If you were talented at something when young, but messed things up, did you ever regain CONFIDENCE? WHEN is it all too late?

[Iwantastupidphone]

I'm 37 and feeling totally washed up and miserable. I just can't unfuck my life.

My teens and twenties were taken up with failing at life with a serious autoimmune disease, depression, an eating disorder, a parent dying of cancer, a suicide attempt, worsening disabilities, and then an ADD diagnosis.

I'm not depressed anymore and miraculously sort of physically ok, although have some serious physical limitations. But everything just feels too late for me now.

I have two mediocre degrees, a BA and a MSc so not thinking of more studying. I was really good at a couple of things when I was at school, which I guess my confidence and self esteem were built upon. But now it's all drained away.

Technically there is nothing stopping me picking up these things again - but I just seem too ashamed of myself? I have completely lost faith that I have anything of value to add. I feel all my ideas are complete utter shite and the world will ridicule and pity me if I try to participate now.

I feel like I can't cope with more failure, more sneering, more confirmation that I'm simply a totally shit worthless person in the eyes of the world. So I just do nothing

How do I unfuck my mental approach here?

Don't know why random capitals letters are in thread title btw...

Good for you OP! Life is full of second(...and third... and fourth etc) chances.

I'd work on your mindset as you may be sabotaging yourself with self-limiting thoughts. I'd recommend a book called Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman; and may or may not be relevant, an American Youtuber called the Crappy Childhood Fairy.

Also, start doing the things you're gifted at; in a small way, and build your skills. What is it you'd like to get into?

It's only too late when you're dead, op.

You can't change the past, but you can change the future. Would you rather reach 40 knowing that you're finally doing what you love or wishing you'd started it at 37?

Technically I see you're right and agree it's better to start now than not.

I can never catch up with anyone who did things right and achieved things in their twenties, though.

Comparing yourself to others is one thing you need to give up...

Firstly, I’m so sorry for what you have been through, that sounds tough.

And secondly, no it isn’t too late.

I’m going to share an anecdote which I hope is helpful.

In the course of my work I recently spent time in a school for teenage parents. Without exception these girls (they weee all girls although boys can enrol too) had extremely traumatic lives.

When the join the school, their first assignment is to write their life story. Some of them are barely literate so they need a lot of support and determination to achieve this. But they all achieve it.
When that is done, they create a vision board of hopes and dreams. Most of them have pictures of homes and jobs and happy-looking children. In essence they want love and stability, things they’ve never experienced before.

Anyway, what I learned is that this process allows them to draw a line under their past and focus on their future, to literally have images to keep referring to when it all feels too much. And the success stories te phenomenal.

Now your past is longer than these young girls and you are probably not going to receive the level of support they do.

But potentially you could do your own version of this?

I am not suggesting it will be a quick or easy process but it may allow you to shift your mindset from being stuck to feeling empowered, and focused on opportunity rather than loss.

Do you have a therapist?

But the world quite literally turns on comparing and competing with others?

Applying for a job - you need to be competitive to get anywhere with your CV and then at interview and then performing in the role you are constantly compared to others

Joining a sports team - you need to take part in trials to see if you make the cut.

It seems unavoidable. I can't not compare myself if I'm desperately trying to work out what others have that makes them a success and me a glaring failure.

Hmm no I disagree that the world turns on comparing and competition. I think that sounds like a very negative viewpoint and that you need support from a therapist to retrain your thought process.

I suppose my experience of the world is that I always compare unfavourably to others though?

I mean, I will never be the employee with a quick brain and ability to learn new systems fast. And I will always be the worker who needs a lot of time off for hospital appointments and sick days etc.

Therapists can't change that reality. I agree I need therapy, but I don't think my perception of reality is altogether wrong.

It's more about seeing if there is an alternative pathway available somehow I guess?

I agree with @BoDerek and think once you realise the only person you compete with is yourself (your best self and your bleurgh self) a lot of your concern will go. You are seeing everyone as ahead of you and that you will never catch up so why bother but to quote a phrase I really like you are comparing your inside with their outside - you don’t know what challenges they might have ahead of them that they feel unprepared for or what advantages they use to prop them up. You just don’t know but you do need to build up your self confidence so that you have inside of you a strong sense of your own achievements in dealing with the past (because you did successfully deal with it). You are focusing on what you did wrong rather than what you have since done right and I think that is because we hold on to the past when we don’t have a clear sense of the future we want. @BoDerek Idea of visualising your future is a really good one. These are the kind of exercises that are easy to dismiss when you feel negative but once you engage with them they make you focus on something with forward momentum and you get lost in the project. Next thing you know you are thinking about visiting a shop for ideas, going out of your way to find things and your own negative view of yourself is not at the forefront of your mind so much. Eventually it shifts to a place where it is easier to argue yourself out of a negative self image and then you continue to build up your positive self image and you don’t compare yourself with others.

easy to say of course but it does work x

@BoDerek I do love your story about the girls and their vision boards. Were they on paper or online?

I might try to make one on Pinterest where I can keep it private just for me and nobody can stumble across it and be like wtf.

