Trying to get some perspective on this!

[Sunflowersok]

This is going to sound pretty petty but it turned in to an argument last night. We never argue so I think it’s bothered me more than it should.

We have the kids every other weekend so Saturday night twice a month is spent usually having family time. Last night we ordered pizza and put a film on, and planned to watch the Eurovision together.

over half way through the film, my partner got up and said he’s just going for a wee. About an hour later when he didn’t return, (film had finished and we was about 20 mins in to the Eurovision) I got up to see where he was as not only was I wondering but the kids had asked when he was coming back because he was missing the night.

I found him outside taking pictures. As I was going up stairs he came in, and I said are you coming back in and joining us again? He said he was cleaning. I said for an hour in the middle of family night? He said no I’ve been doing that too for 5 minutes (points outside). I must have looked upset or bothered because when I proceeded up the stairs he muttered “I’m sorry for cleaning”.

It had annoyed me. He finished what he was doing and joined us ten minutes later.

The reason why I was annoyed which I explained to him later was that we was spending time together as a family and it was like he just got bored and left us to it!

I told him it had upset me a little. This was his response.

1. It wasn’t an hour (it was more) but according to him barely any time had passed. He had mild adhd so I understand why he thought this, he often gets a bit lost with time and a lot of time seems to pass and he doesn’t realise, but he completely denied that he’d been longer than what he thought was ten minutes. He then said I’m not arguing with you about the time like the kids do, making me out like I was arguing in a childish manner!
2. I get up and rinse the places sometimes after tea when we are watching films and therefore him doing cleaning the house mid film is invalid, because it’s the same thing.
3. He said sorry. But not for leaving in the middle of family time. It was ‘I’m sorry for cleaning’ quite passive aggressively. He said later that he had ‘apologised’ at the time.

I compared it to like if we went to the cinema with the kids and I’d left to go for a wee and ended up running errands instead and came back after the film, and if he would have brought it up of course he’d be upset if I was like ‘sorry for doing errands! And ‘it wasn’t an hour’, and ‘you go and get a drink mid film it’s only the same thing’.

We had a chat later about it at bed time but it turned in to an argument where he shut me down in the end. I tried to explain that I came to him with something that bothered me and instead of the usual ‘oh sorry I didn’t realise I had been this long, I’ll come and join you now’ as we normally respond when one of us is bothered by something, it seemed more like he was insinuating that my upset was invalid and therefore didn’t matter, instead he responded with reasons why I shouldn’t be upset. He also compared my arguing to what the children do a couple times as well. I don’t know, I just felt belittled last night and it turned in to something it shouldn’t have done but his actions were strange and I think we all felt a bit abandoned last night.

Would this bother you if your partner did the same mid-family time?

I'm not going to vote, but I think you could both do with some consideration for the other.

I think the key point here is whose children are they? They are only there one night a fortnight. If they are your kids then him doing other stuff and leaving you to enjoy the family time is ok.
If they’re his kids then why on earth is he having to be encouraged to take part in ‘family time’? He needs to be fully involved in spending time with his own children 🤯

lf his response was that he needed to take a break from listening to dire europop, I would completely understand!
But his reaction does sound a bit strange. I guess he didn’t think it was a big deal so got defensive?
Why was he taking pictures though, when he said he was cleaning? What was he cleaning/photographing?

Are the children yours, his or both of yours?

I assume they're hid kids? He should have spent time with them rather than leaving them with you but maybe the prospect of watching Eurovision was too much! Could you do something more interactive with "family time" like a board game for an hour or so then relax, and he can go off and do his thing a bit then. I think the adhd probably plays a part here and to sit for a whole film and THEN eurovision is too much. I think maybe as a couple/family you could just re-jig what you do together to try and accommodate everyone's needs. Were the children bothered by his absence? I do think he shouldn't have just buggered off for over an hour btw but I think you could find a solution to this.

Good heavens

mountain. Molehill.

I DON'T think he should have buggered off that should say

What was he taking pictures of?

I’d also like to add that I often get very confused about understanding perspectives when things like this happen or disagreements, hence why I’m asking for an outside point of view. I’m very happy to apologise if I’m wrong to be upset with him about his responses and make amends.

i had it comes from the abusive relationship I had with my child’s father when I was young, he would often invalidate me or turn my upset in to my fault or he’s do something that was hurtful or threatening and blame his actions on me. (For example he would text other girls in bed in front of me and if I dared say anything he would say I was hallucinating and threaten to break up with me until I admitted it was me who was imagining it, or he’d hit some furniture or punch a wall and say it was me who caused him to do it, stuff like that). I’d end up having to apologise for his behaviour and beg for his ‘forgiveness’ a lot.

Since then I’ve struggled to understand any type of conflict situations and second guess my own feeling and read other peoples reactions and behaviours, but I’ve been working on trying to deal with this the past few years .

Maybe he found the film boring.

Name change fail?

