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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that my job is just as important as DH's?

19 replies

HaventSleptForAYear · 11/01/2008 21:19

DS1 (3) has the mother of all tummy bugs this week, didn't even keep water down for 4 days, wearing a nappy cos no bowel control... you get the picture.

DH and I BOTH work full-time as university teachers. So why is it that when we realised DS couldn't go the childminder's on Thursday and Friday, DH automatically said "well you'll have to cancel your classes, I've got a seminar".

In the end we shared it out but I ended up cancelling loads of classes whereas he did the shifts when he was basically free anyway.

And guess who did the nights?

Hmm, better get off here now and get to bed, he's scooted off to bed in the spare room at the other end of the house and I've got the baby in with me and sick DS next door. Grrr.

OP posts:

allgonebellyup · 11/01/2008 21:55

thats bleeding unfair..

i wouldnt have it.

Habbibu · 11/01/2008 22:07

Bloody hell. That's pretty poor. Think you should insist on a research day.

pol27 · 11/01/2008 22:21

Stick one of those sticky nappies under his nose... then he'll see who is doing the harder job.

Bloody men! GRR

pralinegirl · 11/01/2008 22:23

I have this situation imposed on me not really by my DH, but because I work for the nhs, who allow us a certain amount of recognition of the fact that they employ mainly women and that kids get sick.His firm have never heard of the concept and he won't ask so by default I end up taking the time off, cancelling patients, etc, because otherwise he'll have even less annual leave. No wonder Britain has such a poor quality of life compared to other places in europe! But men also tend to give in too easily to employers and not fight it.

LazyLinePainterJane · 11/01/2008 22:23

So why did you do it?

MrsEi25 · 11/01/2008 22:25

i think it is a general man thing as my DD was sick this week and i had to stay off work to care for her aswell as stay up with her all night aswell while she didnt sleep so he could be fresh for work in the morning!! he has actually said to me that as he earns a bit more than me that his job is more important!! i think that alot of DP/DH's just assume that it is down to mummy to sort out the sick and poo etc that is certainly my DH's view[ggrrr] YANBU!!!
xx ei xx

eleusis · 11/01/2008 22:33

I have to remind DH sometimes that unplanned childcare emergencies can be his job too. But, he does concede if I have a suitable strop.

I would never ever tolerate my job taking a back seat to his. Nor would he accept his job taking a backseat to mine.

I find the phrase "victorian bigotry" is usually quite effective.

eleusis · 11/01/2008 22:35

Where is Xenia? She usually comes in handy in these situations.

Habbibu · 11/01/2008 22:39

Are you in different departments?

LazyLinePainterJane · 11/01/2008 22:40

I think that it is true that a lot of DP's (men) assume that it is the womans job to take time out of work to look after sick children.

This sort of thing is only perpetuated in individual relationships though by the woman just getting on and doing it. Yes, moaning on the side that it happens, but just putting up with it. Do you really think that an epiphany is forthcoming? If you don't say anything, they will assume that you are happy with the status quo.

By participating in the inequality without argument when you are capable, you are just as much to blame.

1dilemma · 11/01/2008 22:45

Time for a chat I think!

nooka · 11/01/2008 22:50

We usually do half and half depending on what we have on at work and if we can work from home etc. But maybe that's partly because we had a very formal division of the week when we were seperated. dh has always played a very full role on the parenting front, including a while when he was a SAHD.

nzshar · 11/01/2008 22:59

As a SAHM i do the week "sick" watch but as soon as Saturday comes dp takes over totally and i get the weekend to recover not very helpful to op i know
Did actually read op and wondered .....why??
why do you allow it if it is a sticking point then you need to talk or is it just venting (hard to tell)

smartiejake · 11/01/2008 23:18

Yes I get this from my dh when our kids are sick too. I work part time too so is v. awkward when I have to have my working days off (although my head teacher is very good about it.)

He also goes away with his job all the time-to exotic places staying in top hotels with clients etc. but when I have been asked to go away for 4 nights once a year with my school ( to Norfolk in March-which is bloody hard work but I actually quite enjoy) I have to arrange for someone else to look after the kids as he won't go in late for work. Can't go this year as my mum is v. ill and he's going to some skiiing weekend with clients.
He can drop everything and go when he likes and where he likes- with me it's like organising a bloody military operation.

Original poster

HaventSleptForAYear · 12/01/2008 09:46

OK I suppose I was mostly venting because p**d off about his attitude. I did put my foot down for yesterday when he suggested I took the whole day off, when he actually didn't have any classes in the afternoon so could come home.

So I cancelled one class in the morning, and then went to work in the afternoon. I had some urgent recruitment stuff to do which he tried to suggest I left til Monday (but I'm scared I'll get the bug and not be able to) so I said no and did it after class so didn't get home til gone 6.

So as suggested, I did have a bit of a strop and we did mostly share the pooey nappies this week but I was wondering if I was the only one who had to fight about this - obviously not !

Problem is, definition of DH's work time and free time all roll into one - he is a researcher and so there's not cut-off. As he likes to point out. So just because he doesn't have classes, doesn't mean he doesn't have work to do IYSWIM.

But even if I don't do research, I still have other responsiblities and so am not "free" on "no class days" either...

Maybe I posted in the wrong place and should have vented elsewhere - sorry, new here..

OP posts:

Kimi · 12/01/2008 10:08

Haventslept..... Poor you, hope your DSs is on the mend now.

I do think men tend to think sick child = womans work, I think you should explain to your DH he was in on the making of the children and he is in on the raising of them too and not just the good bits but the sick and poop and sleepless bits too. Ok so children come out of our bodies but that does not mean that we are more responsible for them then their fathers!

It sounds as though HE could have been more flexible about his time off and done more to help.
If you had classes that meant other people were relying on you being somewhere at a set time.

Habbibu · 13/01/2008 10:47

Haven't slept - this is classic academic researcher talk! Yes, research has that "never-ending" feel to it, but then so does looking after children. My husband is a lecturer with research element to his post, too, but I'm lucky, as in comparison to most of his dept, he's got a very balanced attitude towards his work, and does not think that the only way for him to get his work done is to never stop! I don't think he takes quite enough holiday, but that's pretty much it. Hasn't affected his publications or RAE submission at all - the "oh, I have to work all the time" thing is a red herring, and not the sign of a better researcher than someone who manages their time well... What discipline is he in? Can he not do some research work at home?

WideWebWitch · 13/01/2008 11:27

Very unfair. You need to sort this out imo. It's his responsibility too. I think some men think that it is automatically the woman's responsibility and unless they're put straight on it will take the piss. Which is what your dh is doing imo

lucyellensmum · 13/01/2008 11:51

I am quite cross about this. I think your DH is being wholy unreasonable. If he is a researcher then that can be flexible enough to fit in around his family. I imagine cancelling classes is difficult for both of you, but it happens. Students probably happy for an hour off! But seriously, what IS his problem? My PhD supervisor had a young family, his wife worked part time as a teacher. I can promise you, if the children were sick and it was awkward for her to cancel her day then he would sort it out. He collected the children from nursery etc and never left the office after 5. I know that he worked into the early hours at home to make up for this. He was more than dedicated to his research and teaching responsibilities, and recruitment (i know how they like to pile it on to lecturers/researchers) but his family came first, end of story.

That probably doesnt help does it.

I mean, he is an intelligent man is he not? Perhaps you should point him in the direction of some literature that states that it is not acceptable to assume HIS work to be more important simply because he lacks a womb!

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