To feel hurt by this

[Hails91]

So my DD (5) said to me this morning “why do you always get my manna to take me to school” this is only 2 days a week not everyday but it is really playing on my mind, she also said “when will you not work, can’t daddy just work” I feel awful. I don’t earn mega money about £1100 a month for 3 days, it helps me buy her nice things but would she rather me be at home? I don’t know 😭

Nanna 🙄

When I was the same age, I told my mum (who also worked three days a week) that when I grew up, I was going to be a 'proper mummy' unlike her. Kids are dicks sometimes. Now that I have my own child and also have a career, I appreciate what a brilliant role model she was.

Honestly don't worry, you are there 2 days a weeks, which is lovely. You are right that it is very difficult to support a family on 1 income. Your DD can't be alone in not having a parent collect every day.

If you gave up your job and took her to school every day I guarantee you she would be guilt tripping her nanna for never taking her to school, kids always seem to want the things they don't have.

Parenting is pretty much one long guilt trip because you're not doing enough and what you are doing is wrong, no matter what it is you're actually doing.

I collect her 3 days a week as I work a weekend day.

I was ready to quit my job! Haha but I know I can’t do that, we would really struggle, she has lots of activities we have to pay for too, obviously that would have to stop. You can’t win

When my son started school I was very lucky to be working where I could set my own hours which meant I could take him to and collect him from school every day. At least once a week he would ask if someone else can pick him up from school one day (dad, auntie, grandma etc) and I always felt hurt that he didn't want me there after all the effort I put in making sure I could be there every day for him! Just to say that we can never win really, we can only do our best and I'm sure one day she will appreciate how hard you worked for your family.

She’s 5. Seriously don’t overthink it. She’s very little. Say Nana likes taking you and I’ll take you on Thursday.

Kids always want what they don't have.

I have no dc - it's amazing how many of my friends children think their lives would be better or more exciting if they either lived with me or if I were the mum (I think they think I wouldn't have any rules because there aren't many in my house. Clearly they aren't old enough to realise my house is this way precisely because there are no children).

SAHM friends dc have asked why she makes daddy go to work - can't she work and dad pick up from school instead?

SAHD friend has been told by his (older pre-teen) dc that he should be working like all the other dads - also essentially implying that mum should be at home (she earns ££££ and loves her job).

It's a kid thing. Forget about it and move on - you're doing what is right for your family and when she's older she'll appreciate the extra things your wages pay for and the time spent with her nana.

I wouldn't even give this any head space. If you need to work you need to work. You're around most of the time & the other days it's nana. She's a lucky little girl. They don't understand what they are saying

YABU for taking this so personally. DC say stuff like this but they don’t fully understand the implications. If you were picking her up she’d have something else to complain about!

I work 4 days in a pretty demanding job. My DC are used to sharing me with work. They still moan sometimes but a couple of years ago when they were going through a real patch of it we actually sat down for a family meeting where I set out all the positives of me working & what would change in our lives if I wasn’t working. I included my personal fulfilment in the list too (obv in child friendly language). They ended up deciding it was worth me working.

DH and I are role modelling an equal household with 2 personally and professionally fulfilled parents. Both of us working also gives our family far more financial freedom. I 100% believe that is more valuable - for all of us - than me picking them from school every single day of the week.

I wouldn't think much about it. My DD went through a phase of 'I don't like it when Mummy works, I just want Daddy to work' but I don't want her growing up thinking that working is for daddies only! So I explained that both mummies and daddies work and a bit about why and she grudgingly accepted it and now she doesn't really say anything about it (in fact she tells DH off for making noise if I'm in my office - 'Shh, Mummy is in a very important meeting!')

Oh and guaranteed if you took her every day then Nanna taking her would be the most exciting thing in the world!

When mine were at school I worked hours which meant I could pick them up from school every day and they regularly used to tell me what fun after school club looked and why couldn't they go?!

She's 5 - you know what's best for you, her and the family.

DH had a rare weekend away with work last week. I got "I wish you were away and not Daddy" and "I wish DD2 and I had two daddies and no mummies" from my 4 yo - I wouldn't carry her up the stairs you see.

We also regularly get told that nursery should open on the weekend so she could see her friends (we both work Mon- Fri).

@Iamanunsafebuilding I get this. I'm a childminder so pick her up every day. She has often asked to go to afterschool club. Pesky kids!

Thanks everyone. I suppose kids=guilt regardless

I've literally never been responsible for school drop off and pick up, I've always worked full time. I don't feel any guilt around it. Kids will say mean things without any idea how it hurts you. You know you're doing the best for your family of which she is one person, not the sole person, to be taken into consideration.

How would her father feel that she isn't at all arsed that he doesn't take her to school or pick her up, that she's only arsed about you? Probably a bit upset, but I doubt he'd immediately be thinking I need to quit because of this!

YANBU to feel hurt btw - you would BU to quit your job over it!

I think it hurts because I haven’t exactly got a career, more like something to fit around the kids as the hours are brilliant. Get lots of holidays etc.

My ds once asked me why I left him with my parents do I could go to work. I told him I had to go there to get some money for all the nice things he had. He just asked me why I didn't just go to the bank for money, like grandma and granddad, ha ha. My dc had some fabulous times with my parents, they really benefitted from that time and still have a close bond with them in their 20's. I wouldn't worry about it, just make sure she knows you're spending time away from her because of work and that you cherish the days you have with her.

So what?

The alternative is that you're around for the school run every day but your daughter doesn't get swimming lessons or whatever. Be proud of the fact that it's important to you to be around when you can, to have sacrificed a career (and a Saturday!) to be their primary carer, and to still have a good job that means you all get to enjoy some luxuries in life.

Don't put yourself down! Your contribution isn't any less because it's not a high-falutin finance job or whatever.