To want some time to myself?

UndertheCedartree · 2022-05-16T18:29:05+00:00

Just looking for opinions on this to see if I'm being unreasonable. My ex-DH lives with his mum. Since Covid she has not allowed our DC to come over. First it was because of Covid and the last year or so has been because there is a leak in the bathroom. So he comes over to my house. Sits on my sofa, plays his music not to my taste and leaves mess! Then of course I still get 'Mum, mum' from my DC even though he is meant to be looking after them! It will get better as with the weather better he will start taking them out but still sometimes this is only for a few hours. I just really need some time to myself and some peace and quiet! AIBU?

Cherrysoup · 16/05/2022 19:36

I certainly wouldn’t let him in, he sounds like an overgrown teenager! If his mum doesn’t want her dgc in her house, he can collect them from the door-no need for him to enter the house-and take them somewhere. You do not need to allow him in or provide him with a space for him to parent his own children. Don’t be a doormat, make him take them out.

DogsAndGin · 16/05/2022 19:45

Not a chance I would be entertaining the idea of having him over! His time to look after the children includes adequate housing of them.

CandyApplePie · 16/05/2022 19:47

I had this situation my ex would only ever see the kids at my house, when I told him he couldn’t anymore he decided he just wouldn’t see them then, so whilst getting a break would be nice not much you can do if he refuses. I would get him to take them out at least a few hours is better than nothing, the weather is good right now no need to wait is there? Even if it wasn’t good he could still take them soft play, cinema etc?

DoubleYouOhEmAyEn · 16/05/2022 20:04

This is not OK. I know its difficult trying to navigate a post separation relationship without causing unnecessary drama but he is being a complete bellend and unfortunately you've fallen into the trap of facilitating it. Put in some boundaries, for your own sake. You are allowed break. Make it happen. Good luck

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2022 20:15

Thank you, all.

OP posts:

Sexnotgender · 16/05/2022 20:15

You do not have to facilitate his contact! Fuck that, what a man child. Tell him no.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2022 20:28

I spoke to him today and said he needs to tell his mum he wants his DC to be able to come over to his home. I said if she still won't allow it he needs to find somewhere else to live - although I know that will never happen!

OP posts:

Takenoprisoner · 16/05/2022 20:28

He's got it really, really easy. Too easy. And you only have his word for what his mother is saying.

You need some time to yourself and he needs to step up. This arrangement needs to change for your mental health if nothing else.

Ask him to take the dc to the library/soft play/cafe/park/walk/whatever, regardless of the weather. And stop letting him in, he needs to respect your boundaries. See the kids off at the door. I have similar in that ex won't have dc overnight as he is in a flat share, but he does take dc out for a good few hours. It's hard, so sympathies.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2022 20:30

He sees the DC on a Saturday so could take them out. He picks up DD after school twice a week. Even if he had them for the day on the Saturday it would make such a difference to me (I have a mental illness.)

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2022 20:34

Takenoprisoner · 16/05/2022 20:28

He's got it really, really easy. Too easy. And you only have his word for what his mother is saying.

You need some time to yourself and he needs to step up. This arrangement needs to change for your mental health if nothing else.

Ask him to take the dc to the library/soft play/cafe/park/walk/whatever, regardless of the weather. And stop letting him in, he needs to respect your boundaries. See the kids off at the door. I have similar in that ex won't have dc overnight as he is in a flat share, but he does take dc out for a good few hours. It's hard, so sympathies.

I believe him about his mum. She has never been particularly interested in her DGC. But I think he needs to speak up about it. If she wants him there (which apparently she does) then the DGC are part of that. I'm sorry to hear you have issues like this too. We have a very amicable relationship so I don't feel I can just stop him coming in but if he could at least take them out on a Saturday.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2022 20:37

He has many options. None of which should be you having him in your home.

gamerchick · 16/05/2022 20:41

Tell him the kids are available on x day and hes to take them out. Stop hosting the daft twat.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2022 21:52

gamerchick · 16/05/2022 20:41

Tell him the kids are available on x day and hes to take them out. Stop hosting the daft twat.

I'm not sure I can change their routine just like that, but I would like him to have them other than at mine on a regular basis. I don't mind if he comes over for a bit after picking our DD up from school.

OP posts:

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 16/05/2022 21:56

UndertheCedartree · 16/05/2022 21:52

I'm not sure I can change their routine just like that, but I would like him to have them other than at mine on a regular basis. I don't mind if he comes over for a bit after picking our DD up from school.

