AIBU my mum and my DS?

[H1231233]

So I have posted about this before so apologies if it sounds familiar (have name changed though) I just still can't figure out if I'm the unreasonable one, so I'm going to hopefully use this thread to be the deciding point and if I am unreasonable I need to get over it because I need to stop being so annoyed.

My mum is very involved and generous when it comes to my DC, she buys things for them alot, so much of it is wasted money though e.g a toy they play with for 5 mins, those magazines they want just for the toy, an outfit worn once because its impractical like too frilly or grown out of before chance to wear it etc. I am appreciative but she definitely spoils them and if I ask her to not do it so frequently or not spend as much I am ignored. At present she buys an outfit or 2 and accessories or toys at least once a fortnight or weekly for youngest and for my eldest takes him on a shopping trip at least once a month spending a couple hundred on things, mostly branded clothes along with bags of his favourite food treats weekly (like we dont give him any treats at home 🙄)

When I write it down I think what's the problem surely I should just be grateful?!

But here is my issue, my eldest (14) has of course realised he can get whatever he asks for from her now. We as a family are comfortable money wise but after bills have around £100 a month to spend on ourselves, I shop cheaply if ever for myself and buy from primark/charity shops and all my extra goes on the kids.

This weekend we took a shopping trip to buy eldest a few things he needed, while out he decided he wanted some new shoes for the gym so I said I could only budget to £60, there were plenty of brand named shoes for £60 or under but he decided he wanted a specific pair for £100 I said no mostly because who needs £100 shoes for the gym!? but because I feel as a parent I should be able to decide a limit and we left the shop as he refused to look at anything else. He's of course mentioned this to my mum who has announced she's taking him shopping st the weekend to buy what he wants.
When I told DS I wasnt happy he has gone straight to her to get what he wants he's replied well you wouldn't buy them so why shouldn't i ask her. I feel like the older he's getting the more ungrateful and entitled he's becoming but if he's getting what he wants and I'm not paying for it should i just shut up and let her keep paying and him getting what he wants all the time?

AIBU to be annoyed?

I Understand your perspectives and frustrations, but the more you battle it sounds more that it leads to war, as a pickle as it is, it's one of those situations of is the war worth the effort if it leads to more battles over the issues ?

That's exactly my thought process and I keep going back and forth thinking do I just keep quiet and accept it or make it a major issue and potentially fall out with her.

I don't want to raise bratty, entitled children who think they are owed whatever they want because they only have to ask and she buys!
Youngest apparantly had a tantrum in the shop over a toy she wanted so £20 later she got it a few weeks ago, it's something she'll never play with and all she's learnt is that by making a fussy she will get it.

Can understand your points but as you say until they realise it themselves about getting x then e.g. Being bored of it, then it's just battle after battle otherwise, and sometimes even withholding the item could not always result in your desired goals of teaching them different perspectives.

It's certainly a mix of strategies to use.

And sometimes no matter the best of intentions, sometimes x person could still end up being x even with you trying to shape their perspectives

Yanbu- she needs to understand its not about generoistand and gratitude but the difference between supporting or undermining your parenting.

YABU

i also wouldn’t consider scraping by with £100 left at the end of the month as comfortable either

you’re not able to provide what your child wants and his Nan is, why find issue in this?

@VeryTrying22 fair enough, I just thought with many people living paycheck to paycheck, having anything left over after bills is a good thing. My partner has more money left over than me after paying bills as he earns more but we split bills 50/50 and he isn't older Ds's dad so not up to him to provide for my DS although he has contributed to plenty of things for him.

I just dont think a teenager should be able to dictate what he wants and get it all the time, are £60 trainers not good enough?

Now that you've given more information I think she probably feels she's helping you out by buying things for the kids

Maybe she's trying to balance out the fact your partner is a bit of a dick when it comes to money. Given you have children together it's ridiculous that you split bills 50/50 when he earns more. You are supposed to be a family and I'm sure your earning have been hurt by having his children.

“I just dont think a teenager should be able to dictate what he wants and get it all the time, are £60 trainers not good enough?”

This is the problem, he’s spoilt, dictating and getting what he wants. Life doesn’t work like this.
He’s not had to lift a finger to get the trainers he wants.
What happens when he wants something your mum can’t afford!

Yes it’s nice of her, but I don’t think it’s doing your son any favours long term.

I dont think YABU actually. At the start of the thread I thought you were being over the top, a cheap magazine and little treats is how a lot of grandparents like to treat grandchildren. My mum spoils my kids like that when she was the opposite when we were young, and my grandma did the same to me and it had no bad effect.

But the scenario you've described is totally different, it actually feels like she is actively going against your parenting decisions. Children learn that if one parent says no to something then they shouldn't run and ask the other parent for it, it really undermines any authority. You want to teach him the value of things, eg saving up and working for something you really want or waiting til a birthday pr xmas, and I know it's hard with teenagers, but when it's not a birthday or something and they are getting obscene amounts spent on them whenever they ask or kick up a tantrum...it really is just teaching them a horrible level of entitlement.

So I would speak to your mum

So I dont think it's about the things, or the money, it's about you saying no because you have a set of values, and her completely overriding this without any care for the consequences

She'd serve them better by opening bank accounts for them and saving the money for when they are students or young adults. They need to learn the value of money and how to spend wisely.

100% this

However if she is anything like my FIL she will ignore you completely, refuse to put money into a savings account and continue to buy them absolute crap that just ends up in the bin.

I think you need to have a real heart to heart with your Mum, explain to her that he's growing up now, and needs to learn that there isn't always enough money to buy everything you want. I would then suggest that if she wants to give him money, perhaps she could do it as pocket money, ie. so much a week, (agreed beforehand with you, so that she doesn't give him a ridiculous amount), so that if he wants something in excess of what you can afford, or want to spend your money on, he can save up for it out of the money that his Nan gives him. I would also explain that by giving him everything he asks for, the minute he asks for it, she is not only undermining you, but also turning him into a spoilt brat.

If that fails, I'd be very much inclined to fall out with her, as she needs to appreciate that you are his parent, and she is encouraging him to disrespect you.