To think he should stop lending him money

[Celia42]

At least once, usually several times a month, my dh's brother asks to borrow money from us. I say borrow but it's hit and miss whether or not we get it back. This has been going on for years but it's become much more frequent since the death of my mil. I suspect she was frequently bailing my dbil out, and now it seems he expects us to do the same.

My dh believes we should help out if we can, but the thing is we're financially stretched as it is. We have 3 children, a mortgage and we're modest earners. We're sensible with our money and both work hard to make sure we have a bit left over each month for savings and to treat the dc. In contrast by dbil is extravagant and lives beyond his means, then comes to us at the end of the month when there's nothing left.

The situation is causing regular arguments between us. I don't see why we should fund the lifestyle of a grown man who refuses to take any responsibility. I just don't know what to do, I'm losing respect for my dh and starting to question his priorities. AIBU to think this can't continue?

I don't see why we should fund the lifestyle of a grown man who refuses to take any responsibility

Neither do I, but your DH clearly feels you should pay up so the question is why?

It would be one thing if you were rolling in money, but if as you say things are tight, why would he prioritise his brother over his wife and children?

Why is he putting his brother before his own wife and kids? Sure there isn't a back story here?

He should not be subsiding a grown man. Your dh is 100% in the wrong here.
If he’s using family money you’re subsidising him too.
Put your foot down majorly.

Tell dh it needs to come from his personal account...

They had a difficult childhood and I guess my dh feels responsible for my dbil in some ways. He doesn't understand my frustration at all.

The money comes from our account, so yes I'm subsidising him too.

Have you explicitly asked why he thinks your children should miss out because he’d rather give money to his adult brother?

I’d be livid.

I would be putting my finances in a seperate account and only pay towards my family bills from it. Not a penny towards Bil put of my own money!
Your Dh needs to stop too- When will he ever be rid of his free loading brother??

YANBU
as a one off if he was struggling maybe, but not regularly. Grown man needs to take control of his life and finances, not relying on others to bail him out

@AnneLovesGilbert Yes I have. He didn't really have an answer. To me if we have extra money left we should spend it on the dc. He used his credit card for the most recent loan, I am furious.

The money comes from our account, so yes I'm subsidising him too

Sounds to me like it's time for separate accounts, then he can subsidise his DB with his own spare cash only - and by "spare" I mean when absolutely everything else is covered, including a suitable amount for the DCs

YANBU but your DH is a moron for doing this.
Tell your DH your family suffers because his brother hasn't grown up but you expect him(DH) to.
Like an addiction it will continue.

It's infuriating when people are constantly borrowing money off you because they've spent all their money and are now coming after yours, which you only have because you're more careful with your spending than they are and go without rather than overspend like they do.

It's very worrying that your DH is running up (very expensive) credit card debt to bail out his DB. Does he want to be dragged down into the same financial mess?

You could say that he can only give him his own personal spending money (half of what's available after all joint spending and savings for annual and irregular expenses, but it sounds like he'll just get into debt and that could impact you both if you have joint accounts.

It's a very hard cycle to get out of, I don't know the answer.

Giving him money from the bank account was bad enough, usually a credit card to do so completely off. Putting your wages into a separate account won't stop him paying him if he's willing to run up debt to do so. Using the credit card to pay him would be the last straw for me, I'd be making it clear that if he ever goes into debt for his brother again that would be the end of our marriage.

Putting it on credit card made me think of gamblers, could this behaviour be similarly obsessive, like someone gambling in the hope it will pay off big. He keeps giving money to his brother to keep him safe (in his mind) to try and make up for their childhood issues in the hope one day he'll pick himself up and adult?

It sounds like a codependent relationship between the brothers. Would he go for counseling? Otherwise a book on codependency might give you some ideas on how to deal with it. I think you need a hard boundary on this issue, but don't threaten to walk away if he say gets into debt for him again, unless you're not going to follow through.

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons I think you've hit the nail on the head, it's definitely akin to a gambling addiction. Each time dbil promises it's the last time, he just needs x amount to get himself sorted and dh wants to believe him.

I have told my dh I feel like this will eventually end our marriage, I don't think he believes me though. In fact, I don't think he cares about my opinion anymore.

So then sadly you need to call DHs bluff.

Been there done that with DHs brother and it took for me to say I'm done for him to sit and wake up!! BIL is a grown man who needs to get a grip and be an adult like the rest of us.

Agree with @LunaAndHerMoonDragons. DH is enabling. He views DBIL as in need, of helping, looking after, vulnerable for some reason. Or the baby of the family who’s never grown up. And never will if he keeps being irresponsible with money & then getting bailed out. What does DH think will happen to him if he doesn’t give him money? What role in the family did DBIL have when younger? Is he younger or older than DH? Would make me wonder about any addictions DBIL may have. You say he lives extravagantly - like living large & partying or expensive tastes? How old is he & is attached /kids/working?
Is absolutely not on though. I wld dig into family dynamics & growing up. Has DBIL struggled with mh as result of their childhood or has DH always looked out for him because he had to? Or has he inherited this habit of bailing him out after DM passed away & DH feels guilty if he doesn’t “help” him? I’d be really mad - it’s completely unacceptable that you are being forced to fund this habit & go without yourselves. Definitely check out codependency. Good luck.

In fact, I don't think he cares about my opinion anymore.

I think you need to assume your marriage is going very badly wrong. Counselling?

Putting your wages into a separate account won't stop him paying him if he's willing to run up debt to do so

Sadly that's true, and I wonder if OP actually knows how much has been put onto the card for the DB's sake, or even if there are multiple cards she doesn't know about

If DH believes the marriage could end, I also wonder if - rather than helping DB - this could be a way of moving money so OP can't share it. Unlikely perhaps, but overall I'd be getting legal advice now things have reached this stage; you may need it soon anyway, so it might as well be while you've still got some influence

Can you look over your bank statements together and add up over the course of a year what this is costing you?

I would say if this is to continue (as your husband is asking it to) he takes on extra work/makes PERSONAL (not family) cut backs to supplement this income, as currently YOUR CHILDREN are having this money taken from them, and you don’t want it to continue.