To think they should message me ?

[readsalotgirl63]

Dsis lives abroad and has done so for many years. She has 2 dc. When dsis children were small I never missed their birthdays or Christmas always sending gifts. I never received a thank you letter/email/message from the dc although dsis would say thanks. I stopped sending gifts when they reached early 20s.

Dc are now adults in early 30s. Dnephew is married with 2 dc of his own and lives near dsis. I sent gifts when the babies were born and for christenings/birthdays/Christmas - again never a thank you from Dnephew although dsis says thanks. I recently sent some gifts which again dsis has thanked me for.

About 2 years ago Dsis and Dnephew have big falling out but reconcile after some months. Dsis does not see as much of Dnephew and his children as she would like and moans to me especially that she has to hassle him for photos. In most recent call she says she has hardly seen dnephew/wife and children for weeks.

Last night Dsis send me a photo of the little ones which she's obviously been sent by dnephew. Then she says why don't I message dnephew and/or his wife on whatsapp.

AIBU to think they should message me ? Why should I make the effort ?

Your sister only suggested you could message your nephew, she wasn't ordering you to. I suspect your nephew has a busy life with work, family, home etc and wouldn't really think to message you. If you want to keep in touch then message him, if you don't want to keep in touch then don't bother. It's entirely up to you.

It does sound like you have made enough effort without much effort made back, doesn't sound unreasonable to me. Personally I wouldn't bother with Dnephew, but that's just me. Maybe he just doesn't realise that he does need to try, and takes your continued interest for granted. Had an aunt once, it was all one way traffic with her, I eventually concluded her failure to ever initiate contact was telling me that she had zero interest, the outcome was that I never heard from her again.

I normally a big proponent of "roads and phones work in both directions", but in this case, I'd say, if YOU want to be in touch with nephew, then there's no harm in you taking the initiative.
And if you sit and think about it, and decide you're not that bothered, then that's okay as well.

If you feel strongly about gift receivers saying a proper thank you for a gift, then tell them (their parents) that.

Personally, I'd dial back on gifts for kids of niblings. Especially those you don't really have anything to do with.

I agree dnephew is busy with life/work/dc etc. Just think that communication is a 2 way street so if I send stuff to him its not completely unreasonable for him to actually respond.

I do tend to react to dsis's "requests" as if they are orders and get resentful so I am probably overthinking this.

I realise that I should have said something to my dsis years ago about the lack of thankyou messages from her kids. I am now in the position of feeling rather taken for granted and am in 2 minds about continuing to send gifts to the little ones.

However - if I stop then I feel I'm penalising the little ones for their father's lack of manners -and his lack of manners is the fault of my dsis.

There are only dsis and me left in our immediate family and I think she would be upset if I don't send gifts to the little ones. Part of the falling out was because dsis feels dnephew spends too much time with his wife's family.

I'm not going to message dnephew or his wife and I will consider how much effort I go to to send birthday gifts etc. The last gifts were taken by my dd who was visiting my dsis so there was no postage etc - and I felt it repaid dsis hosting dd.
Families are complicated 😁