To ask how much vulnerability the men in our lives actually show us?

[IsThisRealLife12]

Sons, fathers, brother, husbands, partners, friends..... How truly comfortable are we with their vulnerability?

Do they feel safe enough to show it?

Do we judge them as weak when they do?

Do we subconsciously discourage it because we want them to fit in with what society perceives to be a 'man'?

Do we encourage them to tell us if they're scared, worried, depressed, struggling?

I'm working through some issues we are having at my Law firm with a male colleague. This has got me thinking.

TooManyAllergies

If you mean in general you are dismissed and told only men suffer then I’m very sorry to hear that.

If you mean this thread, you are reading what is not there and misunderstanding what is being said. You accused Sweeny of not helping but she’s not on this thread to help you personally. It’s a thread about GENERAL expectations and how individuals compensate for that. Not one person has said that it ONLY happens to men.

If you need support start your own thread where lots of people will be glad to help I’m sure.

Sorry, more men are successful and that is telling
Those that fail usually did not intend to succeed.

In the Western world, males die by suicide three to four times more often than do females

My DP definitely opens up to me more than he used to. He has suffered silently with anxiety for years and it got to the point years ago where I actually had to say "nothing you can tell me about your anxiety or feelings will ever make me love you any less but you cannot use anxiety as an excuse to treat people badly; you need to go to a dr and talk". He did and has been on medication since which he would tell you himself has been life changing.

I think that experience has given him the confidence to open up when he needs to. I had three miscarriages and made sure to ask him how he was feeling often, although me and his mum were the only ones. Society still expects men to be "strong" which is so damaging. I'm now 36 weeks pregnant and DP often talks about how he will ensure if we have a boy that they know how to open up as he was taught the opposite growing up.

In 2019, the rate of suicides among males was 15.4 per 100,000 population and among females it was 4.9 per 100,000. The rate of suicide for men has remained significantly higher than for women.

That's literally what I said...

I'm in support of your post.

Sorry thought you were saying I disagreed

I said attempted suicide. But the poster has clarified now anyway and made an excellent point

Here is a really good thread for anyone who want to open their minds a bit.

www.quora.com/What-if-women-were-raised-to-hide-their-emotions-just-like-men

(Don’t mind the ignorant title)

I have been listening to a book by Brene Brown called Daring Greatly, some of you may have read/heard it?

She's a shame researcher and a specific chapter in her book regarding vulnerability, men and women has blown me away. In it, she discusses the difference between how men and women experience shame. There’s a lot of talk in our culture about how women have been oppressed by the patriarchy and I’m not dismissing the validity of this conversation. But we spend less time talking about how women help perpetuate the shadow side of the patriarchy.
This coupled with some issues at work and my personal journey with my DH, has truly led me question how open am I to male vulnerability?

Yes of course I encourage dialogue, compassion and empathy with my male counterparts but can I truly say that I understand, no.

I don't have sons, I have a DSS but he is almost 17 and not a young man that I have had much interaction with for many reasons. I have 3 daughters and I have always spoken to them about empowerment, courage and being open about what is causing them discomfort. I have nephews, brothers etc but I can truthfully say I probably don't know a thing about their vulnerabilities because outside of the usual 'talk about your feelings', I haven't really given it much thought.

I do feel as a society we have in this regard been failing our men and boys for generations.

Are you trying to say it’s women’s responsability to help men?
Cause, no. no way.
It’s a damn time men start working their own issues!

And I really hope you didn’t mean to say it’s women’s fault?

In addition to all your other struggles you can add reading comprehension to that list

Who has said only men are impacted? The facts are men are more impacted than women and this thread is to discuss that, create your own thread if you want to moan

Can you say a bit more about what the book says about the different ways men and women experience shame please OP? I agree that they do but I haven't quite worked out the how and why part yet so am interested to know.

@VeryTrying22

Well aren’t you charming.

You’re just proving my point.

@TooManyAllergies nobody has said its women's fault or that women need to fix it. It is society as a whole. You obviously have some issues and struggles which you need help with. If you have nobody you can ask for support have you tried speaking to a Dr to see what help is available?

What point? Do you actually have one?

I certainly encourage it, but it’s also possible that I choose as my male friends people who are atypically open and/or have resisted gendered socialisation to an unusual degree. Having said that — having just posted on a thread about ‘emotional affairs’ — I feel sure quite a few Mumsnetters would deem the extent to which they open up to me inappropriate.

Great thread- thanks OP for starting it.

I'm in NZ where stoicism is the supreme male virtue, far, far more than the UK.

I think there is a difference between men being open about their feelings on the one hand, and, on the other, displaying them.

Emotionally unstable men can be physically dangerous and I wonder if that's part of the reason why men are encouraged not to display feelings.