To tell my Dad he's in an abusive relationship.

[StaunchMomma]

My parents split 30 years ago. They get on well, are happy to attend family events together (birthdays, funerals etc) are both fab grandparents to my LO and generally care about each other in a platonic way.

Mum has stayed single for most of the time since then and is happy. Dad has had more relationships, all ending fairly badly, but this one had so much potential.

I thought a lot of her. She's intelligent, financially secure, was caring to my Dad and nice with me & DP/LO. They seemed happy and appeared to have a nice life together.

During lockdown she has developed a drinking problem. She always liked a drink but it's gotten out of control. She drinks daily, sometimes starting at lunchtime, often having only just got up as she was up most of the night getting pissed. She's downing 4L of gin a week plus numerous bottles of wine and is getting worse.

The real problem though is how she's treating my Dad now. She's so aggressive, a really mean drunk, if he doesn't go to bed by 9 every night he knows he's in for trouble. She demands an argument every day, calling him a coward & awful names if he refuses to give her one and tries to walk away but he's sober and she's pissed. On several occasions she has smashed his things while he's in bed. She has taken a hammer to ipads, phones etc, throws things at him and frequently throws him out. He's living on eggshells and whatever she does she grovels about afterwards, begging him to come home and if he dares to tell her what she did (she doesn't remember) she tells him to get over it.

He doesn't keep well, he's on the transplant list, has recently had operations that mean he shouldn't drive unless essential and definitely not at night, yet she's throwing him out at 2am and he's driving around trying to find a hotel to stay in.

I've made sure he knows he can come here and that he can call me at any time for a chat but I feel like such a cow for pointing out what is, to me, glaringly obvious - he's in an abusive relationship.

The relationship between myself and her has totally broken down as she rang me to try to get me onside, not realising I knew about the smashing and drinking and verbal abuse etc. Now she's telling him he's 'betrayed her' by telling me etc. He can't (or rather won't) speak to family as she is friends with his sister and he doesn't want to embarrass her! I have empathy for her if she is battling alcoholism but it's so hard watching my Dad be a victim of it.

I'm sorry this is long but I just don't know what to do for the best.

Do I just support him or try to get him out?

Do I push him to accept that the relationship is abusive or butt out and let him deal with it himself?

Hello OP,

I really wanted to reply to you, because this must be a horrible situation for you and I have just gone through something similar with my mother and I wanted to share my experience with you and offer you some support.

I think that it is really important to see your father as someone who is very vulnerable, due to his various health issues, and as someone who is definitely being abused. He therefore needs someone to speak up for him and perhaps you are well placed to do that for him.

Try to get him to see that his partner's treatment of him is completely unacceptable - throwing him onto the street at 2 in the morning and smashing up his belongings is appalling! He must also understand that she is not going to change, so things will only get worse and he could end up seriously injured.

Ask him if he feels overwhelmed by the situation and, if so, would he like you to step in? You could then go around and tell her that she has to leave (presumably she has no rights over his house).

My mother was in a very similar situation until very recently, when I realised just how bad things were for her and I spoke to her over a few days and got her to agree that she couldn't handle the situation herself.

She was actually incredibly grateful that it was taken out of her hands. We sat down with her partner and I told him to pack all his stuff and go. I refused to listen to any of his ranting and told him that the police would be called if he didn't leave.

I think your dad really needs you now - he probably feels and a complete loss - and terrified of his partner. See what you can do to help him - if he is willing to listen. Good luck!

I have empathy for her if she is battling alcoholism but it's so hard watching my Dad be a victim of it.

Fucking hell OP - I don't, & he's not even my dad!
Alcoholism doesn't force people to abuse their partners. Your dad's g/f is abusing him because she is abusive, not because she drinks.

Zorba has given you a great starting point - of course you need to support your dad. He may not want to hear it - but he needs the opportunity to open up. Being on the wrong end of abuse can feel so humiliating, so shameful, that the instinct is often to deny it - to minimise, excuse, deflect.

