DD11 being rude?

[IsThisNormal123]

Posting for traffic. I’ve named changed as I don’t want this linked to my other posts.

To give a bit of background info, my dad left when I was young, I grew up with a mum who was emotionally non existent, siblings who were similarly distant. I had a sheltered life with very limited social interactions. I say all this because a lot of things emotionally and socially I have had to learn over time as an adult and I’m still learning. Maybe it affects how I interact with my kids.

So DD11 speaks really rudely when upset or annoyed about something. She will make sarcastic comments, roll her eyes. If she has done something wrong and been told off about it, she is so defensive and acts like a victim. So she verbally fights back and is pretty intelligent so ALWAYS has to say something back. Usually something rude, sarcastic or belittling.

how normal is this?
how much should I tolerate?
i know when she is upset is not a good time to talk, but when I say to her to take some time to calm down and we can talk about it later, she’ll still say things 🙄
When I try to talk to her later on about it when everyone is much calmer, she will still be so defensive, not even consider taking some responsibility just blame others.

I don’t feel like we have spoilt her or that she is used to getting her own way. She does feel injustices against her a lot.

I’m at a loss about how to deal with it. I was brought up to never argue or speak in a rude manner to my parents as it would be totally disrespectful. I don’t expect that my kids never disagree with me, but to disagree calmly and talk about it rather than argue or throw insults.

Should I let her speak in that rude manner because at the moment she is upset, but then she continues it later too? How best to deal with it? TIA

Arguing equals a consequence.
Choose the behaviour you won’t tolerate. Let minor things slide. Tell her what she is allowed to do. And what will happen if she breaks rules. Be consistent.

you seem to have yourself a typical pre teen girl on your hands, but that doesn’t mean you let her speak to you rudely. I use selective hearing with DD, if she says something rudely my ears don’t work.

I add playfulness with it so it diffuses the situation and usually gets a laugh out of her in the end.

Thanks for your thoughts.

@Wolfiefan What should a consequence be? Usually I threaten to remove gaming time but it’s not immediate or something connected to the rudeness so I feel like it’s not that effective. Also what would you class as minor things?

@VeryTrying22 Do you mean you just don’t engage with her at all if she is being rude? Or not talk in that topic?

There's an amazing book called untangled .. well worth a read to help guide you through these teen years which can be amazing but also hard to navigate

You need to decide what you class as minor. I often start with a warning. Then remove tech. Also well worth giving an alternative. If they feel angry and frustrated and need to take a time out and talk later that’s fine.

I sometimes think that 11 is one of the hardest ages to deal with. DD1 ( now 25) was just awful at this age. We were firm but fair. She was dreadful once in a ballet lesson and her bewildered teacher who I knew really well told me about her awful attitude and rudeness in one lesson ( she loved this teacher and had never behaved this way before but we were seeing it more and more at home.) After this particular lesson we had booked tickets to go to the cinema.

She wasn't allowed to go and one of DD2's friends and her mum came instead while DH stayed at home with her. Like your DD she was quite defensive but she NEVER did it again and was quite the angel for the following weeks.

It's a balancing act between picking your battles and knowing when to stamp on behaviour like this. I feel for you!