Friend's comments re: estrangement

[Quirkyme]

Hey, I'm two years estranged with family by choice and happy with that. The reason I’m upset is actually about something else pertaining to a friend. I met up with a friend who knows I’m estranged, and knows a bit about the situation, for dinner last night… and I don’t remember bringing it up but it came up and my friend said two things that really hurt.

She said the classic “God Forbid, if your dad/family die/get ill” and I said “I’ve thought about that and just because someone dies doesn’t make them a martyr” , and she also said that due to the situation with my dad I have a “block on my heart” and it’s “going to affect your rship with men, mainly romantically but men in general, work colleagues etc" (she knows I recently reported my manager, a man -due to racism, although his gender is not relevant), she then said “I’m not saying it’s impossible but it will affect it”.
There were some other things she said about “forgiveness” (to which I stated forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation) and my “ego” and ”there being more for me” you know, the usual shit.

I would like to communicate that her comments weren’t okay and that I was hurt by them and would like some help. I plan to do this over the phone (before our friendship group meets up in a week). So far, my thoughts are something along the lines of - saying I felt hurt by her comments, that she doesn’t understand the complexities of the situation , Estrangement isn’t a done on a whim but more out of necessity due to abuse, and isn’t something done lightly … that I also felt it was disrespectful - as if I it’s not something I had thought about/taken into account (the death bit)…

Would appreciate any help, thank you. Particularly from those who have /are in this situation or similar.

I’m not sure you’ll get anywhere trying to explain it to her. She’s incredibly judgemental with a heavy dose of emotional blackmail and nastiness. She’s not got your best interests at heart and doesn’t sound like any sort of friend. I’d back away from her as best you can.

We’re NC with DH’s side and whether or not other people know the details all we’ve ever had is compassion and understanding because it’s not something you do on a whim - as you say - and the only appropriate reaction is sympathy that it’s obviously got so bad you’ve had no alternative.

Sounds like she’s a mix of opinionated and stupid. Do you honestly thing she’ll listen?
Properly listen, and reconsider her opinion in the light of your feedback? Not just argue she’s right? (or given you some half arsed “that is your truth” dismissive shite?)

I was fully estranged from both parents throughout my 20s. I had two best friends, my long after the estrangement. One, who had fabulous loving parents one lectured me about it - I was selfish, but they’re you’re parents, what if they die… She tried to rope in the other girl, who had a bloody nightmare of a mother (worse than mine tbh). Said, “but look at Helen!” Helen said, “actually, I wish I had the strength to do what Testina has.”

Not trying to hog your story… but there are those who understand, those who are open to listening, and those who don’t.

I’d leave it. Unless she starts again, then immediately call her out on the psychobabble bullshit. Ask her for the reference to peer reviewed studies on the impact of having boundaries in relationships on the ability to form other relationships. Either cut her down with it - or just laugh at her, “oh god you’ve been reading psychobabble crap online again, haven’t you? That’s not how it works 🤣”

Don't do this by text. Ideally don't do it by phone. Assuming this is a friend you want to keep, this sort of conversation is best done in person.

I actually think it's best to leave it now but be prepared to address it another time. "I know you think that, Friend, but I've put a lot of thought into this and this is what I think is best for me after my family's abuse. I don't owe my abuser(s) anything."

Aim for something simple and dignified. Best of luck.

I've been no contact with my mother for 3 years. I've had some nasty comments since and prior to going no contact, some nasty comments about my relationship with my mother from people I would normally expect to be intelligent and empathetic.

The reason for going NC is a lifetime of middle class emotional abuse, all very well hidden behind closed doors. The final push to go NC was having my own DD. I would watch her sleeping and think about how my mother had treated me and the thought of treating my wonderful DD that way and seemingly reveling in causing so much pain was utterly absurd and unbelievable, yet I was the one subjected to her abuse. I realised that if I had lived it and I find it hard to comprehend, then to expect someone who has had loving, kind, supportive (normal) parents and treated their own children that way, that the idea that anyone could do otherwise must be incomprehensible.

Just avoid the topic with that friend, and make it clear that it is not up for discussion, as they will never be able to understand.

“I realised that if I had lived it and I find it hard to comprehend, then to expect someone who has had loving, kind, supportive (normal) parents and treated their own children that way, that the idea that anyone could do otherwise must be incomprehensible.“

this is so well put, @Cyw2018
It’s also important not to get into describing individual incidents because there can be so many things that from the outside seem minor, or even big but not big enough for no contact, which are part of a much bigger whole.

@Quirkyme , this person really isn't worth wasting your time on. As pp said, she won't get it. People whose families are relatively normal or stable are a world of experience away from those of us who don't. I had the 'but it's your mother' and 'what if she gets ill' cliché from some numpties, like you walk away from your family on a whim.

You don't even need to discuss it with this person. A blunt 'I don't want to talk about it' should shut her up. It's like having to seek validation for the abuse you suffered again.

I often explain "I wish I were able to have a superficial relationship with them for their sake but I'm not being involved with them makes me very unwell so it is what is"

it's shit having had a family that you need to estrange yourself from.

I was sad for my parents when my Mum died but in truth it was a relief and I've already spent decades grieving.

She may be projecting her issues onto you. Not your monkeys, not your circus. My Sil used to gives her benedictions about turning a blind eye and forgiveness about my family dysfunction whilst her own family was rife with adictions and estrangements (mostly her cutting people off). Go figure!

"You're entitled to your opinion but hearing it is upsetting me. I have made my decision so can we change the subject please"