May I ask what the legal/financial position is between them?
Because if e.g. they are enmeshed with joint property ownership, obviously it is going to be harder for him to extricate himself.

This must be so hard for you OP.
I would be raging, & wanting to kick her teeth in (wouldn't do so - obvs!).
Perhaps the starting point might be "dad, I adore you & it's so painful seeing the way g/f treats you. It's totally unacceptable. What help do you need in dealing with her? Do you need me to help you split from her?"

You know him best. If he wouldn't respond well to that, you could try a gentler approach along the lines of "dad - I'm worried about g/f increased drinking & how she behaves to you when drunk. Please have a look at this with me, as I'm losing sleep over it"
& show him the link - www.mankind.org.uk/stand-with-him/

She was actually incredibly grateful that it was taken out of her hands. We sat down with her partner and I told him to pack all his stuff and go. I refused to listen to any of his ranting and told him that the police would be called if he didn't leave.

Dog bless you for your intervention @ZorbaTheHoarder

I would go over and collect him and his things and take him to stay at yours.

This isn't going to end well the sooner you stop it the better.

I just wanted to add something, OP.
I am not someone who enjoys confrontation - at all - but I knew that if I didn't stand up for my mother, she would be lost forever.

I remembered all the times that she supported me over the years when I was too young to stand up for myself and even as an adult.

Now that she is turning 80 and is getting frail, I felt it was my duty to get involved and try to help her in return.

She was very sad and embarrassed that the situation had come to this, but is like a new person now that she has her home back to herself and doesn't have to live intimidated by her partner's drunken tirades.

I don't want to superimpose my situation onto yours, because there will be lots of differences, and your dad might refuse to listen to you, but he might also be desperate for someone to step in and end the nightmare for him.

Bless you . Intervening can't make it worse than it already sounds 😊

@ZorbaTheHoarder I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through something similar. It's just awful.

My Dad tends to shield me from a lot of it, especially now that I have had words with her about it. He's kind of desperate to show that he can deal with it himself and keep us apart but he has to understand how hard it is, he'd go mad if it were me going through this. He lives around 40 minutes away so I can hardly pop by to check, if you see what I mean.

Unfortunately the house they live in is hers. She got it in her divorce. He sold the flat he had when they met and spent money with her on doing it up but unfortunately he's going to have to walk away from all that and start again. I don't think he has much in savings.

I do hope he does walk away, though. At least he has opened discussions about it. He doesn't need the big house or holiday home abroad etc - he just needs to be able to relax.

Thanks OP, I hate that others are going through the same but it's good to know that it does get better for some.

@KettrickenSmiled Thanks for the link - that's fab.

I want to kick her teeth in, too!! I'm absolutely raging but I also don't want to make things worse for him, if that makes sense? I think he's mourning the person she was before the alcohol took over but she's well gone & you're right, the alcohol doesn't make her be abusive. That's on her.

Financials are difficult, really. He's pumped pretty much everything he has into a house she owns and he's going to have to walk away, but at least he can walk away.

What you said about shame and deflection is so true. I try to listen and advise but occasionally I get so angry & he immediately backs off & wants to stop talking about it. I'm not sure if that's to save me getting angry or because he worries I will confront her.

Thanks again x.

I've offered. We have the space & my DP absolutely backs it but he's too proud. He won't come here. He said maybe for a night or so if things are really bad 😞

He's not there at the moment, thank God. Her elderly Dad needed some help so he's gone to stay with him for a few days. Even he's telling my Dad to leave her!

Well done you for stepping in. So many lovely daughters stepping in here. It's a shame you had to at all but it's lovely to hear she's happy now.

He's spoken to my Uncle (Mum's side) and enquired about how he relocated AND most importantly, admitted why he needs to move so that's a massive step. I really hope he's coming round to the realisation that things are not going to get better if he stays.

Thanks you.x.

Really hope your poor Dad finds the strength to leave. You must be heartbroken him being treated like this x