To consider moving schools as I don't like dd friends?

[U23rn4m3]

My dd is friends with some girls. They are all aged 10. I've recently found out these girls are on tik tok and instagram and have learnt about very mature things. They have been discussing these things with my dd and have made her feel uncomfortable. I have spoken to all the friends parents who basically think it's funny and not that bothered.
I'm considering moving dd to a different school over this.

Am I being over dramatic? Or is there another way I should be dealing with this?

There are kids like that at every school. I wouldn't move her, I'd just explain the basics to her and tell her not to get involved. She'll be in high school soon enough and she'll probably never interact with these girls again.

It's tricky. I also have a 10 year old daughter. Some of her friends have seen squid game and have tik took. Really don't agree with it. She once had a playdate with quite a streetwise girl who has tik took. This was a couple of years ago when a guy took his own life live online and the video was getting shown everywhere on there. She proceeded to tell my and my daughter about the video of a guy "shooting his brains out". Unfortunately kids like this are everywhere. Not sure if uprooting your child will stop it unfortunately :(

You can't be serious. Get your dd to make new friends, within her current school.

You will get this in every school. It is not nice at all but you need to not just educate her but also give the tools to voice to her friends that she does not want to see or hear this. I was always astonished at what dc knew and understood and I am very open about sex, growing up etc.

The content is mature, however she’ll encounter this wherever she goes. It’s the age rather these particular girls, they naturally become more aware of stuff and they talk about it.

It’s good she feels comfortable to talk to you about it. Better you speak to her about it in an age appropriate way and give her an understanding of these things in a way that your comfortable with.

Hopefully they will move onto other subjects soon.

I think this is a great approach, and exactly the same one I took with my own dd (19)
But there is a big difference between 10 & 13.

Op In an ideal world kids at 10 wouldn't be on tik tok or any other social media, but we have a huge amount of irresponsible parents who think it's ok, so the only thing you can do it to educate and protect your own child.
I know plenty of girls who don't engage in these sort of discussions yet, but there are also plenty that do, it's really pot luck as to what your dd will pick up and hear, so make sure she know the facts from you, keep the lines of communication open and keep these subjects ongoing, there is a lot more she will find out yet, best if she hears it from you first.

Upsetting of course that your daughter has heard about sensitive & upsetting topics. If she's 10 she will be going to secondary either this Sept or next and she will be exposed to all this, terrible language and more. Sorry OP it is part of the growing up process that you can't protect them in the same way as you can in younger childhood. Keep the communication channels open, it's good she can come & talk to you. If you ban her friends then she's unlikely to speak to you in the future about upsetting things as she'll worry about your response.

OP,

You will come across this everywhere I think.

I certainly think it is possible to encourage friendships with people you prefer.

When your children make friends, you definitely are subject to their friends parents, parenting style.

You can influence and encourage other friendships.

I am absolutely with @Testina in having open and frank dialogue.

My boys learnt about the deathgrip from me, as a doctor friend mentioned that her and her colleagues were noticing a growing issue of porn addiction in young males in their 20's and 30's.

The choking bullshit is definitely something that young teens need to be aware of.

I always told my children to ask ANY questions of ME and not their friends, from a very young age.

I told them I would give them any information they wanted and that it was better to get facts rather than fiction.

I can absolutely understand your distaste, but knowledge is power and I think it is very important children get the information they need from a safe source.

If these parents are very relaxed and hands off, they may well be the same about alcohol too.

Encourage other friendships if you can, but moving school for this reason alone is not the answer, it would possibly make her more vulnerable.

Being the new kid at 10, in the class, is no laugh.

So you're expecting the school, because they so much free time available, to tell these other parents that they're wrong and you're the only one in step? When they've dealt with the parking, scrapping parents etc I'm sure they'll be delighted to get told to f-off by these parents.

@purpleboy there certainly is a big difference between 10 and 13. And I can see we’re on the same page! So not arguing with you.

But I think if you want to talk openly about choking at 13, it starts with talking openly about rape at 10, and that starts with talking open at 8 about sex, and at 5 with, “yes sweetie, you do have 3 holes down there!”

It feels to me that OP needs to sort out her catch up game fast!

Yes agree, some topics are too mature at this age, but it should be a constant dialogue that starts young age appropriate and then moves up as they get older.

I always remember my eldest telling me she was the only one who knew anything about sex ed, and was answering all the questions, it shocked me that no one had spoke to their kids about this stuff. I believe parents are too prudish and feel uncomfortable about having these very important conversations, they are doing the kids no favors in this approach.