He was taking pictures of the moon lmao. He’s got a slight obsession over it.

yes I understand the mountain and molehill and I agree this is one of them, but it’s very unlike him to defend himself the way he does and I think this is why it’s bothered me. Eurovision was his idea 🤣

They are both our children we have one each.

i think I’m more concerned about his reaction over me bringing it up, then the action itself. It doesn’t take much effort to just say ‘oops I’m sorry I lost track of time I’ll join you in a minute’ and rectify the situation does it? We usually are quite considerable over each other, but in this case he got defensive and it just felt like he was passing my feelings off

Yes name change fail, this app is a nightmare. Both same accounts

@PangolinPie yes they were asking where he was, I think they found his upping and leaving just as strange as I did?

What are we all saying then, it is me who’s upset for no reason?

Never stop a man from cleaning 😂

No it wouldn't bother me and I think enforced family time is odd. If he wasn't enjoying it he doesn't have to stay. It would be different if you were out say bowling where everyone needs to participate but you are just watching TV. Find a better family activity.

This is the sort of thing DH would do too. Not nastily/in an avoiding way but more while they're watching this I'll go and do the dishes/make some snacks for everyone/clean the kitchen/have a cup of tea sort of way

Whose kids?

We have movie night and no one leaves (unless for a quick wee, drink refill, grab ice cream etc). That’s the rules! But the kids enforce it themselves - they’d be upset if either of us were missing. So if they’re his kids he’s being really disrespectful to them (and you) but if they’re your kids and he wasn’t missed then I dunno, depends on your family expectations.

He didn’t react great to being picked up on his behaviour - but was his behaviour unreasonable? Cleaning on a Sat night wouldn’t happen in our house so it’s too far from my norm to know!

My husband did a version of this, but without the kids.

Midway through watching The Wire, we paused the tv so he could make a cup of tea - then I hear him loading the dishwasher, I call to him as I think he’s just got distracted - anyway huge argument. I was rude to call him from the living room, I was annoyed as I was waiting for him to to come back to continue watching the wire. FWIW I usually load the dishwasher before I go to bed, so I should have been grateful he was doing it, not cross.

so I understand where you are coming from and know how annoying he is. I would suggest anytime he leaves the room, check your watch, wait 5 or 10 minutes and send the kids to look for him.

name change?

name Changed back to avoid the confusion 🤣

Okay, we have had a chat about it this morning and we have both apologised to each other. I feel so much better. I said before it’s very rare that we argue - we disagree often but we accept and appreciate each other’s opinion, but it never leads to an argument! Anyway have both concluded that we have both been unreasonable on the basis of…

1. I was extra sensitive over him leaving family time more than usual. I have had a migraine all week and it plays havoc on my anxiety and makes me extra teary. I woke up this morning feeling awful over the argument, probably took it to heart where it’s a situation I usually wouldn’t. I’ve acknowledged that I was a little bit snappy when I asked him what he was doing and being away for an hour more than usual and I have apologised for this, I’ve promised I’ll be more mindful. As a result of my sensitivity he…
2. got defensive in his response. I’ve understood this has made him feel attacked like he was in the ‘wrong’ and he’s attacked back by being passive aggressive etc. He has acknowledged and apologised for this and understands why it’s upset me and made me feel dismissed.
3. Ive gotten myself even more upset because his response to the situation wasn’t like him and I’ve taken it to the extreme and felt like it was a bigger issue than was necessary.
4. he admitted the kids did each come in at times on their own and asked what he was doing and he should have been more mindful that they noticed he wasn’t joining in. He said he’ll apologise to them and we are taking them rock climbing today so we can both focus on them.
5. he’s explained that he does still get defensive when I confront him about things and it’s a result of also being on an abusive relationship in the past where he got blamed for things he often did nothing wrong, he needs to work on this. We have had issues before where I’ve pointed out if he does something by accident which is trivial, he will pander to me and he’s full of sorry when there is no need to be, but when I have a genuine issue he has a tendency to switch off which makes me feel dismissed. He knows I don’t blame and shame, we don’t do that with each other and it’s something he needs to work on.
6. I’ve asked if he wants me to be a bit less ‘needy’ when it comes to him spending time with us, and if he feels like I can be controlling over it? He’s said no and he’d rather me be bothered about him disappearing for an hour than not being arsed because it shows him that I value our time together.
7. during our chat one of the kids came in upset and crying because they themselves had had an argument downstairs, one of them got upset and the other one was dismissive over them crying! We looked at each other and I think had a lightbulb moment thinking oh my days this is us right now 🤦🏻‍♀️ It put things in to perspective.

We are very close as a family, the comment about ‘forced family time’ it definitely isn’t that. It might seem strange to some people but we are a split blended family with limited time together. The weekends that we have the children together are far and few and we have always put them first and spend it as a four if we can, the kids love these weekends and they are always asking to plan time together and activities. We have plenty of time without them and without each other and they are valuable. I’ve just left my job too so the idea of getting a take away and making a night of it was on the back end of the celebrations we’ve had this weekend, I don’t know if that’s contributed to the fact I was annoyed at him leaving us to it also!