How do I stop Dh's ex get to me?

[fortysome8]

I'm posting on behalf of a friend who has asked me to post the below:

Hello.
I'm just looking for advice on how to stop letting this bother me as I know it won't get any better. Dh has a son (8) and it's always been a difficult relationship with his mother. Jealousy and bitterness from her plays a huge part in my opinion but maybe you will all help me see differently.

The arrangement is for dss is every other weekend plus half of holidays plus extra of ex needs help. Dh will take DS out for tea through the week where possible, it's a 45 min drive away. This has never been enough for ex yet she goes on about how important her weekends are with DS so there's not much else Dh can do but be there when she needs childcare.

A few months ago, ex asked to switch weekends. She didn't give a reason for this , she just said she needed too. Dh agreed but only for a few months at the most because I also have dc and we have 1 dc together. Of she switches weekends then all our dc don't get any time together.

Now my dd and dss are very close! They love each other so very much and have really struggled not seeing each other since the weekends have been swapped. We also miss our time as a family as a whole but the dc are not happy with the new arrangement.

Dh sent the ex a polite message to say we would now be changing weekends back. Her predicted reply included the following:

• no because she won't get any time to herself -

she has another dc that goes to her dads on the same weekend as dss comes here so if the weekends are put back then she has no time to herself.

• DS isn't happy when he comes to us anyway and it won't be long before he doesn't want to come at all.

• Dh is an embarrassing parent and does nothing for DS. She takes full credit for everything.

• Dh puts a bunch of people before DS. A bunch of people meaning me - his wife! Our child together and my dc. Dh is an excellent step father and treats my dc as his own. How it should be in my opinion?

• we are not having DS enough during half term. We are having him 5 nights and 7 full days but this doesn't suit her.

How do I let all this stop irritating me so much? I couldn't sleep last night as I was so frustrated with it all.

Switch weekends for your child as well?

What Alison said.

Reply from op:

I'm going to ask my ex if he can but he works on the weekends he doesn't have my dc so it may more than likely not be possible. He has them tonight and I have already planned to ask this question but my gut feeling is he won't be able too due to his job.

Why should she be entitled to time to herself ?
She is just going to want to do the opposite to whatever you want.

Reply from op:

Forgot to add that also my dd plays on a team sport on the weekend she's with me. Her dad wouldn't be able to take her to the matches on Saturdays because he lives too far away (120 miles)

Just to say if you swap the weekends she will swap back.

She is determined to stop the two children having a relationship with one another and as they are step not half siblings she can get away with it.

To be honest it sounds like you both want the same thing but it's been worded differently. You want the children to be together at the weekend and she wants to have her children altogether at the weekend. If she swaps weekends it sounds like her children will be coming on opposing weekends.

Maybe rotate the weekends? A month of a certain weekend then swap?

I can understand where she's coming from. Every other weekend, half of holidays and ad hoc evenings really isn't enough, it's also not childcare, it's parenting.

I agree with PP, it sounds like you both want your families to have time together with their siblings and step siblings and I would try and find a way to make this work. Even if this is they spend two consecutive weekends with each parent so they have one with siblings and one without.

You obviously both want to prioritise your own children but there must be a way to find a middle ground.

Reply from op:

That's exactly what it is to be honest. I'm drip feeding here but I know she has issues regarding jealousy with children.

When me and Dh first got together, she started a relationship with one of dhs best friends. It didn't bother Dh in the slightest and they still maintained a friendship. He had a dd. The relationship lasted about 2 years until he ended it because she couldn't handle his dd and was actually incredibly mean to the child.

She then started another relationship with a man who has 6 kids to several women. They had a child together and then he left her for the same reason. One of his kids mothers is actually my dhs mums next door neighbour (if that makes sense) and whenever we would visit my mother in law, she would pop out and ask Dh for advice as her son was actually scared of the ex.

I've noticed many times the dirty looks she has given my children during collections/drop offs but I just have to let it go over my head.

It all comes down to bitterness unfortunately and I still feel after all this time, she cannot stand to see Dh happy and does her very best to make things as difficult as possible for us. She's tried to make relationships work herself but unfortunately they fail which in turn makes her more angry towards us

Reply from op:

Yes we will try find middle ground somewhere. She was in total agreement that the swapping weekends was only temporary- obviously as nice as pie when she agreed to it. I don't think there will be any budging from her unfortunately.

I will speak to my ex also but it will mean my dd will also miss out on her sporting activity which she absolutely loves which I don't feel of fair on her. None of this is her fault.

What I'm asking though is how to deal with these situations? I've got a list as long as my arm as how many times she has tried to make our lives difficult. Dh literally says yes to absolutely everything she asks. I don't deny for a second that she doesn't deserve time to herself. But equally it's changed our family dynamics massively.

We recently had a trip out to watch something on a weekend that was not with dss. We went with friends. She stalked our friends social media and saw we had a family day out and then sent Dh a long text about now dss doesn't feel included in our family anymore and why can't we do these things on the weekends he is with us.

We had bought dss a ticket months as the show was for one weekend only....we just can't win!

Sorry to add but I will just add as myself as Ops friend that this woman goes above and beyond to make things difficult. I remember when they booked their wedding 18 months in advance and she moaned for ages that her son couldn't attend his dads wedding as she already had something planned with him that weekend! With 18 months to go that actually did fall on his dads weekend in the first place
I feel for my friend here as loves that little boy so much. She's an excellent step mother and goes above and beyond for him and his mum. I think she's just reached the end of her tether and my advice to my friend is just to take a step back. I've asked her to tell her Dh to just keep her out of it all for a while so she can clear her head and re charge.
They are a really lovely family and treat all the kids equally. Unfortunately I think because they all work so well together that the ex just struggles that her son has a well structured family with his dad sadly

Can you suggest you have two weekends in a row then she gets two weekends in a row?

Then you'd have one weekend in 4 with all the kids, and she'd have one weekend in 4 to herself.

Is there a court order or is it an informal arrangement?

Play her own game, tell her , thanks for the swap, you get to spoil each child so much when they have their alone weekend, it is brilliant and you hope DSS enjoys his special weekends, gush about it, how she is doing you such a great favour, bet she swaps back the week after

My dp's ex is similar. Will always tell dp to change weekends if she has plans but won't do the same so their son can go to events with dp. Booking a summer holiday has been horrendous - wouldn't let him book May, June, July or early August....then gave a load of abuse for booking late August. All bullshit reasons as to why that week was a problem. Called her out on it so she's now even more bitter.

Dp is a bit bad for just keeping the peace and agreeing to it.

In your situation, I'd maybe suggest 2 weekends in a row at each house. You both get time with all kids and she'll also get time to herself

Honestly while I can understand your friend's pov, I also get the mother's. Why shouldn't she get to have her children together on a weekend? Your friend wants the same so rather hypocritical to judge.

This is what happens when adults choose to have children with multiple people. It's impossible for everyone to get what they want and this should have been considered before adding more kids to the pile. I'll never understand why men and women feel the need to have kids in all of their relationships as though it's not a proper relationship until a kid is born