn’t seem to have been much of a friend really anyway. No confident child acts as she did for years and is still doing so. Low level bullying can be very confusing and difficult to spot, especially when coming from a ‘friend’. Please be glad your dd has finally got away and is still strong enough to not be chased away.

Having been through a bunch of stuff with my dd with a child, who was pretty awful and controlling with dd at times and with a mother, who made matters far worse, I get your anger, I really do.

I would say that being friends and supporting someone going through a hard time, is actually quite difficult and something that even many adults struggle with let alone teens who are notoriously self absorbed a lot of the time. Completely get why you’re sad and upset for your daughter but unfortunately, this is just life. I think I’d be explaining to your DD that it feels personal but it isn’t really, the other girl just doesn’t know how to support her and also has her own issues and priorities. DD can and will make nice new friends, it might just take a bit of time and help from you to figure out how to do that.

Thanks again. Had a chat with DD on the back of this thread to check she definitely didn't want consider going to a different 6th form (although we've likely left it a bit late). She confirmed she doesn't for the reasons I've already said and that, even though she doesn't have what she considers close friends, she knows plenty of people who are staying and who she is happy to chat & hang around with. She confirmed she couldn't care less that ex-friend and gang will be there. She reminded me that, not only did she sabotage so many friendships, she used to constantly criticise and put her down, often reducing her to tears. Using her as a stooge and butt of her jokes. For example, DD is not a girly girl and lives in hoodies, whereas ex-friend has been obsessed with prom since about year 8, planning the dress etc. She would often call DD a weird lesbian and joke about how she'd be the wallflower at prom lurking at the side with her soft drink. DD was secretly dreading prom but felt she had to go along with it as part of the group. She's now relieved she doesn't have to!

I'm now glader than ever she's free of this girl but sad it took so long!

Thanks OP.

if it is any consolation, I have a teen going with some similar issues. And they don’t want to go to prom either.

Their one close friend is going elsewhere for sixth form, so my teen will be without that close friend but has some ‘mates’ still. They are looking forward to new people, but has resolved that they may have few friends.

And while it is sad, they are happier because they are away from the different groups of friends they had who were undermining them, or focused on excessive drama, or whatever that was causing them to be anxious all the time. They are happier with less intensity in their life.

As a parent, it is sad to think they are missing out. But then again, are they?

Your DD sounds sorted and comfortable with her choices.

Your DD sounds like she dealing with it all fine. When we see our kids being left out of the crowd it often hurts us more then them. They see a crowd of people they don't want to be with, we see the crowd and then them on their own and somehow decide that our child should be in the group with everyone else, but actually they're happy out of it.

A year after falling out with his best mate in the last school year, and choosing to distance himself from the group of boys he grew up with, due to their criminal behaviour, my ds has now found several new good friends, a lovely girlfriend and is moving on with his life.

My dd left her school friends behind when she left 4 years ago, made friends at college, made new good friends through hanging out with people she liked but wasn't close to, and is now looking forward to moving away to uni and making a whole new bunch of friends.

Being able to move away from a group and hang out with different people is a much better way of living and a good skill to have, rather than just staying with the same friends for no reason other than youve always been friends.

Sounds like your dd is strong and will be fine.

It is hard breaking away from long standing friendships, but perhaps the pandemic and being alone has created a space for your dd to reevaluate her friends and the people she hangs out with (lots of people have done this) and would sooner be alone than with someone that hurts and upsets her. So actually what is happening now is a very good thing, the next thing that will come from her decision to break free will be confidence, and then new friends/chapter.

My dd had this situation, she was younger at the time, but it did have a butterfly effect, she really blossomed once she found her feet outside a toxic group of friends. Although it is hard to do and you need strength to do it, she will eventually benefit from the better choices and more self confidence and a greater sense of self esteem.

No when you see the girl you can perhaps see her as someone your dd as left behind and when you see dd walking alone feel proud of her, not tearful. She could still be a sheep and subjected to put downs, but she is choosing something better for herself - well done her some of us spend a life time putting up with poor behaviour before seeing the light.

It will pass but I remember how dreadful it was, dd had nearly identical issues.

she did move school for sixth form and blossomed there. Since leaving school and starting uni and having a part time job she’s definitely found like minded people.