Show quote history

I think you need a clear boundaries., not some times he can come over for a bit. You need to tell them that as of a set date (maybe 1 or 2 weeks time) he can longer see his child in your house and he needs to make alternative arrangements.

Takenoprisoner · 16/05/2022 22:33

While it's good to have an amicable, co-parenting relationship with your ex, this only seems to be working one way in his favour, with you being too worried about setting boundaries and him running roughshod over yours. In time, this will also prevent you moving forward and having other relationships.

At the moments, he's not doing much parenting at all, you being stricter with boundaries will force him to take responsibility for his dc and actually parent them. Don't enable his lazy parenting. This is not setting a good example for your dc either.

uhohhereweego · 16/05/2022 23:47

Oh god I'd hate that. I have a DD (8) and a DDog I share with my ex. They both go to my exes every second weekend Friday-Monday and every second Wednesday overnight and some weeks, that peace is the only thing that keeps me going. It's just me and the cats to do as we please, I couldn't imagine not having that. And if I ever think about anything bad (god forbid) happening to my ex, that is the first place my mind goes

I don't have any advice but could he not go to a hotel just for one night to give you an overnight break?

uhohhereweego · 16/05/2022 23:50

Also my ex moved in with his mum after we split for a few years and he still had DD overnights as scheduled (which his mum l, as DD's gran, was thrilled about). His mum sounds odd.

bridgetreilly · 16/05/2022 23:52

He absolutely needs to take them out for his contact time. I know it will be a change of routine for the children but it is one that has to happen so why not now?

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 18/05/2022 08:21

Takenoprisoner · 16/05/2022 22:33

While it's good to have an amicable, co-parenting relationship with your ex, this only seems to be working one way in his favour, with you being too worried about setting boundaries and him running roughshod over yours. In time, this will also prevent you moving forward and having other relationships.

At the moments, he's not doing much parenting at all, you being stricter with boundaries will force him to take responsibility for his dc and actually parent them. Don't enable his lazy parenting. This is not setting a good example for your dc either.

Thank you. In truth, I always had problems with boundaries with him when we were together.

OP posts:

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 18/05/2022 08:23

uhohhereweego · 16/05/2022 23:50

Also my ex moved in with his mum after we split for a few years and he still had DD overnights as scheduled (which his mum l, as DD's gran, was thrilled about). His mum sounds odd.

She is odd. Why wouldn't you want your DGC over at least sometimes?

OP posts:

CandyApplePie · 18/05/2022 08:35

Not everyone likes kids I suppose and finds them hard work and a headache? My own mum never has my kids over night so maybe it’s too much for her? If you posted to say your mum won’t have your kids over night you would be told you was unreasonable to expect it. At the end of the day it’s his responsibility to find somewhere to have them not his mum.

Youseethethingis1 · 18/05/2022 08:42

This sounds like your classic Uncle Dad. He's not being a real parent to your children. This isn't what they need from him.
It is only "amicable" because you won't enforce proper boundaries and expectations (not that you should have to, he's supposed to be a fucking grown up). If you think he will go off on one or get angry then point proven, it's only "amicable" as long as you are making his life easier at the expense of you and your children.

Original poster

UndertheCedartree · 19/05/2022 23:04

CandyApplePie · 18/05/2022 08:35

Not everyone likes kids I suppose and finds them hard work and a headache? My own mum never has my kids over night so maybe it’s too much for her? If you posted to say your mum won’t have your kids over night you would be told you was unreasonable to expect it. At the end of the day it’s his responsibility to find somewhere to have them not his mum.

I'm not expecting her to have them overnight but just over for a couple of hours. At the end of the day if she is happy to have him to live with her, then she should be happy to see his DC sometimes, imo.

OP posts:

CandyApplePie · 19/05/2022 23:08

UndertheCedartree · 19/05/2022 23:04

I'm not expecting her to have them overnight but just over for a couple of hours. At the end of the day if she is happy to have him to live with her, then she should be happy to see his DC sometimes, imo.

Show quote history

Ah that’s fair enough I thought you meant over night, there’s still no reason why he can’t take them out instead though seems like he isn’t bothered because he doesn’t have to (he gets to see them at yours so why would he basically)

CandyApplePie · 19/05/2022 23:23

Also I bet if you put your foot down and said he could no longer have them at yours I bet his mum would suddenly allow him to see them there, seems very odd she won’t even have them in the house for a few hours? That’s why I assumed you meant over night