@Iwantastupidphone

I mean, I will never be the employee with a quick brain and ability to learn new systems fast. And I will always be the worker who needs a lot of time off for hospital appointments and sick days etc.

you are trying to predict your future from the position you are in now - but your future self will be different and maybe find a job where the focus is on thoughtful, deeper thinking than rapid dynamic stuff. Or you join a structured company that builds up to that fast pace so after a while you ‘ll fly through things.

you are not giving yourself a chance. Get some goals together first, then think around the practicalities. It’s the dreams that provide the drive (dream of a nice home/travel/money, etc)

They were big poster-size boards on the wall.

Several of the graduates do now have their own homes and businesses, or the jobs they dreamed of even though they are still very young.

This is called digging yourself out of the pit of life! I was about your age, after a long period of chronic illness, bedbound then housebound. I sat down and did an audit of my skills and the conditions needed to restart my life. It looked completely impossible. One condition was that the world would need to come to me.

And, do you know what? Eventually it did

There are lots of inspiring youtube videos these days. Have a look at TED and TEDx talks.

Throw your heart over the bar and your body will follow.

Hi op. What are you interested in doing? What lights you up? You say you're much better physically - could you help others in the same position that you were in in your 20s for example?

I'm a mum in my 50s and had to restart my career after taking a decade off to raise my kids. I felt very unprepared so I took some local free courses to get me started and then got a job and did more studying at the same time. I love it, am doing a great job and have become the go to person for a couple of things in my field. Kind of because I wasn't stuck and willing to learn and experiment.

'You don't have to be perfect, you just have to get started'

And also, many people don't know as much as you think they do.

Without being a mumsnet cliche, therapy is how you get back on track and empower yourself.

This sounds very interesting, how you did this.

Can I ask what type of skills were on your initial list for example?

This is one problem I have identified, that I can't think of any solid useful skills I have now, I just go blank.

Your pathway to success sounds great too. I really enjoyed reading this.

I would not be good at working with others who were in my position in my twenties - I don't want to focus on that time in my life.

Also I'm pretty sure I would depress them and the parents of kids who have my health condition. I am quite good physically for me, but have limitations because of cardiovascular problems and nobody wants to think of themselves deteriorating to that point.

It's hard to explain. I'm very grateful I'm as well as I am but if you'd told me at 25 I wouldn't be able to drive by my thirties I'd have been devastated for example.

@Iwantastupidphone
Ok, well you have 2 degrees for starters. So you can study and learn pretty much anything you want to learn. Books, youtube, MIT free courses, Open University - the world is yours. You have curiosity, the ability to concentrate, perhaps the ability to speak to an audience if you did a viva or a placement with those degrees. You have learnt to ask for help, because - here you are! You have time, because you are only 37. You can study for 5 years if you need to, and still have plenty of years left in you to achieve a dream.

I read a book called "I could do Anything I wanted to if only I knew what it was". You might like it too:
www.amazon.co.uk/Could-Anything-Only-Knew-What-ebook/dp/B003Z9KFGC

My teens and twenties were taken up with failing at life with a serious autoimmune disease, depression, an eating disorder, a parent dying of cancer, a suicide attempt, worsening disabilities, and then an ADD diagnosis

Op, from my early teens and in my twenties I went through 4 of these experiences. I've been through more too, but those experiences differ from yours. I'm also dealing with chronic ill health now and have been signed off work for some time and I'm not much younger than you.

You're one degree ahead of me though ;)

So your post really chimes with me. My attitude?

There's much in my life, now and past, that is out of control. I might have had to work harder than anyone else to compensate, I might still have to work harder than others, and I might have missed out on opportunities that are no longer open to me. But my life is still what I make it.

I may never fulfil all my dreams. Perhaps I'll never be good enough at what I want to do to stand out from the crowd. I've had to accept I'll never be able to do my first choice of career. But as to the rest? I'll never know unless I try.

All I know is that I regret not pushing myself harder to try a few years ago. If I had and it had worked out my life could be very different now. Certainly I would be different.

But I know that if I don't heed that lesson and try now, I will regret it all over again in a few years time. I don't want to the reach the end of my life and wonder "What if..?"

You've lost sight of your inspiration. Just start playing with what you want to do with your time. It'll come back, trust me.

We might fall short of where we'd love to be, but we'll be closer to it than if we never give it a go. And who know's how much fun thats going to be?! 😊

We might not have the easiest path to walk, but it's still true: it ain't over till we're dead.

That's fine. What do you enjoy? What are your degrees in?

Yes, this is true. And I might buy that book, have just read the reviews.

I slept a lot over the last couple of days since I posted my thread and everyone's advice keeps going through my mind - I feel more optimistic. Lack of sleep really makes everything worse.

That's fine. What do you enjoy? What are your degrees in?

English at undergrad and my masters is in Public Health. I originally wanted to write try my hand at writing about health related matters (for example perhaps in advertising, or perhaps science journalism) but feel like it's a lack of confidence holding me back quite a bit.