Group holiday

[User675499]

Hello,

I have helped organise a group holiday for 6 days (Sunday-Friday) with 7 friends for the first time in our 15 year friendship. However, one person in the group has decided they want to go on a 3-day solo trip during the holiday. I can't help feeling peeved off by this but at the same time I know I can't control him, can't dictate to him what he does etc. I just feel like if we all did this it wouldn't be a group holiday. I was hoping he could compromise and go on a day trip instead but no. I wouldn't feel like this if the holiday was longer (i.e two weeks, or if his trip was shorter). AIBU for feeling disappointed? His attitude is basically this is what I want to do so I'm doing it.

It’s understandable to be disappointed, but best to cheerfully let him get on with it and do what he likes. When people invest time and money in something, it’s important they get to enjoy it. It’s why hen-dos are so unpopular imo, everyone has to do what their told and resent the expense.

The way to have a happy holiday is to let people do their own thing. If people want to do things that are drastically different the whole time, they’re probably not the best group to be holidaying together.

Personally, I think it’s weird. I went away with some friends for a 40th about two weeks ago. My bestie had spent ages organising it, bless her. Anyway, first night was great and was the Saturday where we all went out to the spa and then another night in the hotel. I woke up at 6.30am to the birthday girl getting dressed saying she was off as she wanted some time alone at home before her ex brought their kids home. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that bit but it was a bit weird. The rest of us just had breakfast together and went home 😆 Luckily we’re all good friends so no hard feelings but 🤷‍♀️

I think it's fine, he's coming with you at least some of the time, if you'd known this at the outset I'm guessing you'd have still wanted him to join you for the time he could?

Holidays and annual leave are precious, you got to let people spend it how they want.

If you weren't the organiser would you still feel miffed?

YANBU to be disappointed, but there isn’t much you can do, at least he will look like a tit to everyone else attending when he just goes off for his own mini holiday

I can understand why you're a bit disappointed, but equally he may know that he wouldn't be able to cope for that length of time together with people and is doing what he needs to do to make it work for everyone.

I don’t see the problem with this at all. Some people (me) wouldn’t like spending 6 whole days with 6 other people, perhaps feeling forced into doing things they don’t particularly enjoy. Your friend going off to do his own thing for half the time seems the perfect compromise.

As long as he pays the same as the others for the trip. You shouldn't have to pay extra for his Last minute change of plans.

Then surely you’d just not go?

So the 1st and last day are travelling and then he wants to go off for 3 days. There may be reasonable explanations why he's decided to go off for a time. Perhaps he agreed but then realised he would struggle with being in the group so much and this is his way of dealing with it.
Had you all discussed what you were expecting to do on this holiday before you booked it. If not he may be the type who likes to explore the area when on holiday but then found out the rest of you just want to chill out or go round the local bars. Perhaps you had different expectations, and now he knows this but it's too late to back out. I do think a 3 day solo trip is a lot though when it's only a 6 day holiday. I'd probably treat the holiday as being a group of 6 with 1 person choosing to travel with you for his own holiday and meet up for a day. The rest of you decide what you want to do and get on with it. Say you hope he enjoys his trip, keep him in the loop on your plans with no pressure but let him know he's welcome to join you if he wants. Then don't worry any further.
The less charitable possibility is that it was convenient for him to travel as part of the group but he never actually wanted a group holiday. Is it in this country or abroad and what are the transport arrangements? Is it cheaper he travels with you. Does it mean he gets everything organised for him do he can let someone else deal with the admin.
You know him so hopefully you are in a position to decide if he was just taking advantage some way or if he could have a genuine reason for going off on his own for half the trip.

I can see that it’s a bit odd, but at the same time it wouldn’t bother me. Everyone can do as they like, as long as he’s not trying to force anyone else.

it would be a pain if everyone started breaking off in the middle, but in some ways you’re not going to spend every minute of six days together anyway or you’ll go mad.

I don't think he's doing this because he can't cope with people - he's basically the life and soul and is the kind of person who is the last man standing and going out multiple nights on the trot. I think it's because where he wants to go is really beautiful. We would have liked to all go it's just not convenient for where we are staying taking two days of travel and then one day of hiking. I think the main reason is to post pictures on Instagram as he's a bit of a travel / food blogger (but with less than 1000 followers).

But I’d want to go if it was just for a couple of days.

Well then it makes sense why he is going.
You just need to let it go. Providing he's paying his full amount, it's pretty much up to him what he does. I suspect he'll find that his place in the group will be somewhat relegated by his choices, or people may be bored of each other by then snd glad of the distraction of hearing about his alternative trip.

Yes very true - I'm awaiting clarification regarding costs.

Regarding costs

Think of it like this - would you still want to go on holiday with the other five people if he hadn’t been able to make it at all? Or if he’d said all along that he could only join you halfway through? If yes, you’ll still have a fun holiday with your other friends.

Organising group holidays can be complicated. I have friends I go away with regularly, and we’ll often arrive or leave on different days, simply because it’s not always possible to coordinate timings exactly. We fit in way more trips this way!

Why can't he tack it on the end? You're going Sunday to Friday why doesn't he leave early on the Friday or even on the Thursday afternoon/evening and go where he reacts to go and straight home after, then he gets most of the trip with you, only missing the final morning and travel home, but also visits his second location? Seems odd to do it in the middle, if you're travelling Sunday, he'll be there Monday? Then absent Tuesday Wednesday Thursday, then back on Friday when everyone is leaving. Seems odd.

He is leaving a day or so later than the rest of us because he is also visiting somewhere else at the end. Basically trying to cram everything in.

It's just rude. But 6 days would probably be too long for me. 4 is perfect,

I guess taking flights into account, it's going to be 4 days

I think when you do group holidays (and I do them often with groups of friends of anywhere from 6 people to 26 people) the best way to approach it is to unclench a bit and be relaxed about what different people might want to do, but have previously set agreements about the group aspect. Whoever is in the group, however large it is and wherever we’re going, our “rule” is that we have one day and two nights of the trip where the overall expectation is that we are all together - one of those nights being a really nice dinner and the other a full on party night; the day being a big long group walking adventure or explore with pub or picnic stops. This means that everyone ends the trip with the feeling of having spent quality time together with all the friends, but without the rigidity of having had to fall in line with other people for the whole duration. Other than that, everyone is free to file off into smaller groups or couples or singles to do their own thing if they want.

My wider friendship group has been solid and loving for years, and I think things like the above have a lot to do with it! I’d definitely raise the same sort of suggestion for time together, without making a huge deal of the time this particular friend won’t be with you.