Sometimes there are good reasons to move schools at Year 5. The instance I'm thinking of is tiny village schools where there are simply too few children of the same age/interests and correspondingly few facilities for sports, etc. My own dss made this move to one of the town primary schools where they'd be attending High School. Moving because your child is having conversations about issues you consider too mature and because you don't like the parents of these children is unlikely to do more than disrupt your dd's education for no realistic gain.

My 11yo son came and told me the girls in his class were discussing oral sex/ sex. One girl was claiming to have given her b/f from another school oral sex. This in a nice, leafy village school awash with landrovers and labradors. I had a quiet word with the teacher(as I think a 10yo saying boners are a tasty treat is a safeguarding issue) although I suspect you can't get away from this sort of chat.

Good luck finding DD friends that fit your standard!

Amazed at the number of posters saying this will be the same at any school..that definitely isn’t the case amongst 10 year olds round here. I’d be upset too, OP, and understand your protective impulse, and your disbelief that parents facilitate it.

I think you would be wise to firmly help cool those friendships if you can, but yes you have to have lots of frank chats with her. Moving her to a new school for 1 or 2 years might not be terrible, she may have a happier or at least a different end to primary.

I'm 45 years old and just had to Google death grip 😳I think I've got some catching up to do for the world my DDs will be navigating

You should be discussing nature topics with your dd.

Even if you move schools, you will not be able to prevent her hearing that kind of talk.

In year 7, PSHE covered FGM and sexting- 2 topics that I hadn't considered discussing when I thought I was doing ok with sex education.

Discussing things like sex in upper primary is much easier than in lower secondary. Once they were are secondary you're more likely to get the "mum I know, you're embarrassing me " sort of reaction.

The only way you can protect her from this kind of talk is to homeschool and not allow internet.

Not sure this adds up OP. You say "mature things" and that the other parents thought it cute and funny. You then go on to clarify that the "mature things" were prostitution and rape. Hm I don't know any parents who'd think rape is cute or funny so it doesn't add up. Did you feel people on here thought you were precious and so that's why you added the rape part? In any event, you can only parent and control YOUR child. It seems you need to do this now rather than move schools.

I read that book as a child and the content is not in any way similar to what the OP is describing! Not a good comparison.

It’s so depressing that 10 year olds can access this kind of content 😞 My eldest is 6 and I’m dreading all of this.

Quite! I thought it was something to do with Star Trek! 😳

@Lndnmummy agree with your comment - even if the parents are more lax on SM that the OP I doubt they would be laughing or dismissive about rape or prostitution. You might find the odd parent who doesn't give a damn but most would.

For those wondering, the mature things being discussed were sex, rape, sexual assault and prostitution

I definitely knew about all those things at the age of 10, and I went to a nice little primary school in a decent area.

You are absolutely kidding yourself if you think that a) your child's school can/should do anything about this and b) your daughter won't encounter conversations about these things at another school. Of course she will. There will be other parents at every school who have different parenting styles to yours. You're not going to stop her from hearing about bad things by moving her to a new school. She's 10. In a year's time she'll be old enough for secondary school and will be surrounded by older teenagers every day.

A 10-year-old should know what sex is. Girls can be having periods at 10. And a 10-year-old should also know what rape and sexual assault are, because they should be equipped to understand what consent and boundaries are what behaviours are and aren't OK. I completely understand why you want to preserve her innocence but ultimately it will make her more vulnerable. It would have been better for you to discuss these things with her in a safe and age-appropriate way than have her finding out about sex from her mates on Tik Tok.

.that definitely isn’t the case amongst 10 year olds round here

They just don't tell you about it.

I think it 100% depends on how these where being discussed. You do no 10 years olds can be raped and sexually assaulted right? Some little girls are also sold off into prostitution.

some 10 years old have periods which means they could get pregnant from those very things. They are also Learning sex Ed at school which will cover parts as well.

I think it depends on the details OP. If she’s friends with a nasty crowd who are showing her upsetting videos about rape and prostitution and there are ‘nicer’ schools in your area, maybe consider a move.

At age ten she’s old enough to know in a very vague sense that rape and prostitution exist, but way too young to be watching sexual content - and she doesn’t ever have to do that. People accept the sexualisation very easily but you don’t have to.

Many posters are insisting that this happens at every school. Perhaps true at secondary level but certainly not at primary level.

How is she actually seeing this stuff? Presumably the kids don’t have phones at breaktime at primary school? So maybe just decline playdates at the homes of the nasty kids and don’t let them have internet access if they come to yours.